


Litost

by walkingparadise



Category: No Fandom, Original Work
Genre: F/F, F/M, contemporary
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-08
Updated: 2016-06-07
Packaged: 2018-05-25 10:00:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 63,633
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6190489
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/walkingparadise/pseuds/walkingparadise
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Maev Clary enters her last year of high school and encounters life-changing situations.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. I Must Be Out Of My Mind

**Author's Note:**

> Please check trigger warnings in the beginning notes before reading.  
> [TW- Language.]  
> [Other TW mentioned later in the story- Alcohol. Drugs. Violence. Sexual Assault. Anorexia. Gun/Shooting. Self-harm. Suicide. Death Mention.]

I can hear the _tap tap tap_ of the hundreds of footsteps through the front door. Well, not hundreds; I may be exaggerating just a little. I’m alone in the apartment; my parents leave for work at 6am everyday and don’t come back until 8pm, so I have a lot of time to myself. I never leave the house except to go to school and to work, so I spent most of my time within the four walls of my bedroom.  


Apart from the buzzing in the streets, the house is quiet as I stare at the door. Today is the first day of my last year in high school and I am terrified. I know I’m turning eighteen years old in a couple months and I know I shouldn’t be this nervous to walk to school for the hundredth time, but I am.  


It’s okay, what’s the worst that could happen? I’ll run into someone without looking and they’ll spill their piping hot coffee on me, like in those cliché chick flicks? Just in case, I run into my room and stuff an extra button-up into my backpack. Then, I’m back at the door, listening to the footsteps and breathing heavier than I was before.  
I unlock the door and hold onto the handle, going through my backpack in my head to make sure I didn’t forget anything. I release the handle and take a quick peek into my backpack to be sure I didn’t forget anything. I don’t want to be the kid who forgets her notebook or pencil or calculator or highlighters.  


After double checking my book bag, I carefully slide it back onto my shoulders and open the front door. The sound of hundreds of feet tapping on the sidewalk immediately become louder and I almost opt to skip the first day of school, but I tell myself everything’s okay and step out of the threshold. I look left and right to see if anyone’s watching me, but everyone seems engulfed in their own world. So I turn around and lock the big, red door to my house before stuffing the key into my navy blue backpack.  


I hop down the stairs and onto the sidewalk. My school is a 20 minute walk away, but I take an hour to get there because I avoid Main Street whenever I can. I don’t exactly ‘fit’ in Main Street where there are large mansions occupied by rich businessmen and their spoiled sons and daughters.  


The last time I was caught there was two years ago, when I first moved in a couple blocks down. It was late at night and I was told to never walk through the ‘rich man’s street’, but I was tired after my shift as a waitress. I knew it made my walk a lot shorter, so I went for it. I ran right down the middle of the street. Thinking back on it, I should’ve checked to make sure no one was actually on the street, but I didn’t. So, I was chased out by teenage boys hanging out in their 5-car garage. They were throwing rocks and threatening to kill me, but they stopped chasing me after I turned the corner at the end of the street. I never dared stepping foot onto that street ever again.  


I shake my head to purge the memory from my mind, but it never leaves. So, I continue walking around Main Street with my hands clenched in my uniform pockets. I go to one of the top private schools in the country. And I’m not saying that to brag or anything; my parents spent all their money for my tuition to get me a higher education and because they believe private schools are more sophisticated or something. After going to a private school for two years, I’ve learned that the students aren’t smarter or better than public school students, they just have money to fix all their mistakes.  


I make my way down the sidewalk, bobbing my head back and forth to make sure no one is watching me. There aren’t many people on the streets because I leave the house later than adults heading to work, but earlier than kids walking to school. I enjoy the quiet part in between; it makes me feel fresh and new before another shitty day in school. I love looking up at the dark, green tree leaves and listening to them brush against each other as the wind picks up.  


But I hate looking back down at eye-level and seeing all these people oblivious to the beautiful part of nature right in front of their eyes. I want to walk around slowly and aimlessly just because I can, not because I have to. I look around and see all these people who never just walk; everyone’s always rushing around from place to place and sometimes I wish everything would just stop and slow down.  


I continue to walk and look up into the trees, stopping every now and then to stare at the beautiful colors. My brain is off in its fantasy as my feet take me left and right. I’ve walked these streets so many times I no longer need to think about where I’m going.  


Out of nowhere, I bump into a girl, who gives a small shriek as something hits the ground with a loud crack. I feel something hot and wet drip down the front of my shirt and look down immediately. Of course this must happen to me; I jinxed myself. My entire white polo is drenched in what I assume is coffee, exposing my black and white polka dot bra underneath.  


“Oh my god, I’m so sorry I was on my phone and I didn’t see where I was going.” I hear the girl go on while I quickly button up my black blazer to hide my shirt. I look at her for the first time and, even though she’s bent over picking up her phone, I immediately recognize the school uniform she’s wearing.  


She stands up straight and I get a good glance at her; she’s got long, straight, jet black hair which contrasts to her pale skin and dark, brown eyes. Her nose stands tall and straight in the center of her face and her dark eyebrows are furrowed as she looks at what she’s done.  


“No, it’s my fault I wasn’t looking. I’m sorry,” I say right after to make sure it’s not her fault. After all, I wasn’t looking.  


“It must be so hot, I didn’t mean to—”  


“No, it’s no big deal, really,” I try to convince her although my shirt feels like it’s burning right through my skin. Oh yeah, second-degree burns are no big deal.  


“I’ve got an extra shirt anyway, so I’m fine. Thank you though.” She begins laughing a little and I watch her smile reach her eyes.  


“What’s wrong? Do I look weird? I’m sorry I—”  


“No, no, it’s just that you thanked me for spilling hot coffee on you,” she manages to say before laughing harder.  


“Oh,” I join her laughing as well, not because I think it’s funny, but because I can’t help but to laugh with her.  


Once we’ve both settled down from our laughing fit I ask her, “So your blazer, you go to Eaton High?”  


“Yes, I noticed you had the same blazer, as well. You wanna to walk to school together? Or were you headed somewhere else?” Her smile never leaves her face.  


“Sure, I was just on my way over there.” I give a small smile to seem excited. I usually like walking alone, but one time can’t hurt, right? After all, she could be my first real friend.  


“I’m Ella.” She holds out her hand.  


“Maev.” I shake her hand but immediately regret it. My hands are always sweaty; she must feel disgusted by me now. There goes another potential friendship.  


We walk side by side in the direction of the school and I ask, “So are you a senior?”  


“Yes, I just moved here. My mom got a promotion here so she couldn’t turn it down. It actually seems like a cool city. I used to live in a small town in Colorado that nobody heard of and I always dreamed of living in New York, but I guess Atlanta is close enough.” She looks up at me as she talks; I’m just a couple inches taller than her.  


Throughout the walk she asks me a few questions, which I avoid by answering with one word and directing the speaking back to her. I look at the trees as I listen to her tell me about Colorado—I’ve never been.  


Before we know it, we’ve arrived at school and she follows me into the bathroom. I walk into a stall and change my shirt quickly, as to not keep her waiting. I give her a tour of the school with the remaining time before school starts.  


“Thank you for taking your time to show me around. I’d be lost without you.” She laughs a little in a way I’ve noticed she does when she’s a bit embarrassed.  


“No problem, I have a lot of time on my hands anyway. It was nice to have some company around here. I’m kind of an outsider in school and everywhere else, I guess.” I try to laugh it off the way she does but just end up looking dumb.  


“Hey, we can be friends. I don’t see why people wouldn’t want to be around an amazing person like you.”  


“You don’t have to say that. You can leave if you want to.” My smile turns bitter. Everyone always leaves me. I know I’m difficult to talk to. I deny anything good said about me and don’t talk much else. It’s hard for me to warm up to people; it’s like I have this insane voice in the back of my head telling me to keep quiet. If you don’t talk, no one’ll hate you and you’ll live happily. And isn’t that the goal? Happiness?  


Ella waves her hand in front of me, bringing me back to reality, “Maev? Hello?”  


“I’m sorry. I just get caught up in my thoughts sometimes. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to,” I say so quick I can’t even understand myself.  


“No, it’s totally fine. I do that sometimes, too. But, no, I said you’re amazing because you’re genuinely a great person. I know we don’t have any classes together, but maybe we could hang out at lunch?”  


“Sure.” Ella’s smile beams brighter than anything I’ve ever seen. She’s beautiful when she smiles and when she’s not smiling. She has a certain look in her eyes that makes me feel more comfortable around her. And she smiles with her eyes; everyone I see never smiles with their eyes, only with their mouth. But whenever I see Ella’s eyes crinkle in that special way, I can’t help but smile as well.  


I show her the spot where I eat lunch. It’s a line of benches along the back wall of one of the buildings and it’s isolated during lunch. I’m the only one who even walks back there. I love it because it’s quiet. Even though I’m always alone, I never seem to have enough time to think.  


“Seems like your quiet place. You sure you want me to join you?” Ella takes a seat on one of the middle benches.  


“I sit here because everyone in this school hates me, not because I want to.”  


“I’m sure that’s not true.”  


“It’s brutal, but it’s the truth.” I take a seat next to her and lean back. Sometimes I love thinking about the cold, hard truth and sometimes I want to live in a fantasy. I’m torn between fantasy and reality and I don’t know which one’s worse: dreaming of something that’s never going to happen or accepting the fact that my dream will never happen.  


“What do you mean?” She faced me with a serious expression, as if she was actually interested in my answer.  


“Isn’t it obvious? They have money and I don’t.” Every single one of them thinks the world revolves around them and because I don’t agree with them and choose not to live in their fantasy, they hate me. It’s fucking insane.  


“I don’t get it. What does money have to do with any of this?” I feel like crying, not because of what she said, but because I get worked up over every little thing; it’s exhausting.  


“It’s not about money; it’s about them thinking they’re better than me,” I whisper to avoid shouting. My breathing becomes heavier and I stuff my fists into my pockets. I don’t know why I’m even mad anymore; I’ve lived like this my entire life.  


The bell rings and I let out a sigh of relief. I know I wished for a friend to talk to, but I can’t even talk without breaking down every five minutes.  


We agree to meet at the same spot for break and lunch and head our separate ways. As I walk down the hallway to first period, I keep my head low and stare at the floor in front of me. It’s my senior year and I feel like a little freshman. I can’t believe nothing has changed since I moved here; I’m still invisible.  


I walk into history class and look around for a free seat. I’m usually the first to arrive to a classroom so there are plenty of open spaces. Ever since I started attending Eaton High, I’ve learned to sit at the desk closest to the teacher’s table. That way I wouldn’t have to deal with any kids picking on me, like they usually do both in and outside of school.  


I sit along the edge of the classroom. Since it’s my senior year, I want a fresh start. I’m not going to be that girl who sits at her own desk, overwhelmed by the thoughts in her head. No, I’m going out into the “real world” in ten, short months and that means I need to learn to be sociable.  


Just then, the ultimate pretty boy takes a seat next to me. I can’t help but to stare at his flawless, tanned skin and perfect row of teeth. It makes me self-conscious about my own body.  


I turn the other way to avoid a conversation but he taps me on the shoulder and says, “Hey, Mack, right?”  


“Uh, Maev.” I feel dumb.  


“Maev, I was wondering if you wanted to go to homecoming with me.” There’s a big smile plastered on his face and I can’t believe that someone actually asked me out. And I can’t believe out of _everyone_ it’s the captain of the varsity baseball team. I mean I’m flattered, but I don’t exactly roll that way.  


I imaginatively pat myself on the back for the lamest joke in the world and say, “Uh, well, it’s a bit early for homecoming, isn’t it?”  


Immediately after I finish my sentence, Varsity’s smile turns into an explosion of laughter and he holds his hands up in defeat as the other baseball players in the back join in laughing. “I’m just kidding. I wasn’t actually asking you out; it was a dare.”  


Varsity walks over to his friends in the back laughing harder than before, leaving me alone once again. Embarrassing. Of course it was a joke. Who am I to think that was real? I’m so fucking stupid for falling for that.  


The second bell rings and I stare down at my desk, scolding myself for what had just happened. The teacher walks into the room and the room quiets down. I notice that the only empty seat is the one next to me; that’s not the first time this has happened to me.  


Our teacher begins speaking and although I’m trying my best to concentrate, I can’t help but to stray with my thoughts. I can still feel my heart pounding from the embarrassment that occurred just five minutes ago.  


Before I can dive too deep into my head, a late student barges into the classroom. He’s all smiles and I kind of admire him for his confidence. I would never be able to walk into a class late; the idea of all those kids staring at me scares me.  


After he’s scolded by the teacher, he takes the only seat available: next to me. He looks like the kind of guy who doesn’t think much. I applaud myself once again for managing to sit next to _that_ guy. I assume he’s another new kid because I’ve never seen him before and I notice everyone around me.  


I must’ve been staring at him because he leans near me and says, “I know I’m attractive, but please refrain from murdering me with your eyes. Thank you.” He smiles crookedly and waits for me to reply.  


“I, uh, wasn’t,” I say lamely and turn back to the front of the classroom. _You fucking idiot. You can’t say a single sentence smoothly. Now he thinks you’re onto him._  


I clear my head and turn my attention forward. It’s my last year here and I definitely want to make it something I remember, in a good way, of course. The first step to that would be a perfect record.

\--

I manage to survive the first two periods of the day without having a mental breakdown and meet Ella in our secret spot. It feels great to see her after going through absolute hell in the classroom. For some reason, I feel safer around her than I have around anyone else, though she’s practically a stranger. I’ve known some people for years and don’t know the first thing about them, but I didn’t even know Ella existed for more than four hours and I already feel comfortable with her.  


We sit side by side—not close enough to be touching each other, but not too far either—and just stare in front of us for a while. I mindlessly eat a bag full of grapes and she holds her water bottle in her hand.  


I’m not exactly sure what to say to her. She’s probably already met some wonderful friends and is trying to figure out how to tell me she doesn’t want to sit with me anymore.  


I settle for: “So how was the first two classes of your time here?”  


“Standard. You know, the welcome everybody, lots to learn, here’s your first assignment. Then, we’re left alone to work.”  


“Yep, first days are pretty boring. You meet any new friends?” I notice she faces me everytime we talk. It’s as if she gives me her full attention; it kind of makes me feel special.  


“I talked to a few people here and there. You’re really the only friend I’ve made, but I seem to be fitting in pretty well.”  


“That’s good.” I don’t know what else to say. So we sit there smiling at each other until I look away. I’m not very good at eye contact. I eat more grapes and she takes a sip of her water and we listen to the kids inside of the building.  


The bell rings again and we don’t see each other until lunch. I sit at the bench waiting for Ella to arrive, but five minutes pass and I tell myself I’m alone once again. I sigh and pull out my pathetic peanut butter and jelly sandwich.  


I was dumb to think she’d want to continue sitting with me. We barely spoke during break; there was no way she’d want to spend the rest of the school year with me. I set my bag on the floor and lie down on the bench, looking up at the sky. I wonder if people slowly drift away from each other or if they just leave one day and never look back. Of all the people in the world, I would probably know the answer to this question, especially since I’m an expert at watching people leave my life.  


Do friends make people happy? Am I like this because I’m alone all the time? Everywhere I look my classmates are always smiling around their friends. Maybe that’s what I’m missing in my life.  


“Are you going to make me move to another bench?” I hear a familiar voice ask. I find myself looking at Ella as she smiles back down at me.  


“Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to—” I take my feet off the bench and sit up straight.  


“It’s okay, I was just joking.” She laughs a little.  


“I didn’t know if you were coming back,” I said nervously.  


“Maev, you think you can get rid of me that easily?” I love the way she says my name: soft and gentle. I give a nervous laugh and stare at my sandwich. I don’t have an appetite anymore.  


“So tell me more about yourself. What are your hobbies? Favorite color and stuff like that,” I say to make up for the silence.  


“Well, I love running. I’m thinking about trying out for the cross country team. What about you?”  


“Sports are not my thing. But I heard tryouts are coming up. You should definitely go for it. All our teams basically take whoever tries out because none of these kids get off their lazy asses.”  


“Says the girl who doesn’t play any sports.” She laughs and I give a shy smile.  


“Well, I’d be happy to run with you sometimes—for practice,” I offer.  


“That would be nice.”

\--

I have a free period at the end of the day, so I decide to leave school. I walk to the diner just a couple blocks from the school and order a chocolate milkshake, my favorite. While waiting for the waitress to bring me the milkshake, I pull out a book from my bag and begin reading. I used to come to the diner every day after school and read until it turned dark. I can’t even focus on the book in my hands now.  


My drink arrives and I set my book down, using the shake as a distraction from actually accomplishing any work. It’s been harder and harder to concentrate on anything lately.  


I become lost in thought until the lazy student from first period waves his hand in front of me. I jolt in my chair and let out an exasperated sigh when I realize it’s just him.  


“A bit on edge there, aren’t you?” the guy asks with a smile; the same, sloppy smile from the morning. I get a better look at him and notice the freckles sprawled around his nose and the way he slouches a little when standing up.  


I gesture him toward the chair across from me and he takes a seat while sliding his backpack onto the floor.  


“What are you reading?” he asks with his elbows propped up on the table.  


I slide the paperback towards him while taking a sip of my shake. _Catcher In the Rye_.  


“Cool, you’re Maev, right?” he asks and slides the book back to me.  


“Yep, and you are—”  


“Oz. We have first period together, right? You were checking me out.” He gives a lopsided smile.  


“Um, I wasn’t checking you out,” I try to deny, but I don’t think he’s listening to me.

\--

Just before the sun sets, I walk into the Uptown Cafe to begin my night shift. It’s usually slow on weekdays so there’s not much to do than stand around and occasionally refill water glasses.  


Another waiter on shift, Kane, sits at the booth closest to me and busies himself refilling the salt and pepper shakers. I take one last glance at the few occupied tables and shift over to Kane.  


“Pretty slow night, huh?” Kane asks, giving me a quick glance before continuing pouring pepper into a small container.  


I take a seat and start pouring salt in another container. “Yep. How are you?” I ask as an attempt at a conversation.  


“Pretty rough. I’ve been working ‘round the clock to pay for college tuition.” I nod, staying quiet. I don’t know much else about him because I never ask.  


“I’m thinking about getting a loan, so I won't have to worry about it.”  


“You should; then you wouldn't have to stress about it.” He finishes filling all the pepper containers and watches me finish with the salt. I get nervous when I notice him staring, so I spill some salt on the table. What a fucking idiot. Kane wipes the salt as I continue. It’s a quarter ‘til nine o’clock when I finish filling the salt shakers.  


The bell on top of the door rings as customers come in and I let out a sigh as I see Varsity and his baseball friends fill a couple tables.  


“Hey, Mack,” Varsity calls out before taking his seat. His friends hollar behind him and I remember the incident from this morning, when I was embarrassed in front of the entire class.  


“Don’t worry. I got them,” Kane assures me and I give a small, thankful smile. As he approaches the boys, I head into the kitchen—out of sight from them.  


“What’s up?,” Baker sits on the counter and scrolls on his phone.  


“I’m trying to get away from the guys outside.”  


Baker shakes his head knowingly. He and Kane watches out for me whenever guys like Varsity picks on me. Since Baker’s an actual ‘adult’ and Kane’s a senior in college, I’m like the baby of the group.  


“If you want to head out for the night, I can close up for you.”  


“No, I’m fine.” I had just gotten a promotion as manager, meaning I have to take more responsibility for things, including locking up the restaurant.  


The baseball team stay in their seats well past nine pm, forcing me to stay longer than expected. Kane left promptly at nine—he had classes early the next morning—but Baker offered to stay with me. After Varsity leaves, we clean up the place.  


“So how was your first day of school?” Baker asks while walking me to my car.  


"Don’t even mention it. Before first period even started, I was practically laughed at by the entire senior class.”  


“Don’t worry about it. I’m sure things’ll get better. You just gotta stay away from the assholes.”  


“Like Varsity and those guys from earlier.”  


“That’s right. Don’t even talk to them if they're giving you a hard time.”  


I open the car door and thank Baker.  


“Smile, kid. Tomorrow’s going to be better.”  


“Promise?” I like to think promises will make things better, but they don’t—they never do.  


Baker knows this and chuckles as he shakes his head. “I’ll see you on Wednesday, Maev.”


	2. Will I Lay By Your Side

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [TW- Drugs. Alcohol. Suicide. Language.]

I don’t see Ella until lunch. We sit on the bench, shaded from the sun by the towering trees. Ella bought a salad from the school and I’m munching on fruit gummies. Although Ella makes me feel slightly more comfortable, I’m still nervous around her so I keep quiet.  


She asks me questions about myself and I answer, but it’s mainly her talking. I learn more about her each day. She loves cats and even owns one named ‘Berdy’ and she’s been playing the piano since she can remember. Her favorite ice cream is pistachio and she can’t stand it when people chew with their mouth open, which I also hate. She also tells me more personal things like how her last boyfriend of two years cheated on her. And how her father, who she was really close with, died just a couple months ago. I guess it really fucked her up because she cried a bit and stopped talking the rest of the day.  


I went running with her once, but couldn't keep up with her. So we never went again, but she made it onto the team. I come out to her races whenever I can.  


She invited me over to her house once, but I declined because I had to work. I really wished I could’ve gone over; just simply being with her makes my day better.  


After a couple weeks, I opened up to her more. I told her of the one time I walked down Main Street and she understood more about why I distance myself from the people at school. I also told her of my favorite books and songs and how I love walking to school early in the morning—or just walking in general.  


She began walking to school with me every morning. I would look up at the trees and she would drink her coffee and we would just talk. Talking to her felt like no time had passed at all; I didn’t have to struggle with what I would say next, it just came to me.

\-- 

My therapist, Dr. Alexander, says I’m improving. Ever since school started I haven’t had as many anxiety attacks or bad days in general, but right when I woke up, I knew this day wasn’t going to end well.  


Ella waited for me in the living room as I got dressed. I was running late on a test day of all days. I already felt shitty, so I skipped my meds and just headed out the door. 

Somehow, I could feel Ella’s annoyance with me as we walked to school. I didn’t say a word as to not piss her off any more. Ella wasn’t glaring at me or anything, but she didn’t speak either so I assumed she was mad at me. _I’m such a fuck up. It’s my fault; everything’s always my fault._ I couldn’t think of anything else all throughout the day.  


At lunch, I distanced myself from her. She talked to me, but I wasn’t really listening. I couldn’t stop telling myself that it’s my fault, that I didn’t try hard enough on that test or I wanted to fail. I wanted it to end, the endless noise in my head was screwing me up. I shouldn’t have skipped my meds this morning.  


I stared in front of me, not paying any attention to Maev. She was telling me about some incident with Berdy last night or something. I didn’t bother to listen today. _Shut up, shut up, shut up! Worthless; you don’t deserve anything._  


“Maev, you okay?” I see Ella watching me with a worried expression.  


“I’m fine. Just tired.” I turn my attention to my to the trees. Usually they make me feel better—like everything’s okay—but it doesn’t work today. Ella goes silent and I tell myself it’s my fault.

\-- 

I sit at the same table at the diner with a book in my hands. I don’t have the energy to open it, let alone read it. Oz sits opposite me and I can tell he’s uncomfortable with my silence. I mean today’s silence as opposed to my usual silence; it’s colder and more depressing.  


“How are you?” Oz begins.  


“I’m fine.” I don’t think there’s a more obvious way to say ‘I am most definitely not fine’.  


“Whatever it is, you can tell me. I won’t judge you or make fun of you or anything,” he assures me.  


“It’s nothing you can change.” It’s just me.  


“I think I’m gonna head home. I just need to be alone right now.” I gather my things into my backpack. Oz nods and I leave him alone at the diner.  


Things are harder at home. I blast music out loud so I won’t hear my own thoughts and I stare at the clock, a couple hours before my shift. I really don’t want to go, but that doesn’t matter. I’m the manager now, what happened to taking responsibility? Who cares about responsibility? _I care. I don’t care. I care. I don’t care._ I think circles around my sadness like I always do.  


I get off the couch. I walk to the kitchen. I swallow my pills. I gulp down some water. I sit back at the couch. I feel like I’m experiencing everything in the third person, like I’m just going through the motions.  


School would have ended by now, maybe I can give Ella a call. I pull out my phone and scroll to her number. Or maybe I should just do some homework. What if she thinks I’m being too clingy or obsessive?  


I put the phone back down and look back at the clock. No time has passed at all. After a little longer of staring at nothing, I walk to my room and begin my homework. The load isn’t as bad as last year, especially since I have a free period each semester. I’m glad the workload isn’t stressful, but also ashamed for not taking more classes or at least some challenging classes.  


I find myself staring into space again. I don’t mean to, I just do. I thought about Ella and the way she makes me feel like I can finally breathe in this world. Hanging out with her is like a breath of fresh air, in a mental sense.  


I give up with homework and decide to call Ella. Maybe we can meet up before work.  


The phone rings three times before she picks up. “Hello?” Her voice is soft and comforting, like the kind I fall asleep to when I listen to light music late at night.  


“Ella, hey.”

\-- 

I see Ella appear from the trees from where I sit at the top of the playground. She’s wearing a cardigan over a t-shirt and jeans. And she’s smiling at me. I felt better around her, like I was safe from myself.  


“Why are you smiling so much?” I ask when she takes a seat next to me, our legs dangling over the edge of the platform.  


“I’m happy you called. I was getting worried earlier today.”  


“Oh that was nothing, really. I just forgot to take my meds this morning. Just a bad day; nothing to get worried about.” I reassure her with a soft smile. I turn my body to face her and she leans her shoulder against the railing.  


“That's good. I was actually wondering about calling you to check up.”  


We grow silent, not knowing what to say. “They’re anti-depressants,” I blurt out.  


Ella turns her head to face me. “What?”  


“The medication I mentioned. They’re anti-depressants. I’ve been diagnosed with depression and generalized anxiety disorder. That’s why I act the way I do sometimes.”  


Ella offers a warm smile.  


“I’m sorry, I don’t know why I said that.”  


“No,” Ella leans forward and takes my hand, “It’s great that you shared that. I know how hard it is to talk about something like that. My—um—my father committed suicide,” she said the last part slowly.  


I don’t know what to say. I don’t know what I felt or how she must’ve felt. So I just squeeze her hand. I could tell she was trying to hold back tears, but I didn’t know how I could comfort her.  


“It’s okay, you don’t have to talk about it,” I try. The sun begins going down and I know I have to head for work, but I don’t want to leave Ella.  


I don’t move; I just watch Ella. She’s fiddling with the end of her shirt with her free hand. We don’t speak, but it doesn’t feel awkward, it feels refreshing.  


I check the time; there’s no point in going anymore, I’m already late.  


“I have to go to work,” I still say softly. We both get up and walk out of the park.  


“So I’ve been practicing a new song and I want you to hear it. Maybe you can come over tomorrow,” Ella changes the subject cheerfully.  


“Yeah, I mean I have an appointment with my therapist tomorrow, but I’m free at noon.”  


Ella walks me to the Uptown Cafe and leaves from there. When I enter the cafe, Baker immediately rushes over to me.  


“Maev, I was worried that something had happened to you,” he says.  


“I was just caught up—lost track of time. You know, just a slow day,” I assure him.  


“Who was that?” He pointed to the front door where Ella had left.  


“Oh, that was Ella. She’s a friend.” I set my bag in the back and tie up my hair. “Where’s Kane?”  


“His little brother’s got a fever, so he’s staying in to take care of him.”  


“Thanks for covering for me. I thought Kane was gonna be here to help.”  


“No problem. I understand,” he says before heading back into the kitchen. I stand watch in the corner of the cafe. Everyone inside seems occupied with their dinner, so I take a seat and fiddle with the set of silverware.  


The bell on top of the door rings and I look to find Varsity and a couple of his best friends enter the restaurant. They take a seat at the same table as last time and holler at me to take their order.  


“What can I get you?” I ask in the friendliest tone I possibly can. If killing them with my fists is illegal, then I’ll kill them with kindness.  


“Do you work 24/7? Or am I just lucky to arrive every time you’re working?” Varsity asks and his friends smirk.  


“What can I get you?” I repeat in a more angered tone.  


“You know what I want.” He gives me a shining smile and winks at me the same way he winks at all the girls he picks up.  


I walk into the kitchen, disgusted that I’ve served him enough times to know his order. Baker picks up on it right away and asks if I’d rather have him wait on Varsity, but I decline his offer. As tempting as it sounds, I need to start standing my own ground. I’m not always going to have Baker to have my back.  


As soon as Baker prepares the dishes, I bring them out to the guys at the table. I hear their snarky comments behind my back as I walk away.

\-- 

On Fridays the cafe closes early. I walk home, but I don't want to go inside, so I take my keys and drive to the mall. It’s crowded even at this time. I watch the people as I walk past the shops. They’re mostly teenagers hanging out with their friends.  


I buy a candy bar and a water and sit at one of the benches. I don’t know why I came here; it’s too loud. I take a sip of my water and plug in my earbuds. I don’t listen to anything, I just use them to make me seem occupied. Instead, I listen to the blurred noise of the outside world; everyone’s talking all at once. One group of friends is talking about a new movie, or more about the hot guy in the new movie. Another couple playfully argues about who’s a better James Bond.  


I unwrap the candy bar, but don’t eat it. I don’t eat candy, but I bought it anyway. I don’t feel good. I need to be doing something, not just sitting here. I throw away the candy and head into one of the clothing stores. I walk through the rack of clothes and stop in front of a grey sweater. There’s a cartoon character on the front, but I forgot who it was. 

After staring at it for a couple minutes, I’m approached by an employee.  


“Hello, can I help you find anything today?” she asks in a cheerful tone. She’s smiling at me, but it’s fake; she’s just doing her job. I wish I could see Ella’s smile right now. Maybe that would make me feel better.  


“No, thank you.” She nods and mentions something else, but I don’t hear her. Once she leaves, I walk to the register with the sweater in my hand. It’s twenty dollars that I manage to scrounge up from my backpack.  


When I leave the store, I call Ella, but she doesn’t pick up. I finish my water and leave the mall. It’s only nine, so I drive to the Basement—Varsity’s older brother’s house. It’s near a college campus, so it’s surrounded by houses owned by other college students. He’s a rich student who doesn’t even really go to college, but he practically hosts a party every night, so I hang there every once in awhile. I know I hate Varsity, but I can’t help but go to these parties. It’s fun; it takes my mind off of myself.  


The thing about Varsity’s older brother—Sage—is he’s an addict. He’s not exactly the ‘goody two shoes’ that Varsity is. So it’s not exactly safe to be around the Basement, but I go anyway.  


As always, the place is packed and loud. I don’t mind the noise here; the music even makes me feel better. There are people spread through the entire house, except for the basement, that’s Sage’s actual home, off limits. So it’s kind of ironic how the place is named the ‘Basement’.  


I remember Sage caught a guy sniffing through his stuff in the basement. He ended up in the hospital.  


I don’t actually talk to anyone when I come here, I just like to watch them. I head to the second floor and into the last bedroom, where Sage and his friends always hang out. When I enter the room, no one notices. The lights are off and they’re all high. From here, the music is muffled and I can hear someone moaning from the next room over.  


The smell of smoke is overwhelming and I cough a couple times before getting used to it. I notice puke in the corner when I pull a fold-up chair against the wall. The room is pretty spartan, everyone’s mainly sitting on the floor. There’s a couple plastic chairs and a bare mattress on the floor near the puke. I spot Sage in the corner across from the puke. His eyes are closed and he’s holding a pipe and a lighter.  


I watch the other guys in the room; there are a couple new faces, but most are familiar. Some of them are smiling manically and others seem to be in another galaxy. I don’t know why I watch them; maybe I’m just as crazy as them. I sit there for a long time, losing track of time like the guys in the room.  


After a while, I leave for a drink. There’s all sorts of drinks in the kitchen illegal for my age, but I grab a water bottle. I check the time, it’s almost twelve. I have to push my way out of the kitchen and into the living room. There are people yelling, dancing, kissing. I think I saw a fight going on through the window, but I ignore it and head upstairs again.  


Before I make it back into the room, Ella calls me back. I go into the bathroom to muffle the sound of the loud rap song in the background and find a girl passed out next to the toilet. There’s vomit in the toilet and the smell almost makes me puke myself. I lock the door and answer the call.  


“Hello?” I hope she doesn’t hear everything that’s going on in the background. I hold my sleeve over my nose to cover up the smell.  


“Maev, you called?”  


“Oh, yeah. I was just bored and I wanted to hang, but it’s fine.”  


“Is everything alright?” I sit on the counter and watch the girl; she’s beginning to wake up.  


“Everything’s fine. I’m just a bit busy right now. I’ll see you tomorrow?” We say goodbye and I hang up just before the girl is completely conscious.  


Before I can say a word, she retches into the toilet. The sound is enough to make me cringe.  


“Hey, are you alright?” I slide off the counter and crouch down next to her as she wipes her mouth with her sleeve.  


“Where am I?” Her voice is ragged and rough.  


“Uh, don’t move. I’ll get you some water,” I say before rushing out of the bathroom and down the stairs.  


When I come back she’s leaning against the bathtub, looking dazed and out of it, and the smell of vomit has gone down the toilet. I hand her the water and she takes large gulps, drinking the entire thing in under a minute.  


“You want me to get you some more?” I ask, my voice feels small.  


“No, I’m fine. Who are you?” She looks at me for the first time.  


“I’m Maev.” She doesn’t say anything for a while and just stares at me with blood-shot eyes.  


“I’m Valerie.” She’s wearing blue jeans and an oversized hoodie that reads ‘GEORGIA TECH’ in bold, yellow letters. Her makeup is messy, like she did it in a hurry, and her face looks too thin, like she’s been starving herself. Her eyes are a dark brown and deep-set into her face and her light, brown hair is tied in a loose bun, showing her cheekbones which protrude from her face. Her nose is straight, dotted with freckles, and her lips are red and dry.  


She gets up and walks up to me, causing me to back up and bang my head against the door. She smiles a little and turns on the faucet. She lightly splashes water over her face as to not make her already messy makeup any worse.  


She turns off the faucet and brushes by me to grab the towel hung on the wall. She smells like smoke with a hint of lemon. My breathing becomes heavier when I notice how close she is to me.  


After wiping her face clean, she places the towel on the counter. I can’t help but to stare at her. Her face is carved thin, but she’s beautiful. I find myself staring at her lips. 

They aren’t as red; she must’ve been wearing lipstick. She gives me a smirk and leans in closer to me. I put my hand on her hip, pulling her closer. Her breath smells like alcohol.  


She kisses me softly and wraps her arms around my waist. Without thinking, I close my eyes and kiss her back, sliding my hands up and down her back. Her body feels fragile through the hoodie, like her bones could collapse under my arms. I can feel her breath deepening as her chest presses against mine. She bites my lip in between kisses and I let out a soft moan. I feel her pull my waist closer to hers as if they could be any closer.  


I break the kiss and lean back against the door. My hands have slided back down to her hips, but hers are still wrapped around my lower back. She rests her head on my shoulder and slows her breathing. My body stiffens when I realize her arms are still wrapped around me.  


I forget all about it when I feel her plant small kisses along my jaw and my knees almost buckle from her touch. Her lips are soft against my skin. She trails kisses back to my lips and bites my lower lip. Before I can push her away, she’s on me again. Her kisses are longer and careless, like she craves the touch.  


She grabs my ass and pulls me closer to her. I hear her moan against my lips and I put my hand against the back of her hot neck. She begins tugging at the end of my shirt, willing me to pull it off, but I push her away.  


My head is against the bathroom door and my heart is pounding. I put my sweaty hands against the cool door; it feels nice. We’re both breathing heavily and I see her smiling wide at me. Her smile is beautiful; it makes her face seem a little less thin.  


“It was nice meeting you, Maev.” Her voice sounds more lively and softer now.  


Without saying a word, I leave the bathroom. I walk out to my car and sit in the driver’s seat. My heart is still thumping against my chest and my thoughts are rushing, overwhelming.

\-- 

The next morning, I couldn’t stop thinking about Valerie. I wanted to see her again. Maybe I’ll swing by the Basement again tonight.  


“Maev, are you listening to me?” Dr. Alexander leans toward me to get my attention. I almost jump at his voice.  


“Uh, yes,” I slowly reply. I fumble with the hem of my sweater; I’m wearing the one I bought the day before, though I still don’t know who’s printed on the front.  


“What were you thinking about?” I stare at him for a couple seconds, deciding whether or not to tell him.  


“I was thinking about Valerie,” I say, almost smiling as I said her name out loud for the first time.  


“Who’s Valerie?”  


“She’s a girl. I met her last night and she’s cool.” She’s got really soft lips and I can still feel her hands wrapped around my body.  


“It’s good that you’re meeting new people. Where did you meet her?” I can hear the happiness in Alexander’s voice, like he’s pleased with my mood.

\-- 

I arrive at Ella’s house later than planned. It looks pretty average on the outside, but inside is beautiful. There are paintings and other artwork hung up against the walls. There are also photos of Ella and her family hung in picture frames. It’s very different from my apartment, where the walls are bare.  


“Sorry I’m late, I got hung up at my appointment.” I take off my coat and hang it over a chair.  


“No problem. You just missed my parents; they’re headed out for the day.”  


We eat pasta that Ella cooked earlier this morning, then she brings me to a room where her piano sits. She told me that she’s been practicing this song for weeks and just finally got it down.  


I sit next to her on the bench and she begins playing. The sound is like nothing I’ve ever heard before. Maybe because I don’t often listen to the piano by itself. The tune is fast, but soft and I close my eyes, completely losing myself in the music.

\-- 

I leave at eight, after having dinner with her parents. There is only one word to describe the meeting: awkward. I don’t work well with adults, or authority figures in general. It all makes me nervous and I tend to hide in myself when I’m around them.  


Once I leave, I drive straight to the Basement. The day went by so quickly, it felt like nothing happened at all. All I could think about was Valerie and the way she made me feel. I have to park two blocks away because there were no parking spaces. The house is always more crowded on the weekends.  


There are a group of girls hanging out on the front porch; Valerie isn’t in the group. I walk around the house, searching for her, but there’s no luck. I enter the bathroom where we met, but it’s empty. Maybe she only comes once a week or she’s busy. I was crazy to think she would come back or even to be looking for me like I was for her.  


I gave up and went to Sage with a bottle of water in my hand. There’s a dim light illuminating the entire room, an upgrade from the total darkness last night. Sage isn’t in the room today. When I ask one of the guys where he was, they pointed to the wall, meaning the room next door. I could hear the bedframe banging against the wall and moans coming from the adjacent room.  


I sigh and take a seat close to the door. Maybe I'll see Valerie if she comes in. I watch one guy snort a line of cocaine. He lays back against the wall and looks up at the ceiling. I wonder what he’s feeling now. Content? Happiness? I wish I could feel that way, but I don’t allow myself to try anything. No crack. No meth. Nothing. I only watch the guys do it.  


“Wow. Is this a fetish or something?” It’s Valerie. I turn and find her leaning against the doorframe, staring right at me with a smirk. She’s got a striped, short-sleeve shirt on and black jeans. Her makeup is the same as yesterday’s—her mascara is thick and messy—and her hair is in the same, loose bun.  


“Oh, no. I just like watching them, you know, do their thing.” I stumble out my words.  


“So are you just gonna sit there or are you coming with me?” she asks and I immediately get out of the chair.  


She leads me to an empty bedroom which is surprising because usually all the rooms are either packed or occupied. Once the door closes, she leans in and kisses me. Her lips felt just as soft as the night before. She pushes me back onto the bed and climbs on top of me.  


I’m losing myself quickly, forgetting who I am and everything else. She slops wet kisses down my neck and throws her shirt off. I notice her skin is wrapped tight around her ribcage. Before I can move, she’s back on top of me, biting the skin of my neck.  


“Tweety Bird?” She laughs and helps me wiggle off my own shirt. _Tweety Bird! That’s the cartoon on my shirt._ Valerie trails kisses down my stomach. My chest heaves up and down as I take long, deep breaths. I close my eyes and feel her hands travel down the sides of my body and undo the button of my jeans.  


She comes back up and kisses my lips. My hands are getting sweaty again and I wipe them against the bed sheets. I place my hand against the back of her neck and pull her waist closer with my other hand. Her kisses become rougher and shorter as she unclips my bra. My heart’s pounding even harder against my chest; I have no idea what to do with my hands, so I keep them around her waist. She breaks the kiss to pull off both of our jeans and skivvies and before she could come back, I lean up and kiss her again. Her hands grab at my skin, like she couldn’t get enough of it. The kiss is hard and quick before she moves down my body.

\-- 

There’s only one lamp on in the entire room, so half of Valerie’s face is covered in shadows. I look at the clock on the nightstand next to the bed, it’s eleven pm. I can still hear my heart thumping from earlier.  


Val is laying next to me, our legs intertwined beneath the bed sheets. She reaches down to grab her jeans from the floor and I stare at the muscles on her bare back, strained from the effort. She pulls out a pack of cigarettes and a lighter and look away quickly. She lights a smoke and offers me one, but I decline.  


“I don’t smoke,” I say, my voice cracking. When she laughs, a puff of smoke blows out of her mouth. She leans in and plants a dry kiss at the end of my jaw, just under my ear.  


“You come to a place like this and don’t smoke? Sounds like bullshit,” she says before taking another drag. The blanket is itchy against my naked body.  


“I come to see Sage.” I stare up at the ceiling. I can smell Val’s smoke.  


“You mean to watch those guys smoking? That’s all you do? Watch them?” She blows another puff of smoke into the air. The room is starting to smell like nicotine.  


“Yeah. It’s really not as boring as it sounds. The shit they do is insane.” She faces me, but I continue to stare straight up.  


“So how old are you?” I ask to break the silence.  


“Nineteen. You?”  


“Seventeen.” I see her nod in the corner of my eye.  


“Why did you run out yesterday?” she asks in a whisper, as if she’s afraid of what I might say. I didn’t know what to say; I didn’t even know why I did what I did.  


“I don’t know.”  


“I really like your name, Maev.” She smiles with the cigarette in between her lips.  


“What am I doing here?” I whisper.  


“I ask myself the same thing everyday.” Val mashes the cigarette butt against the nightstand and drops it on the floor.  


“I mean, what’s the point? Why do we make these decisions? I have to decide to get up and go home. Then, I’ll wake up Monday morning and decide go to school and I’ll pretend that everything is normal—that everything is fine. What does it matter if I just forget it and stay here? Who cares if I never leave this place?” I look at Val and know I messed everything up. She gives me the same look that everybody else gives me, like they don’t understand me.  


“It doesn’t.”  


“What?” She just confirmed everything I’ve ever thought about for the past year. In a matter of seconds, she answered the very question that has wrecked my brain for hours and hours. She told me what everyone else is afraid to tell me in fear of what I’d do.  


“It doesn’t matter what you do. You’re right, nobody cares. Nobody really gives a shit about anyone else, but this isn’t about them. This is about you. We make these decisions because it’s what’ll make us happy. Maybe you need to start making decisions that’ll make _you_ happy.”


	3. Curses We Uttered To Each Other

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [TW- Self-harm. Drugs. Alcohol. Anorexia. Suicide. Language.]

I meet Ella at our lunch spot on Monday morning. We’re twenty minutes early, so I sit there silently while Ella takes sips of her coffee. Today, she’s not wearing her blazer over her shirt and she’s got her hair in a pony tail. I watch as the sun creates a halo around her frame.  


She’s got dark circles under her eyes and her nose looks narrower as if she lost some weight. It reminds me of Val. Her words keep running through my mind. _Maybe you need to start making decisions that’ll make you happy._  


She glances at me and smiles wide. “What?”  


“Nothing,” I murmur and quickly look away. I never thought about my decisions like that, like they determine what I feel. Maybe I’m not happy because I’m constantly doing things for other people and not myself.  


I lean back against the bench and close my eyes. It’s sunny but I feel the cold from the night before bite my cheeks. I feel Ella’s warmth as she scoots closer to me on the bench. The kids from the inside of the building scream and yell, trying to talk over each other.  


“Maev. Hi.” I hear a familiar voice call out. I turn and find Varsity approaching us from the corner of the building. Great, just what I need right now.  


“Var—Sam,” I say.  


“Hey, listen, I’m sorry if I made you feel uncomfortable or anything when we first met. I wasn’t trying to hurt you or whatever.”  


“Um, it’s alright.” My voice sounds small next to his.  


“I’m truly sorry. But I’m actually here for Ella.” He turns to her and brings up a bouquet of red roses I hadn’t noticed before. “I wanted to ask you if you wanted to go to homecoming with me?”  


“Uh—” she seems completely blown away and I freeze at the question. He’s trying to rub it in my face; he’s not sorry at all.  


“I’m completely serious.” He gives her a hopeful look, the kind of look that’s impossible to say no to.  


“I’ll get back to you on that.” Ella offers him a smile, but it feels different when she smiles at him. It gives a different vibe, like a friendly smile rather than a happy smile.  


“Of course, take your time. And Maev, I’m very sorry about the misunderstanding the other day.” He shines that perfect-toothed smile of his at Ella and walks away with a wave.  


“He’s really nice.” Ella turns to me after he disappears around the corner.  


“Well, maybe if he likes you, but he can be a complete asshole.” I remember what Baker told me the other night. So much for staying away from him.  


“This is about the whole ‘I’m different than them’ thing, right? How about you just give him a try? Maybe he’ll surprise you.”  


“This isn’t about that. It’s Sam; I’ve known him for well over a year now and he goes through girlfriends like he goes through cars: use ‘em for a while and crash them.” I want to tell her about the time he asked me to homecoming on the first day of school, but I don’t want her to feel bad for me.  


“I can’t believe you’re hating me because I wouldn’t immediately say no to him. I was hanging out with him Friday night and he’s really nice and sweet. And I don’t think you have the right to say things about him that you don’t even know.”  


“You were with him on Friday?” I ask. The words felt like venom in my mouth. How could she possibly get along with a guy like that?  


“Yeah, he asked me out on a date.” I don’t say anything for a long time so Ella gets off the bench.  


“You know, maybe I’ll just go with him. I really thought you would give him a chance, but this just proves you’re not any better than the people you hate.” She walks away and I’m left alone.  


Did that just happen? I was trying to help her. I know the things Varsity does and I know he doesn’t really care about Ella. I don’t run after her; I’m furious. Why was she trying so hard to defend him?

\--

The day passes without my knowing. Before I know it, I’m in front of the Basement again. I’m still angry about what happened with Ella this morning. I want to forget it all; I want to feel nothing; I want to numb myself.  


I spot Val right away; she’s dancing with a group of people on the front lawn of the Basement. She’s screaming and yelling and laughing. I pull her away from the crowd and can tell she’s drunk by the way she sways when she’s standing and the smell of her breath.  


Before her lazy eyes have anytime to calculate the situation, I cup her face with my hands and pull her in for a kiss. I want to forget and kissing Val makes me forget. She drops her plastic cup full of beer and some of it spills on my sneakers, but I don’t care. I grab at her shirt, balling it up with my fists. My kisses become rougher and looser and I bite Val’s lip harder than I mean to.  


“Maev,” she moans against my lips. I shush her and continue moving my hands up and down the length of her body. _Forget. Forget. Forget._  


She pushes my shoulder and holds me away from her. When I try to lean in again, she keeps her arm stiff against me. I’m trying to hold back my tears; the feeling of loneliness is overwhelming.  


“What’s going on?” I don’t need to look at her face to know she’s worried.  


“Can we talk about it after you kiss me?” My eyes are still closed; my voice is pleading and in pain.  


When I open my eyes, I find Val staring at me with the same exact worried look I had imagined in my mind. I notice a couple people staring at us, but I don’t care anymore. Nothing matters anymore.  


She brings me away from the house, away from the crowd of people. It gets darker until the only things illuminating the road are the street lights. She sits on the curb and I sit next to her. The music from the Basement fades to a soft thump in the background. For a moment, all I can hear is my own heart beating.  


Val doesn't say anything so I start, "This morning I told my friend not to go out with this guy because he's a tool, but she didn't believe me. I was trying to help her and now she hates me."  


"So you did the complete opposite of what I told you to do?" Her eyes are lagging and her words slur together.  


"I just wanted to help her." I look at Val. She's staring at the dark road in front of us; I can't read her expression. I grab some pebbles from the ground and throw them into oblivion.  


“You keep doing these thing and you’ll only hurt yourself.” I know she’s right, so I don’t try to deny it.  


Val leans the side of her head on my shoulder and sighs. I down at her and smile, already feeling better. She starts dozing off and I shake her to wake her up.  


"Hey, Val. You can't sleep here."  


"Why not? It doesn't matter right? Like you said: nothing matters. It doesn’t matter if I never leave this curb. Is that right?" Her head bobs up and down and her eyes droop. _You matter, Val. If anything in this world matters, it’s you._  


"Here, let me take you home." I get up, dragging her arm with me.  


"Ha! Never thought I would hear you say that. Maybe next time _I_ can take _you_ home." She laughs and we start walking to my car.  


"I meant take you to _your_ house, dummy." I watch her as we walk. I came here to forget and she's the one forgetting. Maybe if I had a couple drinks I could forget, too. Maybe then I could be as careless as Val.

\--

We reach her apartment building at one in the morning. My parents will be mad I never showed, but I tell myself it's important; it’s for Val.  


She lives in a worse neighborhood than mine. The streets are littered with soda cans and beer bottles and I'm pretty sure this is where the drug deals happen, but I focus on Val and getting her home.  


Her apartment is on the second floor so we have to climb the stairs. It's a lot easier said than done when I have to carry a near-passed-out girl, even if she's just skin and bones.  


The inside of Val's apartment isn't what I'd call 'clean'. There are empty smoke packs sprawled across the floor along with dirty clothes and open coke cans. I notice a disheveled stack of papers on what I assume to be the dining room table.  


As soon as I close the front door, Val begins throwing off her clothes, starting with her shirt. She slides out of her jeans and lays on the couch in just her undergarments.  


I open her fridge and find a copious amount of water bottles along with some bottles of alcohol and a few apples.  


“Wow, you have nothing in your fridge.” I grab two water bottles and head over to her. She’s already snuggled up on the couch, ready to pass out, but I shake her.  


“Come on, you have to drink some water.” For the first time, I notice dozens of scars along her thighs; some are pale, fresh skin and some are red and almost bleeding. I lightly run my fingers along the scar. _What must’ve it felt like to do that?_  


“Val…” I start, but can’t find the right words to say. Val sits up and leans into me, giving me a soft kiss on the lips.  


“Can we talk about this after you kiss me?” she whispers. I know she’s mocking me, but I’m not mad at her.  


When she kisses me again I feel her pain and her sadness and everything I missed when I first met her. She’s not just some addict that makes me forget about the world.  


“Please don’t leave tonight,” she whispers. I can taste her breath. Alcohol.  


I pull away from her and nod. She takes the bottle of water and drinks it dry, then falls asleep immediately. I look at her scars again. There was a time when I thought about tearing my own skin apart. I didn’t do it, but the thoughts that floated through my head were a far worse pain than anything I could feel physically. I wonder what it must’ve felt like to actually go through with it. Does it feel better? Or does it make things worse?  


I take a sip of my own water bottle and walk over to the dining table. After getting a closer look at the papers, I realize they’re eviction notices and overdue bills. She owes thousands of dollars to various companies. I never thought about how hard life must’ve been for Val. I just assumed she was mentally and financially stable and she just went to the Basement for a good time.  


I enter her bedroom and find all sorts of drugs lying around. There are at least ten, nearly empty pill bottles scattered across her desk. There are glass pipes that have been lighted so many times they turned black at the bottom. There are syringes and a pack of cigarettes on the nightstand next to her bed. Next to the cigarettes, there’s a copy of _The Perks of Being A Wallflower_ with the green, paperback cover half-burnt off so the author’s name only reads ‘steph’ in white, uneven letters. The book is curled along the edges as if it’s been folded over millions of times and some of the pages are falling out of it.  


In one corner, there’s a stack of old paperback books. Classics, I would’ve never guessed Val read classics. On the floor next to it, I find a faded picture of Val when she was younger, maybe 16 or 17 years old. Her face is thicker and her hair was dyed red. She looked just as beautiful then as she does now.  


I lay on her bed and picture what she must’ve been like a couple years ago. Maybe she was insanely popular in high school. Or maybe she was a quiet kid, like me, just wanting to fit in.

\--

“You know, you look really cute when you sleep.” I wake up to Val’s voice. The room is dark, with a few streaks of sunlight shining through the blinds. I rub my eyes and find her smiling right at me from the doorframe. Her hair is a wet mess, in a bun on top of her head. She washed her makeup off and I’m awed at her natural beauty. The freckles on her nose are more apparent and her eyes don’t stand out as much. I notice her jeans and think about the scars on her thighs. Do they itch and scratch against the rough material?  


“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to take your bed.” I begin to get up, but she climbs on top of me. A couple drops of water drip from her hair onto me and the pillow I’m on. She chuckles and wipes the water from my face with her thumb, causing me to smile myself.  


“How are you feeling?” I ask, my voice hoarse.  


“Better after I threw up earlier.” Val smiles and I wonder how someone could look so beautiful while saying something so disgusting.  


“That’s good. Val, can we talk about it now?” I can’t stop seeing the red slits that line her thigh; it’s driving me crazy.  


“When did you start calling me Val?” she asks, trying to change the subject. “I like it. My brother calls me Val.”  


“You have a brother?”  


“Yeah, Ray; he’s really special. Anyway, do you have any siblings?” She slides off me and puts cigarette in her mouth. She puts her wet head in the crook of my neck. I can feel her heart beating fast against my chest and her free hand skimming the skin above my jeans. Her hair smells like lemons and I laugh a little at the thought. I don’t know why.  


“No, it’s just me.” I can feel each rib through her thin shirt. I’m careful not to press against her too much, treating her bones like glass.  


“You should eat something,” I say.  


“I’m not hungry.” Her voice is muffled as she speaks into my neck.  


I don’t know how to convince her to eat, so I change the subject. “Do you do all these?” I grab an empty syringe from the nightstand and hold it up. Val takes it from my hand and drops it on the floor, out of sight. I can’t see her expression from where I lie.  


She doesn’t answer right away, but eventually says, “Yes.”  


“Have you ever thought about stopping?”  


“It’s not as easy as it sounds.”  


“I’m not saying it sounds easy.” She turns away from me and I stare at her back. I watch the way her shirt hangs loosely off her small frame.  


“Then just imagine how much harder it would be to actually do it.”  


“Can you tell me how you started?” I want to feel her touch again, but I’m afraid of how she’ll react. This probably isn’t the best time to go all touchy-feely.  


“When I was 18, my best friend began smoking weed. As time progressed, he started doing more serious drugs. I told him to stop, but…”  


“It’s not as easy as it sounds,” I finish, repeating her.  


“Right. One night, I was sad and really depressed. Exactly how you were last night. I wanted something—anything—to get away from what I felt. So I went to my friend and he gave me a bit of cocaine. One whiff and I was gone. It was the greatest thing I’ve ever felt. It was like I was finally in control of myself, when the reality was that I had just completely lost myself. I couldn’t stop. I’ve never been able to stop since then, even after my friend died of overdose.”  


“What happened? I mean, that night you first used. What made you go to him?”  


I could feel the pain in Val’s voice.“Nothing in particular. It was something small that tipped the scales. My sadness had been building for months before that. The smallest thing would’ve ticked me off.”  


I watch her body bob up and down as she takes deep breaths. “I hated myself for so long and I didn’t know how to get rid of the anger. One hit helped me forget, even if for just a second.”

\--

I forced Val out of the house. It’s noon so I practically ditched school, but I probably wouldn’t have gone even if I hadn’t spent the night at Val’s.  
It feels weird to be out in the day with Val, I had only ever seen her at night with at least a few drinks downed.  


She doesn’t have a job, but she sells drugs to users at the Basement, which is the only reason she goes there. She basically makes her living off selling those drugs, though she doesn’t make much.  


I take her to the diner I usually go to after school because she’s never been there. It’s not five star, but we don’t exactly have money to spare.  


I order a burger and a milkshake. Val doesn’t order anything.  


“You should really eat something,” I say when the waiter leaves.  


She holds up her water bottle. “I’m good. You shouldn’t worry about me. If anything, I should be worried about you and ask you why you aren’t in school right now.”  


“So why don’t you ask me?”  


She shrugs and takes a sip of her water.  


“So, you read a lot? I noticed a stack of books in your bedroom, not that I was snooping or anything. I was just curious. I’m gonna shut up now.”  


Val laughs and nods. “I love reading; it’s all I ever do on my free time.”  


“Really? What’s your favorite book?” The waiter drops off my food and I murmur a quiet thank you.  


Val’s eyebrows furrow as she thinks for a moment. “ _Little Women. To Kill A Mockingbird. The Odyssey._ I don’t really have a favorite.”  


“How about favorite character?”  


“Definitely Charlie from _Perks of Being A Wallflower_ ,” she said as if she thought over the question a million times.  


“Why?”  


“I don’t know; I understand him. I get where he’s coming from.”  


I nod. “I saw a copy of the book next to your bed.”  


“Oh, yeah, while you were snooping around my room,” Val jokes.  


Before I have a chance to defend myself, I get a call from Ella.  


“Hello?” Val looks at me with peaked interest; she’s never met any of my friends.  


“Maev, where are you?” Ella’s voice comes clearly through the phone.  


“I didn’t come to school today.”  


“Yeah, obviously. Did something happen?”  


“No, but I’m kind of busy right now. I’ll call you later tonight. Or maybe we can meet or something.”  


“Okay. Listen, about the whole Sam thing: I’m still thinking about going with him. I’m sorry if that makes you upset or whatever, but I really think you should give him a chance.” She says goodbye and hangs up. I wish I could convinced her not to go with him. Anything to keep her away from him, even if that damages our friendship; I just don’t want her to get hurt.  


“Are you okay?” Val plucks a french fry from my plate and swirls it in the paper cup of ketchup before sticking it in her mouth.  


“Ella’s still going to homecoming with that jackass.” I take a sip of my milkshake and push my plate away. I’m not hungry anymore.  


“Don’t worry about her. She’ll be fine.”  


“How can you say that? Do you even know what kind of guy Varsity is? She’ll be torn for weeks.” There’s a quiet deadliness to my voice.  


After a couple seconds of silence, she pushes my plate back to me. “I’ve met him—Sage’s little brother. She’ll be fine. And even if she won’t be, you’re going to starve yourself? That’s not gonna help Ella or yourself.”  


“Says the anorexic!” I scream and storm out of the diner with all eyes on me. My footsteps pound against the hot concrete and I round the corner of the block before Val catches up to me.  


“Hey.” She grabs my arm and whirls me around to face her. She drags me into an alley, out of the public’s eye.  


“What is your problem?!” I’m taken back. It’s the first time Val’s screamed at me like that. Tears are streaming down my face.  


“There’s something else,” she realizes. “This isn’t about homecoming. It’s about you.” I don’t follow at first.  


“You’re lonely. Ella, your only close friend, is running off with some guy and you’re left here.” I start to shake my head, but she stops me.  


“I know, that guy’s up to no good, but you can’t do anything about that. And you think you have me, but we don’t really even know each other. You don’t like me; you like kissing me because it makes you feel a little less lonely. Because you’ve hated yourself for seventeen years and you’ve been alone for seventeen years. And everyone in your grade is finally happy, but you’re not. So you turn to me.” I realize where she’s going. Those scars and drugs are to her what she is to me: an escape.  


“I’m your drug.”  


She lets me hug her. I don’t know how long we stand there; it feels like a lifetime. Now more than ever, her lemon-scented hair fills me with joy. Somewhere deep inside of me I knew this was what’s really been going on with Val and me, but I never wanted to admit to myself that I was just using Val.  


“I’m sorry for calling you anorexic like that. I guess I wanted to hurt someone other than myself.”  


I watch her lightly touch her wrist subconsciously. “It’s fine. It’s not like you were lying.”  


“I think we should stop seeing each other. Maybe just until I can get a grip.” My voice cracks. Val doesn’t say anything for a long time.  


“It’s okay if you need to see me sometimes. I know what it’s like to be addicted to something. I mean, I’ve never been able to quit my drug.” I let go of Val and begin to walk out the alley.  


“Wait, I just wanted to tell you that I liked you too. You weren’t using me in any way,” she reassures me, “and I hope, once you get all sorted out, we can meet again.”  


It feels like an eternity passes by in the few seconds that I turn my back to Val. I notice her hair is in that same bun, I’ve never seen her hair down. She seems stressed, maybe it’s the dark circles under her eyes or the way her eyebrows are slightly furrowed with sadness. Her lips are slightly downturned; it hurts to see her like this. It reminds me of the story she told me where her sadness turned her to drugs. I give her a thin lipped smile and walk away.  


It’s crazy how attached you can become to someone within a couple days.

\--

I’m sitting on my bed in my room. I’m not doing anything but sitting. I feel the emptiness creeping in again; I felt it the moment I left Val. I got a verbal beating from my parents earlier. I guess they’ve been waiting for me to return home ever since the morning. I didn’t answer their calls and didn’t come home, blinded by my need for Val. I’m grounded now, on house arrest for two weeks. I’m only allowed to school and work.  


Was it worth it? I don’t know. Right now it feels like it wasn’t worth it. I stayed the night with Val just to leave her and get grounded by my parents. It’s a drug overdose, I realize. Maybe next time I won’t survive.  


I wonder what Val is doing right now. She could be at the Basement without me. She could be snorting a line of coke right now. She could be sad because I’m not seeing her anymore. That’s highly unlikely.  


It’s only nine pm and I don’t know what to do. What if I wasn’t greedy last night? What if I had just dropped Val off and went back home? I wouldn’t have been grounded. I might even be with Val right now, forgetting about all my problems.  


No, Val’s smart. Even if I had gone home, she would’ve eventually figured it out. It was in plain sight; I was grabbing at her body, not listening to her mind.  
I turn off the lights. Maybe some sleep will take my mind off things. I lay my head on the pillow. I frown because it doesn’t smell like lemons. My breathing becomes heavier. What if I can’t live without Val—or not Val, but somebody to touch. I find my hands grabbing at my pillow, holding it close to me, but the pillow is cold.

\--

Ella comes early the next morning. When I open the door, she looks me up and down, like I’m a completely different person.  


“What?” I think it’s because of our fight. This is the first time we’re seeing each other since then. She’s probably trying to calculate whether to tell me off right now in my pajamas.  


“Nothing.” She brushes past me and sits on the couch, scrolling through her phone and trying to ignore me. I tell myself we need some time to warm up to each other and start to get ready for school.  


It’s not until we’ve left the house when Ella tells me what’s been on her mind.  


“Who’s that girl you’ve been hanging out with?” she asks out of the blue.  


My breath catches when I realize who Ella’s talking about. “What? You saw me hanging out with someone?”  


“No, but look.” She hands her phone to me and I scroll through photos of Val and me at the Basement from Monday night. In the photos, I’m kissing Val, but only my face is clear since I was facing the camera. Our bodies are glued together and my fists are pulling her shirt up a little. Seeing the photos brings Val into my mind again and I curse myself. I need to stop thinking about her.  


“They’re up online. I’m sure the whole school has seen it by now.” She takes her phone back from my hands.  


“That’s Val,” I say slowly. There’s no way these photos are up online. I stop walking and bend over with my hands on my knees. I feel sick; my breaths become short and shallow and I can’t think about anything other than those photos. I can’t go to school today. I can’t go to school ever.  


“Hey, Maev, it’s okay. There are a ton of photos much worse. Look, this girl took her top off in this photo.” She shows me the photo of the nude girl, but it doesn’t help.  


After a minute of hyperventilating, I gather myself up and we continue walking to school.  


“Were you scared that I found out you’re gay?” Ella asks.  


I shake my head. “No, I’m afraid of the other people at school. You already know they treat me like shit. Who knows what they’ll do if they find out.”  


“I’ll look out for you. I always will.” Ella squeezes my arm and gives me a nice, warm smile. It makes me feel like I can face what’s to come at school.  


“So why didn’t you ever tell me about Val?”  


“I met her last Friday. I didn’t even know her that well. Anyway, I don’t think I’ll ever see her again.”  


“One time fling?”  


“Something like that, I guess.”  


“Where were you guys, by the way? It looked like some kind of party?”  


“Oh yeah. It’s this place called the Basement. Sam’s older brother owns it, but you shouldn’t ever go there. It’s not exactly safe.”  


“And yet you go there?” Her tone isn’t accusing me; it’s more curious.  


“I’m careless with my life,” I say seriously.  


“Maev…” she starts, but I cut her off.  


“I’m joking,” I give a quick smile and stiffly laugh, but Ella doesn’t join in.  


“Did you take your meds this morning?” she asks and I stop laughing. I hate when people worry about me.  


“Yeah, of course. You know I was just kidding, Ella.”  


“Don’t joke about those things, Maev.” I understand where she’s coming from. Her dad killed himself and now she’s sensitive to things, afraid someone else in her life will take their own life.  


I’m not gonna lie, I’ve thought about ending it all. Hell, I still think about ending my life every once in awhile. But I never do it and I don’t know why.


	4. Dragging Me Down

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [TW- Graphic Violence. Alcohol. Language.]

My conversation with Ella wasn't the worst outcome of the incident. When I arrived at school, I felt everyone's eyes on me. I could hear whispers of me as I walked passed my classmates and even some freshmen I didn't even know. Nobody says anything to me, not that they ever do anyway.  


Ella quickly leads me to the back of the building and out the door, into our usual lunch spot.  


I take a seat and she gives me a few minutes to settle down. Maybe this is it. On top of losing Val, being grounded, and having a serious problem with loneliness, this is the last straw.  


I need to see Val. I need to forget. "I need to go home," I say and begin walking toward the school gates. Ella grabs my arm and sits me down again.  


"You're not ditching a second time. Just calm down and forget about it; it'll turn out fine." Forget. That's what I've been trying to do.  


Throughout the entire day, I heard whispers behind my back and people were trying not to make their staring too obvious. It didn't matter if they hid or not, I felt the same either way. I tripped at least three times today because everyone's eyes were making me nervous.  


During lunch, I hide in an empty bathroom. I couldn't stand to be around anyone at the moment, not even Ella. I didn't cry or puke or listen to music; I just sat there listening to the roar of the students through the restroom door.  


\--  


I get home at two o'clock, the earliest I've ever come home after school. There's nothing to do now that I can't meet Val or go anywhere for that matter.  


I sit on my bed until I can't take the silence anymore and turn on my speakers. Some rock song begins blasting out loud and I turn it up until I can't hear my thoughts anymore. I wonder what’s Val’s favorite song. I guess that it's something indie / alternative or classical, but I’ll probably never know.  


Each day feels so dull without Val and Ella has been hanging out with Varsity more and more each day. _It’s my fault; it’s always my fault. I’m not with Val or Ella because I screwed everything up, like I always do._  


I leave the house and head to the diner to find Oz. My parents won't ever know I left the house. I don't trust myself alone right now.  


Oz is on his phone when I enter the diner. When I take a seat across from him, he shuts off his phone and focuses on his fries, trying not to stare at me through the corner of his eyes.  


“You might get a better view if you openly stare at me.” My voice is stone cold; I’m sick of being on everyone’s mind today.  


“There’s also a high chance I’ll get a punch in the face,” Oz says in a low tone.  


I don’t reply so he says, “It’s alright. I really don’t care what you do in your spare time.”  


“You mean you’re not a homophobic asshole.”  


“I’m talking about the Basement. I go there every once in awhile. Sage can throw a pretty nice party.”  


“You go?” I say disbelievingly. “I’ve never met anyone in high school who goes to the Basement, except Sam obviously.”  


“Yeah, I do. Although, I’d never guess you of all people would be there. You don’t seem like you’d have much fun there.”  


“You also thought I was straight so I guess you’re wrong about a lot of the things you’ve assumed about me.”  


Oz laughs a little and tells me, “The photos have been taken down. You’re welcome.”  


I puff out a small breath and smile at him. “Thank you. Do you know who put the pictures up?”  


“I’m pretty sure it’s Sam.” I should’ve known it was Varsity.  


"Of course. He's been fucking with me; he hates me.”  


“How so?” he asks. He doesn’t sound like he’s accusing me of hating Varsity, but he’s not exactly welcoming my theory either.  


“He harrasses me almost everyday. Every time he sees me he has to mess with me—call me names or insults.”  


“Has he ever touched you?”  


“No, thank god.” I notice Oz breaths out a sigh of relief. It’s nice to know someone cares for me.  


I grab fries from his basket and shove them into my mouth.  


“So what’s up with you? Any horrid scandal going on in your life?”  


Oz laughs under his breath and shakes his head. “Not as horrid as yours. I’d say life is pretty good for me right now.”  


I scoff and say, “That won’t last.” Oz nods in agreement. We don’t talk much; I don’t know a single thing about Oz, but things aren’t awkward. It feels nice to be around someone without feeling the obligation to speak.  


\--  


I come into work early to make up for the lost time from before. Kane is supposed to already be here, but I can’t find him any where. So I hang in the kitchen with Baker. He’s running back and forth in the kitchen, trying to complete all the orders as fast as possible. It’s busy today, which means I actually have to work.  


“You looked stressed. Is it that Varsity guy?” Baker asks as he carefully slides a sandwich perfectly onto a white plate.  


“How’d you guess. He took photos of me making out with a girl at a party and posted it online. The entire world practically saw it. I’m so embarrassed.” I put my head in my hands and let out a deep sigh.  


“Embarrassed? You got it on with someone! If I were you I’d be proud—you know—puffing my chest and what not.” A waiter on shift takes the plate to the customer in the other room.  


“I’m sorry I don’t have the male ego.” Baker scoffs in response and focuses on the next order.  


The cafe is busy for a weekday. I’m constantly on my feet, running orders and dishes in and out of the kitchen. By the time I close up, I’m exhausted; my feet and legs are sore and I can barely think.  


I pack up my stuff alone in the worker’s lounge. Baker’s shift ended hours ago and the other employees left as soon as we cleaned the tables and the floor. I leave out the back door because my car is parked in the special employee parking spaces, which are just behind the building. At times like this, I really wish the special employee parking spaces weren’t located in the exact place where a murder would occur. I shake my head and try to rid the thoughts from my mind. I’m only gonna psych myself out by thinking about these things.  


I fumble to lock the cafe door and head down the short stairs to my car. Then I spot Varsity.  


“Not again,” I mumble to myself and begin walking toward my car, completely ignoring him.  


“Hey Mack! Is that you? What a coincidence meeting you here at this time!” Varsity’s words slur; he’s drunk.  


I speed up my pace to reach my car faster, but it’s seems so far away. I hate the special employee parking spaces.  


“Hey, where are you going? Let’s talk.” Varsity runs up to me and stops me in my tracks.  


“Leave me alone,” I say and walk around him.  


“I heard you’re going lesbo now.” He smirks at me and chuckles a little. I ignore him and continue walking—no, lightly jogging—toward my car.  


“I was talking to you.” He raises his voice a bit when he grabs my backpack and pulls me back. My breath hitches in my throat and I take a couple steps back to keep from falling. My heart is racing and my palms are getting sweaty.  


He grabs my arm and says, “Who knew you would experiment with an addict?”  


“Let go of me,” I say in the most threatening tone I can manage. I try to rip my arm from him, but his grasp is firm.  


“I mean, really? Her of all people? Might as well have hired a hooker to do the job.”  


My blood runs cold. “What did you say?”  


“I said she's a whore, a bitch, a slut!” His voice grows louder with each word. My fist immediately connects with his nose and he finally lets go of me, grabbing at the blood dripping from his nose.  


“Stay away from me!” I scream and start running down the lot. I’m just a few seconds away from my car, but before I can get far I’m tackled to the ground. I’m screaming. There’s no one around.  


Varsity climbs on top of me and turns me to face him. “Fucking bitch!”  


He punches me right on my eye and I almost black out. _I can’t breath_. All the blood rushes to my head. I hold my hands up to my face to shield myself, but there’s no use. He grabs both my hands in his and holds them down. I’m screaming; he’s screaming.  


Another blow comes down, this time landing on my jaw. I hear something crack: my jaw or his knuckles, I don’t know. I wiggle my hands free. I grab at his face, but miss. He tucks my arms under his legs; I can’t budge under his weight. I can’t do anything. All I can do is scream and scream and scream. His hands wrap around my throat. His face is so close to mine I can smell his alcoholic breath. My screams are muffled to quiet squeaks when his thick thumb presses against my windpipe. I see black spots in the corners of my vision. _I can’t breath_. My legs flounder and kick, but there’s no use. The last thing I see is Varsity’s red face twisted in rage with drool seeping through his clenched teeth.  


\--  


When I wake up, it's still dark out. I cough and grab at my throat, gruesomely remembering Varsity's fist around my neck. For a moment, he's still on top of me. I squeeze my eyes shut, but he's still there. I scream out and punch the air. When I open my eyes, Varsity's gone. I'm alone.  


My chest heaves up and down as I try to compose myself. I grab my phone from my backpack; it's four in the morning. My face feels bruised; when I reach up to touch my eye, it begins throbbing.  


I need to get away from here. I need to go home. No, I need to see Val. She'll make me forget, just like before. _Forget. Forget. Forget!_  


When I get there, I repeatedly bang on her door. It's not for another five minutes until she opens the door. She looks like she just woke up: her hair is disheveled, hanging down to her shoulder blades. It's the first time I've seen her with her hair down.  


Before she gets a clear view at my black and blue face, I kiss her on the lips. I feel uncomfortable; my lips burn and I can't quite control my jaw, but I push through it. I squeeze my eyes shut, which results in a stinging pain and I let out a small gasp.  


“No, Maev, you need to go.” Val pushes me back and finally gets a good look at my face.  


“Oh god, what happened?” She brings me into the apartment and I take a seat on the couch.  


“I want to forget. I _need_ to forget. Forget. Forget. Forget.” I'm shaking all over and I stare at the ground right in front of me. There's dirt in the carpet. Why is her floor so dirty?  


Val brings me a bag full of ice and I flinch when she reaches forward to place it against my eye. It burns but I don't make a sound.  


Before she has time to ask any questions, I tear away from her and stalk into the bathroom. I pace back and forth and Val stands at the doorway, watching me. _Forget! Forget! Forget!_ I repeat those words to myself over and over again.  


“Maev, what the fuck happened?” I stop pacing; I'm frozen, remembering the attack.  


“I...it was Varsity—Sam, you know, Sage's little brother. He hit me. I was working and I was the last to leave. He was drunk and he grabbed me,” I turn toward her. “He called you a whore.” The look on Val's face tells me she knows what I'm talking about; she's seen the pictures from this morning.  


“It's okay. I don't care.” She tries to calm me down.  


“It's not okay, Val. You can't let people walk all over you! They'll hurt you. They'll hate you when you try to help them. They'll choke you in the middle of the night. They don't care about you. Nobody cares!” Tears are streaming down my face. I can't stop crying; it's too much. Everything hurts so much.  


“Nobody cares,” I whisper to myself.  


Val doesn't say anything. She helps me settle down and wash my face. She leads me to her bed and let's me lay there.  


I lay on Val's bed with her arms wrapped around me. I tear away from her, but don’t leave the bed. Suddenly, her touch makes me uncomfortable. I can smell her lemon scented hair from where I lay. Being with Val is everything I’ve ever wanted, but why can’t I touch her?  


\--  


I didn't stay at Val's house. As soon as I realized being with her was just as lonely as being alone, I left.  


My parents got mad at me in the morning, but I convinced them I got held up at the cafe; told them there was some sort of robbery, hence the bruised face. I think they only believed me because they wanted to, not because they actually did. They want to keep believing I’m a nice and friendly girl who gets the best grades instead of what I actually am: a depressed, shy girl who can’t concentrate on a single thing for more than a minute.  


Ella knocks on the door right after I settle things with my parents. I let her in and she notices my parents right away.  


“Good morning Mr. And Mrs. Clary,” Ella cheerfully says and shakes their hands. I wish I could leave an impression on adults like that, but every time I'm around them my hands get clammy and I stutter.  


“Mom, Dad, this is Ella,” I introduce them and they greet Ella with a nice smile.  


“Well, we gotta go to work. It was nice meeting you Ella,” my dad says and exits the apartment with my mom.  


“They seem nice.” Ella grabs a bottle of water from the fridge and plops on the couch.  


“They’re alright. Come on, we’re gonna be late.”  


When we’re on the street, heading toward the school, Ella asks, “So are you going to tell me what happened to your face or should I just start guessing? Some bandits broke into your home late at night and tried to take all your money?” She laughs at her own scenario.  


_It was Varsity. He did this to me._ Varsity’s face flashes through my mind; his crinkled nose and bared teeth makes me catch my breath. “I just got jumped by a drunk guy. It’s nothing to worry about,” I try to blow it off, but Ella keeps it up.  


“Maev, have you seen your face? It’s a mess. Of course there’s something to worry about. Do you recognize the guy who did it? Does he go to our school? Or is he older?”  


“Can we just not talk about this? I don’t feel good.”  


I spot Varsity in first period and almost vomit right when I see his face. The thought of last night keeps flashing before my eyes, as if it's not over. He tries to hide his nose, which is swollen and purple. I can’t believe I did that to him; I have the power to hurt someone like Varsity. I heard people talking about how he got into a fist fight at the Basement and how ‘they should’ve seen the other guy’. I almost smirk because Varsity has to make up some lame story to keep his reputation. I mean, I admit, my face is a lot worse than his, but at least I’m not making up any stories that paint me as a hero.  


I get weird stares throughout the day and I quickly become annoyed at the people talking behind my back. A couple days ago, they wouldn’t give me a second glance and now I’m in the center of attention.  


Oz is the only one who actually asks me what happened. I tell him what I told Ella. Technically, I’m not lying about anything, I’m just not telling the entire story. I don’t know why I don’t tell anyone. It’s not because of the fear of Varsity coming after me again. Maybe it’s because I know people won’t believe me, exactly like how Ella didn’t believe me when I told her Varsity was trouble.  


Maybe it was wrong of me not to tell Ella what actually happened. If I tell her now, she can get as far away from him as possible. I _need_ to tell her, even if she doesn't believe me.  


I wait at the school library for Ella to get out of class. When the bell rings, we meet at the front of the school. We walk to her house because I don't want to go home.  


“Ella, there's something that happened last night that I didn't tell you. I was scared you wouldn't believe me because we've already gone through this,” I say cautiously, watching Ella's reaction as I speak each word.  


“Okay, what is it?” I can't read her expression.  


“It's about Sam. He's the one who attacked me last night.” She doesn't react, just stares straight in front of her as we walk.  


“I saw his nose was pretty messed up, too. You must've done a number on him.” She chuckles a little. “I had no idea how strong you were.”  


“You believe me? You're not going to defend him?” It's unbelievable. Last week she wouldn't even listen to what I had to say about Varsity and now she whole-heartedly trusts me.  


“Of course, he hurt you. There's no way he's getting away with that.” Ella offers me a warm smile and it actually makes me feel better, as if I have my friend back.  


It's just like old times again; Ella and I would freely say whatever we wanted without the forced smile or the tension.  


“I'm glad you told me.” I'm glad you trust me.  


\--  


Friday is the best day of the week. For the most part, people forgot—or just didn't talk—about all the pictures online. Everything seemed to go back to normal: I was left alone with Ella and everyone prized the captain of our Varsity baseball team. Most people ignored me, but the entire baseball team made snarky comments about Val and me whenever they passed me in the hall.  


It wouldn't have pissed me off as much as it did, but they dragged Val into it, so, naturally, I was angry.  


I went to the Basement at night, told my parents I had to work. Val wasn't there, but I wasn't looking for her. I'm afraid to see her again after rushing out of her house the other night. What if she can't make me forget anymore? _Why_ can't she make me forget anymore?  


I don't watch Sage in his room. I sit outside with a bottle of water and watch the small crowd of people dancing to the blasting music. The last time I was here, Val was dancing in that group and I didn't feel like I wanted to die.  


I spot Oz in the crowd of people; I'm surprised to see him even though I know he comes here. I catch his eye and he comes over to sit with me. He's sweating from dancing and I can smell alcohol in his sweat. I gag at the smell.  


"Where's your girl?" Oz sprays some beer from the keg into his cup.  


"We broke up. I mean, we were never together in the first place."  


"Damn, tough luck." He hands me his cup, half full with beer.  


I start to reject it but he insists, so I take a small sip. I immediately spit it out and start gagging and grabbing my throat. I've had beer before and it's always tasted bad, but this time is different. I feel nauseous and sick, I couldn't even stand the taste in my mouth.  


I rush to the bathroom and almost throw up in the toilet. Flashes of Varsity laying on top of me enter my mind. I can hear my screams being silenced in my head. _It's over; I'm okay_. I tell myself, but it doesn't feel that way. It’s never over; the moment continues to replay in my head every second of every day. I feel like I’ll never get over it.  


“Shit, are you okay?” Oz asks behind me as I gag into the toilet. I turn on the faucet and drink large gulps of water to wash out the alcohol. After a couple minutes, I lean against the sink, gasping for air.  


“I’m sorry. I’m really fucked up right now.”  


“No kidding. You want me to take you home?” Oz asks. I shake my head. I’m not ready to leave, yet.  


I leave Oz and walk around the house, watching other people. At first, I’m not sure what I’m searching for, but a girl catches my eye and I realize why I came here in the first place.  


I take a deep breath and approach the girl in the corner. She’s wearing ripped, black jeans and a black graphic shirt under a red flannel. I don’t know why I felt inclined to approach her, she isn’t strikingly beautiful or unique in any way, but I continue to step toward her. She’s pumping beer out of the keg and into her plastic cup.  


I walk right up to her and say hello, something I wouldn’t normally do. My palms are sweating just from introducing myself.  


“Hi...I'm sorry do I know you?” she asks. Her voice is rough; it reminds me of Val.  


“Oh, no. I was just wondering if you were here with anyone?” I give a soft and hopefully-not-desperate looking smile.  


No, what am I doing? I can’t get with someone new, no matter how lonely I feel. There’s no difference between this girl and Val; it’s all the same to me. Why does this matter? What the hell would I accomplish by sleeping with her?  


Before she has any time to respond, I run out the house. _I can’t stay here. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t._ I sit in my car. My heart is beating faster than it does when I’m with Val—no, it’s not beating at all. I can’t feel anything. I check the time; my supposed shift doesn’t end until ten o’clock. I have an hour.  


I find myself at the park, sitting on the same platform I had when I met with Ella just last week. It feels like a lifetime ago; so much has happened since then. I’m leaning against the railing, my legs stretched out in front of me. I can’t stop thinking about Varsity and his large, rough hands wrapped around my throat.  


My breathing becomes heavier and I grab at my shirt, trying to feel my beating heart.  


“Stop, stop, stop it,” I repeat over and over again until I can’t hear myself talking. I’m shaking all over. A guy screams from somewhere in the distance and I flinch. It’s Varsity, I have to run. Before I can get up, he’s on top of me and I’m screaming and he’s screaming. And his hands are wrapped around my throat again.  


I struggle to move, but eventually break free. I scramble off the platform and fall face first into the sand. There are tears streaming down my face and my vision is blurred. When I look back at the platform, he’s gone.  


I lay in the sand sobbing. It wasn’t real; I’m hallucinating. I can’t think. Everywhere I look I see Varsity, then I don’t. What’s wrong with me?


	5. I Swear I'll Stay With You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [TW- Drugs. Violence. Language.]

Dr. Alexander’s walls are white. There’s only one painting hung on his wall; it’s of a small sailboat floating in the middle of a vast, pale-blue ocean. In the background, there’s a long, pastel-pink mountain. The sailboat seems lost and insignificant in the water, kind of like how I feel right now.  


“Maev, can you tell me about the robbery from Thursday night?” Alex asks, his voice is deep and rough, which contrasts to his appearance. He’s a small, skinny man; I’m almost as tall as him. He wears a suit and tie every time I see him.  


“The what?” I continue staring at the painting.  


“The robbery. Your mother told me about the burglar at the cafe from which you work. Tell me what happened that night.”  


There was no burglar, I just told my parents that so I wouldn’t get in trouble for staying out. “Oh yeah, there was a robbery and things got out of hand, but Baker was there to help. We called the police and got it all sorted out. It wasn’t that big of a deal.”  


“Did the burglar hit you?”  


“Yeah, then I blacked out and Baker helped me when everything was over. So I don’t really know what happened. Honestly, I’d rather not talk about it.”  


“That’s okay. I know these things can be very traumatic. We don’t have to go into detail if you don’t want to…” Alex goes on and I lose focus.  


Why did I feel afraid to touch Val the other night? Was I afraid that she was going to hurt me? Why would I be afraid of Val hurting me? I know she would never hurt me like that, but I also never thought Varsity would attack me the way he did. No, Val’s different, she cares about me. Varsity’s always hated me, I should’ve known he would hunt me down. It’s not Val who’s changed, it’s me.  


——  


I wait outside of Val’s apartment after my session with Alex. There’s an eviction notice taped onto the front door. I grab the paper and stick it in my pocket. I don’t know when she’ll be back, but I need to see her. I sit on the floor against her door with a book on my lap, but I don’t read. I fall asleep and the sun begins to set when she comes back. She shakes me awake and I flinch when I realize her hand is on my shoulder. She pulls back as I stare at her, wide-eyed.  


“Why are you here? How long have you been here?”  


I rub my eyes and check the time. “About six hours.”  


“God, Maev.” She lets me in. “What are you doing here? Did that guy hit you again? Do you need a bag of ice or something?” She reaches to feel my bruised jaw, but I step away.  


“No, I had to ask you something.”  


“What is it?” Her words are harsh, but she doesn’t seem mad at me. Her tone is soft, like she’s worried about me, especially after seeing me Thursday night.  


“Can I have your phone number?” I give her a hopeful smile and she looks at me like I’m crazy. Maybe I am.  


“You waited six hours outside my door for my phone number?” she asks, disbelievingly.  


“I waited six hours outside your door because I want to get to know you. I really like you, Val. I know what this thing between us started out as and I don’t want that. I want to talk to you and to know who you are. I want to know the things about you that nobody else knows, the things that you lock deep in your heart. And I want you to know me as well. I want to tell you everything that I love about you because I love just being _around_ you.”  


Val doesn’t say anything, but she’s smiling, so I smile as well.  


“I want to know you, too. But, I don’t have a phone.” I shrug and she reaches forward to pull me into a hug. I feel uncomfortable and my muscles tense under her arms, but I don’t say anything. Val lets go of me when I don’t hug her back.  


“Are you okay?” she asks me cautiously.  


“Yeah, I just haven’t been very touchy-feely after the whole Varsity thing.”  


She nods, completely understanding me. “Oh, yeah. No problem, I’ll give you as much space as you need.” I knew I wasn’t wrong about her; she would never hurt me.  


I grab a water bottle from her fridge and notice it isn’t cold. “Is the electricity down?” I take a gulp of water.  


“No—well yes—I’m just having some money issues, but I’m making a huge deal tonight, so it’ll be back within a couple days.”  


“Oh, I found this earlier.” I hand her the eviction notice and she quickly takes it from my hand. I can tell she’s embarrassed, but I don’t say anything.  


“You should be careful when selling. I don’t want anything to happen to you.”  


“Don’t worry about me. I’ve been doing this for a while now. I’ll be alright.”  


“If you want, I can lend you some money. I’ve been saving up a lot from my work at the cafe. Or maybe I can get you a job there.”  


“Definitely not. I’m perfectly fine taking care of myself. Things have just been slow lately, but it’ll pick up. Trust me, I can’t take your money.” I nod and take a seat on her couch. She sits next to me, but I scoot to the end of the couch, clearly avoiding touching her.  


We sit in silence for a while and, for the first time, I feel awkward around her. “I’m really sorry. I know I did this on Thursday night, as well. It’s just ever since Varsity did that, I’ve been feeling uncomfortable with touching. I know you won’t hurt me, but it’s something else that bothers me. I just don’t know what.”  


“Maev, you don’t have to explain—”  


“No, I want you to know. I don’t want you to think that I don’t want you to touch me, even if it’s true. Anyway, I can’t stay. My parents will be home soon and I’m not supposed to leave the house.” I laugh a little and Val stands up to let me out.  


When we reach the door, we stand there. I guess she’s waiting for me to say something. I can tell she’s fighting the urge to hug me or kiss me or touch me. I suddenly feel guilty.  


“Val, if you need someone who you can touch, that’s fine with me. I just can’t be that person right now.”  


“No, don’t be ridiculous, Maev. I’m here for you.”  


——  


After my two weeks of house arrest, everyone had forgotten all about me and Val, preoccupied with yet another rumor. My parents don’t exactly feel safe with me roaming around the streets again, but they can’t stop me—they couldn’t stop me even when I was grounded. I don’t blame them for worrying about me; I worry, too. What if I run into Varsity late at night again? What’ll I do then?  


I don’t see Varsity much anymore; I try to avoid him every chance I get and I don’t hallucinate anymore. I don’t use the special employee parking spaces either, instead I use the customer spaces, which are much more crowded.  


Once, when I thought I had completely recovered, I parked in the special employee parking spaces and I saw Varsity. The delusion played out exactly the way it happened that night. Varsity spoke venom about Val, I sucker punched him, and he jumped on top of me. Even though he wasn’t actually there, the punches still felt real. A woman shook me out of my mind and Varsity dissipated in front of my eyes. One moment he was choking me, the next he wasn’t. One moment my eye was throbbing, the next it wasn’t.  


My face had fully recovered in those two weeks. My eye returned to normal size and the bruises left my throat. All that’s left of the incident are the memories and the fact that I still can’t touch Val or anyone else.  


I sit with Ella at lunch. The sky is cloudy and murky and the air feels nice against my cold, pale cheeks. I’m not eating anything. Lately, I haven’t had an appetite for anything.  


“Do you think I should ask Val to homecoming?” I smile at the thought of Val in a dress at a high school dance and I wonder if she ever went to dances when she was in high school.  


“Isn’t homecoming in three days?”  


“Yeah, that doesn’t mean we can’t go together.”  


“I guess, if you want, but I doubt Val would want to go _back_ to high school.” She laughs nervously, maybe because she’s afraid of my reaction.  


I don’t reply and I notice Ella gets jittery. “Maev, about homecoming. There’s something I’ve been meaning to tell you for a while now.”  


“What is it?”  


She hesitates before saying, “I’m still going with Sam.”  


I get wide-eyed and begin to speak, but she cuts me off. “Listen to me, I know what he did to you was wrong and stupid, but he’s truly sorry. He told me he was drunk that night and out of his mind; he didn’t mean to hurt you. Maev, you have to believe that he’s sorry. The alcohol was making him do crazy things, I know he means it.”  


I’m speechless as I shake my head. How could she get back together with him after what he did to me? What could he have possibly said to convince her that he didn’t mean to choke me? My mind is rushing; I can’t think, I can’t _stop_ thinking.  


“Ella, do you even know what he did to me? I can’t believe you did this. He fucking choked me until I was unconscious! How did he not mean to do that?”  


“I know, I know and I told you he didn’t mean to do those things. It was just the spur of the moment and you just happened to be there.”  


I can’t listen to her right now. I get up and run to the bathroom. I hide in one of the stalls, but Ella doesn’t try to find me. Maybe she knew there was no point in trying to talk to me right now; I wouldn’t have listened to her.  


I think about calling Val, but I wouldn't know what to say. On top of physical contact, it’s been harder to talk to people. I feel like my relationship with Val—or anybody for that matter—isn’t much of a relationship. I’ve been slowly disconnecting with people and spending even more time by myself. The long, deep conversations I have are the ones I have in my own mind.  


——  


I notice Val’s house is smokey when I enter. She’s in her bedroom lighting a pipe and inhaling deeply to catch all the smoke. I’m not going to lie, I don’t like it when she smokes. I know it’s killing her inside and it’s not exactly safe, but I also know it’s extremely hard to quit. I try to urge her to stop, but the conversation always ends with one of us yelling. It’s definitely not something I want to bring up right now.  


Val doesn’t even notice me enter the room; she’s sitting on her bed, smiling at herself in the mirror. I wonder what it must feel like to be so stuffed with drugs it’s impossible to think. I come to the conclusion that it feels amazing to not think; I don’t want to think.  


I grab the pipe and lighter from Val’s hands. I can steal some smoke right now. I can stop thinking right now. I’ll feel just as good as Val does right now.  


I ignite the lighter and bring it to the bottom of the pipe. Smoke begins rising from the herbs inside and I almost put my lips to the glass when I feel soft hands grab my arm. The lighter flicks off and I almost drop the pipe when I pull my arm away.  


“Don’t.” Val’s voice croaks in the silence. Her eyes are dilated and she seems as if she’s looking right through me. I hand her back the pipe and the lighter. I don’t know what I was thinking; I just wanted to forget, even if for just a second.  


I sit next to her on the bed and she sets the pipe down. “Why not?”  


She laughs a little, but I don’t find anything funny about it. “It’ll kill you.”  


“I’m already dead.”  


She doesn’t reply. I look at her. I reach out and hold her hand. It’s the only part of my body that I’m willing to let anybody touch. I wish I could hug her. Slowly, I move closer to her, trying to hug her; my head is inches from her neck, my arms inches from her back, and my chest inches from hers. I freeze in my place, I can’t go any further. Val notices what I’m doing and she gives a soft, welcoming smile, but I still can’t move.  


“Don’t move.” I almost laugh at her words. As I hover over her, she cautiously places her hand over my heart. “You’re alive,” she casually says as if she was checking if my heart was beating. I suddenly jump away from her.  


“It’s alright. Come, lay down.” I climb back onto the bed. This is how it’s been for the past week. I try to get closer to Val, but jump away before much can happen. I feel like I’ll never get better, like I’ll always be longing to touch someone, but never actually will.  


I start to cry, though I don’t want to. I don’t want to constantly feel lonely. Val watches me, but I don’t feel uncomfortable the way I do when people look at me; it actually makes me feel stronger. I know this is Val’s way of letting me know everything's okay without saying anything or touching me. She gives me a look, like she admires me for not giving up, but I don't want her to see me like this. I imagine myself throwing the pillow I’m holding across the room. Or maybe something more breakable, like Val's glass pipe. I know this behavior is destructive, but I can’t stop. I use my thoughts to rid myself of all this pent up anger, but it never helps, so I cry instead.  


I’m mad at myself for always crying in front of Val. I don’t want her to think I’m always sad, even though that’s true.  


She gives me time to gather myself up and says, “Did you take your meds this morning?”  


“Yeah, but sometimes it doesn’t help.”  


“I wish I could help.”  


“You can, you _are_. I’m already feeling better, just because you’re here.” She knows I’m only saying that to make her feel better, but she smiles as if she believes me.  


“Ella got back together with Varsity. They’re going to homecoming together, can you believe that?”  


“There’s only so much you can do to help someone.”  


“But she’s still with him and she knows he _attacked_ me. Who does that?”  


“Well, you’re still with me even though nothing I do in my life is any good for you.”  


“That’s different.”  


“How?”  


“Because…”  


Val huffs out a breath and smiles.  


“You should quit all this.” I motion to the pipe to change the subject.  


“Oh, yes, let me just throw away practically everything I own as well as my ‘job’ and basically rebuild my entire life… It’s not that simple.”  


“Do you want to quit?” I turn my body to face her. I’m laying down and she’s sitting up, so I have to look up to meet her eyes.  


“Yes, I want to get better, but it’s not easy. Every time I try to stop, I just keep using.”  


“How about this: promise me you’ll quit all this,” I motion to the drugs sprawled around the room, “and I’ll promise you I’ll get over my Varsity problems.”  


“You know your trauma isn’t something you can control and I’ve practically lost all control of mine.”  


“We’ll just have to force it then.” I really want things to become better between us. I don’t want to feel disconnected anymore.  


“I’ll try.”  


“I want you to promise me,” I push.  


“Promises don’t mean anything to me or you.”  


I give her a pleading look and she gives in, “Fine, I promise.” I knew she would agree to this; she always wanted to quit, but never had any motivation to. Maybe our relationship is worth more than I thought it was.  


——  


Ella didn’t come to my house in the morning and I didn’t see her in school, so I tell myself that she’s sick rather than avoiding me. Varsity finds me the next day at lunch.  


The moment I spot him, I get out of my seat and begin walking back into the building, where there’ll be people to witness whatever shit he wants to pull on me.  


“Maev, wait.” He runs up and grabs my arm before I can reach the door.  


“Don’t touch me,” I tear my arm from his grasp.  


“Can you just hear me out?” I don’t leave, but I don’t face him.  


“Okay, I’m sorry about the other night. I was drunk and out of my mind and I didn’t mean to hurt you.”  


“You’re saying this because Ella told you to.” I can hear my own screams from the night of the attack in my head.  


“No, I completely mean it. I’m so sorry.” His voice sounds fake, or maybe it’s all in my mind. Doesn’t matter, I’m never going to forgive him.  


“Is that all?” I try to seem confident and strong, but I’m breaking down inside. He mumbles a small ‘yes’ and I enter the building, leaving him there.  


I run into Ella in the bathroom, which means she was avoiding me. _I_ should be the one avoiding her.  


“Ella,” I say, surprised to see her.  


“Hi.” Things are awkward between us; she knows I’m still mad about homecoming.  


“You sent Sam to apologize to me, didn’t you?” I accuse her.  


“It’s just to show how much he really cares and how hurt he is about what happened.” _He’s_ hurt? What does that make me?  


I don’t stick around to ask her anymore questions. By now, there’s nothing I can do to stop her from being with Varsity. _If she wants to get hurt, I don’t care_ , I think to myself. I know, in the end, I will care, but I’m too angry to admit it right now.  


——  


My parents think I’m going to Ella’s house to change into my dress and head to homecoming together with her, but I drive to Val’s house instead. She’s waiting and ready when I arrive. She’s taking me out for dinner rather than me taking her to homecoming because I know she doesn’t want to go to some lame school dance.  


Since she doesn’t have a car, I drive, which takes the suspense out of where we’re going, but I don’t mind. She takes me to an independently-owned thai food restaurant. The place is empty, but the ambience is comforting. I find myself tapping my foot to the music when we’re seated.  


The meal is nice and, for the first time in a while, I feel happy. I didn’t try to force Val to eat and I forgot what it felt like to lose track of time while talking to someone; it feels nice. After we eat, we grab some ice cream and walk around the town. The dark sky reminded me of Varsity, but I felt safe with Val by my side. We held hands and jumped in and out of shops and galleries. Before we knew it, it was late and I had to take Val home before my parents became suspicious.  


I stand just outside her door, knowing if I come in I wouldn’t be able to leave.  


“Just for a second,” Val insists and tugs on my hand and I shake my head, but eventually give in and walk inside with a shy smile. I stand at the doorway of the bathroom with a smile and watch Val remove her makeup and get ready for bed. I think about kissing her right there, but my heart races at the thought and I enter her bedroom to distract myself.  


I notice Val cleaned up her room, there are no pill bottles or smokes lying around, which reminds me of our promise to each other. I’m glad she’s taking it seriously, maybe I need to try on my part as well.  


Val comes into the room wearing nothing but a muscle tee and her underwear. She sits on her bed, next to me, and watches me with a smile. She’s less than an arm’s distance away from me; I could easily lean in and kiss her right now. Or I could start small and hug her. I feel like I have the strength to do that.  


Without thinking anymore about it, I lean in and kiss her on the lips. She’s surprised at first and I almost pull away, then her arms wrap around my body and I find myself craving her touch. After weeks of not touching a single person, I grab at Val, yearning for the very thing I was afraid of for so long.  


I push her down against the bed and climb on top of her. I can feel her smile through sloppy kisses and I can’t help but to smile myself. I almost forgot the taste of her breath and how it felt when she bit my lower lip. I love the way her nose brushes against mine between kisses and the feel of her skinny, but firm hands as they travel up and down my back.  


In that moment, I forget about the entire world. I felt like I had met Val all over again: just beginning to learn the soft touch of her hands and the smell of her hair. Except this time, I knew I wouldn’t leave her.  


Val tugs at my shirt, slowly pulling it up as we kiss. I freeze, holding my shirt down with my hands. Val pulls back and looks at me with a worried expression.  


“I'm sorry did I—”  


“No, it's just me.” I lay next to her, staring up at the ceiling. I'm back on the cold, concrete floor with Varsity on top of me. _It's not real. It's not real._ I repeat over and over in my mind, but I'm still terrified.  


Varsity pins my arms above my head; I'm helpless.  


“No, no, no!” I break free and punch his throat. I scramble away from him and off the concrete floor, but fall onto a soft rug. I'm back in Val's bedroom. The impact from where I hit the floor leaves me sore and I take a while to get back to my senses.  


Val's coughing in the background and I look over the bed and find her clutching her throat. _Did I do that to her?_  


“Oh god, Val. I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry.” I reach out to place my hand on her arm, but pull back. _What if I hurt her again?_ I run into the kitchen and grab a bottle of water from the fridge. When I come back into the room, Val’s stopped coughing. She’s sitting on the edge of the bed, her back to me. I can’t tell if she’s mad at me.  


I sit next to her and hand her the water bottle. “Are you alright?”  


“Yeah, you just got me right in the throat,” Val says after taking a gulp of water. I stare at my hands, they’re shaking.  


“Are you okay?” she asks.  


“I don’t know. I saw Varsity for the first time in days, but I don’t know why. I took my meds and I was getting better.” I feel like I’m trying to convince myself that I’m getting better rather than Val.  


“Maybe we were moving too fast. It’s okay to take things one step at a time.” I nod, but I can’t stop shaking. _What if I’m getting worse? What if I was never better in the first place?_  


I give Val a peck on the cheek and head out, leaving her to sleep. When I get home, I lay in bed with the lights off. I can’t sleep with all the thoughts in my head. _No, no. It’s my fault. It’s always my fault._  


Tears are falling from my eyes and I take quick, hard breaths to keep from making noise. He’s everywhere now; I can’t stop thinking about Varsity. I grab at my throat with one hand, the other clutching my blanket. He’s gone now. My chest heaves up and down as I catch my breath. I’ll never get over this.


	6. Safe Behind Your Veneer

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [TW- Suicide. Sexual Assault. Drugs. Domestic Violence. Self-harm. Language.]

On Monday, I can barely get out of bed. I haven’t slept in two days; everytime I close my eyes, I see Varsity. When Ella isn’t watching, I skip my meds. I don’t want to feel numb. Ella looks worried, but I don’t tell her about last night or Varsity. I don’t want her to know, especially when she’s still with him.  


I can’t bother to walk to school today, so I take my car.  


I haven’t seen Val since homecoming night. I haven’t talked to anyone in two days. I haven’t felt so terrible in so long, I forgot what it feels like to hate myself. I keep telling myself that it’s going to be okay—that _I’m_ going to be okay—but I don’t believe it. What’s the point anymore? Why do I even try? None of this matters. I don’t have to do any of this. I could drive off the street and crash this car right now. I could bang my head on the steering wheel until I can’t feel my face anymore. Who cares? I deserve this. I deserve all this shit.  


My knuckles are white from gripping the steering wheel and my arm is shaking. Ella places a hand on my thigh gently and I notice how fast I’ve been driving. I ease off the pedal, but the thoughts never leave my mind.  


“What’s wrong? Is it about Val?” Ella asks, almost afraid of my actions.  


“Nothing,” I grumble. She asks me something else, but I don’t hear her. I can’t talk about this. If I talk, it’ll slip and if it slips, everything’ll change. I don’t want that. I don’t want to have to take meds or think about these things or feel like I want to die, but I don’t exactly have a choice.  


“I’m serious. You look like you’re about to burst into tears.” _Who cares? Nothing matters anyway._ Shut up.  


I speed into the school lot and park with an abrupt stop.  


I don’t reply, so Ella continues, “Focus on your breathing. Count to three and breath in, then count to three and breath out. I know I can’t speak for you, but whenever I get angry, I try to occupy my mind with something to forget about whatever happened.  


“When my dad died, I couldn’t wrap my head around why he would do something like that to himself—I couldn’t understand why _anyone_ would want to kill themselves. At first I couldn’t stop crying, and then I got really mad at the world. I felt like I was the one to blame, like if I had helped out more around the house or if I asked about him more he wouldn’t feel the way he did. I stopped talking to people because I thought I had to feel what he felt; I had to feel isolated and lonely. It seemed like the only way I could ever understand what went on in his head when he put a bullet in his brain.” I’m listening to Ella, but I feel detached. I feel nothing. My hands are still gripping the wheel and my muscles ache from the exertion. I have no energy left in me.  


“I couldn’t stop doing these things to myself. And then, one day, I just let go. I don’t know what happened, but as time went by, I became friendlier and more happy. I never felt what my father did, but I stopped trying to think about it. Since then, whenever I get mad, I would think about Berdy; he gives me a purpose in life. And I think about playing piano and making it big. I practice my piano and it helps me forget.  


“The point is you have to stop torturing yourself and stop thinking about everything that’s wrong. You have to let go. And I know that takes time, but you will get there eventually. I just needed you to know that.”  


“You don’t get it. I don’t want to get better. What does it matter anyway? There’s no point; everyday feels the same—like I’m just going through the motions. The pain grows with each breath. You don’t understand how hard it is to live like this.”  


Ella grabs my hand and forces me to look into her eyes. “Maev, you are going to be fine. You’re going to get through this—alive.”  


“Make me believe,” I whisper to myself. Ella gives me a small smile and it pulls me together. I can make it through today, knowing Ella will be by my side.  


——  


I wait for Ella in the library during my free period. I felt better since the talk with Ella, but my nerves have yet to calm down. My foot bounces up and down under the table and I tap my pencil against my palm. I can’t keep my eyes on my homework; they dart around the room, waiting for Varsity to pop out at any moment.  


My earbuds are plugged in, but I’m not listening to anything. There are a group of guys messing with each other around a table near me. I leave the library and walk to my car; the noise is making me jittery. When I get to my car, I take my earbuds out and stare out the windshield with my door open.  


I decide to call Val. The call rings four times before she picks up. I let out a small sigh of relief when I hear her voice.  


“Maev.” There’s loud music playing in the background and I can hear some guys yelling something that’s muffled by the music.  


“Val, how are you?” I smile even though she can’t see it.  


“I’m great, but—uh—this isn’t a very good time for me right now.” I notice her voice is ragged, like it is after she’s been smoking.  


“I just wanted to hear your voice. Maybe I can stop by your house later today?”  


“I’ll be home late today, so I can’t really. How about tomorrow night?” My brows furrow in disappointment.  


“Alright. Keep it up with the rehab, you’re doing good.”  


“You too.” Lies. The last time we were together, I punched her thinking it was Varsity. I’m not getting better.  


We say goodbye and hang up. Val seemed a bit off during the conversation, but I forgot about it by the time Ella got out of school. We hung out at the park because I couldn’t stand to be alone for so long. Ella told me funny stories of herself and I felt happy. I laughed for the first time in a while.  


Before it gets late, Ella leaves to meet Varsity. I don’t mind them being together much anymore, I just try not to think about it. Ever since he apologized to me the other day, I haven’t talked to him, which is good because I don’t want to see him anymore.  


Val said she wouldn’t be home, but I decide to go to her place anyway. I enter Val’s house with the spare key she gave me. Right when I enter, I can tell she’s been smoking. The smell is strong and burns my nostrils. I find scattered pill bottles across the table, like she left in a hurry.  


Val promised me she would stop smoking and ease off the drugs, but the mess in her house tells me otherwise. I don’t know if I should be mad. It’s hard to quit these things, but it seems like Val isn’t even trying to.  


I lay on Val’s bed, remembering homecoming night. What’s wrong with me? What if all this isn’t because of Varsity—it’s because of me? I spot a pack of cigarettes on the nightstand next to the bed and grab them. When I look inside, they are only a couple left. I hold one between my thumb and index finger, rolling it back and forth, and think about how Val must’ve felt like when she took that first hit from her friend that day. At what point did she stop caring? When did she give up?  


I call my parents and tell them I’m staying at Ella’s place. I don’t know why, but I feel more at home in Val’s room than in my own. I can smell Val’s lemony scent in her bed sheets. I close my eyes and end up falling asleep with her cigarette still in my hand.  


——  


I instantly wake up when I hear the front door slam. The cigarette that was in my hand is now on the mattress, next to Val’s pillow. I rub the sleep off my face and head out to see Val. I don't know what I expected, but what I saw was definitely not it. Val’s hair was in a messy bun and her eyeliner was running down her face, like she had been crying. Her jacket hung loosely off her shoulder and she was breathing hard.  


“Val, are you okay? What happened?” Val took a deep breath and wrapped both her arms around me. I was tense at first, but reminded myself that it was only Val. After a second, I wrapped my arms around her as well.  


“I’m glad you’re here.” She was trying hard not to break.  


We seemed to stand there for ages until Val let go. She didn’t say anything, just went to the bathroom. When she came out, the dark streaks coming from her eyes were gone, replaced with dark circles. I forced her to sit down and talk to me, even though I knew she didn’t want to.  


“Val, really, where were you? What were you doing?” I try to maintain eye contact with her, but she refuses to look at me.  


“It was a deal with one of my biggests buyers. He has hallucinations when he’s on hard stuff. Things just got a little messy; it’s alright, really.”  


“No, Val, that’s not alright. Did he touch you? Did he hurt you?”  


“No, it’s nothing like that. I’m fine, really. Don’t worry about it.” I didn’t press her any further, but I didn’t feel any better. I need to stop this; I can’t let Val continue to hurt herself.  


We talk about whatever silly, random stuff that pops into our minds. It felt nice to stop thinking about Varsity or drugs or my depression for a while. I love how Val can make me forget about these things.  


She’s telling me a funny story about some drunk guy at the Basement and I can’t help but to stare at her and smile. She’s so beautiful, even when she’s a mess.  


“What?” She asks skeptically and I realize she stopped talking for a while. Without thinking, I lean in and kiss her on the lips. I can feel her smile into the kiss and I smile as well.  


She pulls back and asks, “What was that for?”  


“I need a reason to kiss you?” The smile never leaves my face as I lean in for another kiss, but only get a peck before she pulls back again.  


“No, but is there?”  


“Okay, that was me thanking you for taking my mind off things.” I lean in and kiss her again.  


When I pull back I say, “That was because you’re stunning.” I kiss her neck and hear a moan escape her lips.  


“That was for your beautiful mind.” I look up and see Val’s head rolled back and a smile on her lips. With my hand against the back of her neck, I pull her head closer to mine and give her sloppy, wet, messy kisses. My breathing becomes heavier and I long to feel her touch my skin. I hastily grab the hem of her shirt and pull it over her head.  


Before I can do anything more, Val asks, “Are you sure you want to do this? I’m fine with taking things slow.”  


I nod, not wanting to waste any time. I can see a slight smile on Val’s lips and wonder if my touching problems made her feel uncomfortable or dissatisfied in any way. I bury the thought with more kisses and climb on top of Val. She tugs at my shirt and I hesitate for just a second before throwing it off.  


The feeling of Val’s skin against mine makes me sigh, like I’ve been waiting for this moment my entire life. My hands are resting on the mattress on both sides of Val’s head. I can feel her hands fiddle with my bra, trying to take it off.  


I lose myself in Val. Everything turns to a blur when she touches me. The time flies by quick and I find myself shaking as I drift to sleep in her arms. I didn’t think of Varsity at all; it’s over. I wonder if I only wanted Val to touch me to prove to myself that I’m past what happened to me, but then I look up at her as she smokes the cigarette I fell asleep with and knew it wasn’t just a test. I really needed Val.  


She blows a puff of smoke away from my head and looks down at me with a smile. My fingers are tracing mindless scribbles around her chest, near her collarbone. I smile back because she’s here now, and I don’t feel so alone anymore.  


Val puts out the smoke, knowing how much I hate it, and it makes me smile even wider. I give her bare shoulder a small peck before leaning on it again.  


I close my eyes as Val begins talking. I didn’t listen to what she said, just hearing her voice made me feel whole. I would listen to her forever if I could. Slowly, I drifted to sleep. I could feel Val’s eyes watch me, but it didn’t put me on edge; I felt comfortable around her all the time.  


——  


I wake from the sound of my phone alarm. I quickly jump to turn it off as to not wake Val as well. When I look over, Val’s not in bed, so I get dressed in my clothes from yesterday and head to the bathroom.  


When I come out of the bathroom, I look for Val around the apartment. I find her outside, smoking a cigarette. She’s wearing the ‘GEORGIA TECH’ sweater and sweatpants with her hair up in a bun. When I step outside, I’m immediately hit with the cold morning wind and the smell of smoke. Val looks back and smiles at me, which I reply with my own. I stand next to her and lean on the railing. There’s not much of a view, only the the backdrop of a convenience store.  


“You’re up early,” I say, my voice is raspy.  


“I couldn’t sleep. How are you?” Smoke blows out of Val’s mouth when she speaks.  


“Never better.” Val nods.  


“So did you go to Georgia Tech?” I ask, gesturing to her sweatshirt.  


She looks down at the grey sweater as if she forgot she was wearing it. “No, my brother went there. I just stole this sweater from him.” She laughs. “Yeah, I didn’t go to college.”  


“Tell me more about your brother.”  


“There’s not much to tell. He’s a couple years older than me, he’s a computer engineer, uh, he’s kind of like my best friend.”  


I nod and we’re silent again.  


“Remember that promise we made to each other?” I say to break the silence. The look on Val’s face tells me she already knows where this is going.  


“Maev…” she begins, but can’t find the words to finish.  


“I just want you to know I’m serious about it. I’m trying so hard to get over this and you should too.”  


“I am—I’m trying. It’s just that my entire life practically revolves around these drugs. You don’t understand, if I stop, I’ll go crazy. I can’t eat, sleep, talk. This thing controls me.” I hear her breath catch in her throat and wonder if this is the first time she’s admitted it to herself. I gently place my hand on her arm in an attempt to comfort her, but it doesn’t work.  


Val takes a drag and says, “Trust me when I say I’ve been trying.”  


“Okay.” And I do, I trust her. Not because she told me to or because she’s my girlfriend and I have to trust her, but because I really want to believe she’s going to get over this addiction. I imagine us together after everything we’ve been through—all of the sadness—and it feels great. We don’t have to worry about anything and just having each other makes everything better. I dream of feeling that one day.  


——  


I guess after bringing it up I made her step up her game to show me she’s trying just as hard as I am because Val starts showing major signs of withdrawal. Over the past couple days, Val’s been anxious and clingy; she’s been sweaty and paranoid and it’s making me worry about pushing her about this. When I ask her about it, she brushes it off and tells me not to worry.  


“Maybe you shouldn’t go cold turkey,” I suggest while hanging at her house one day.  


“This isn’t even cold turkey. I would probably die if I stopped completely right now.” I hadn’t realized exactly how much Val’s been using until I saw her like this. She couldn’t move out of bed and speaking alone is already difficult for her.  


I sit on the bed next to her and watch as she breathes heavily with her eyes shut. I helped her clean out her room the other day, so there aren’t any drugs or smokes laying around anymore. We manage how many hits she gets each day and decrease it with time, but slowly easing off it doesn’t make it any easier.  


“You want more water or something?” I ask, not knowing what I can do to help. Val just shakes her head while releasing a groaning sound that almost makes me cringe. I sit there helpless as Val continues to throw the blankets on and off her body.  


I feel more at ease when Val falls asleep; she still flips back and forth, unable to keep still, but she seems to be more at peace. I hold a cold rag against her forehead to keep her fever from soaring.  


I’ve been spending a lot of my time with Val now that I’ve forced her to do this to herself. Whenever she’s asleep, I find myself softly apologizing to her. I know it isn’t my fault that she got into these things, but I can’t help but feel guilty.  


She gets worse as time goes by. Now, she can’t speak a word to me. She’s constantly shaking and moving in some way whenever she’s awake, but she sleeps most of the time I’m around and she completely stopped eating altogether. As she loses herself, I lose myself as well; I can physically feel her pain transfer to me. I hate seeing her like this.  
One time, Val was in tears and screaming as she reached for a blade. She tackled me for it; I never understood how much pain she was going through. I kept trying to tell her to hold on and to not give up, but I think she stopped hearing me. In her head, there was only sadness.  


Another time, she couldn’t even recognize me. She was screaming and shouting at me to get out of her room. I knew it was just the drugs messing her up, but I felt terrible, like I deserved it for making her go through that.  


The worst was when she broke into the locked cabinet where we keep her drugs and got a hit. I didn’t realize at first, but then I noticed how she wasn’t shaking or sweating or reaching for the drugs. It wasn’t hard to figure out after that. Now, I move the drugs so she doesn’t know where they are, but it scares me how insane they drive her.  


The days seem to become longer and longer when I go to Val’s house because she’s sleeping most of the time. So I bring Ella with me to keep me company. I’ve been keeping her up to date with Val, but she didn’t realize just how bad it was until she actually saw Val.  


Val was sleeping when we arrived, but her eyes were clearly red and puffy from crying and her room was a mess. Ella gagged from the smoke, but eventually got used to it, just like me. I’m glad I have a friend like Ella to help me take care of my girlfriend, unlike how I’ve been with Varsity. I tell myself I’ll look out for Varsity and at least try to be nice; if Ella can see the good in him, then I’m sure I can too.  


I could tell Ella was avoiding Val, but she was subtle about it. She really tried to engage Val into conversations, but it was still hard for Val to talk. So they were mainly one-sided conversations. I couldn’t help but smile at the effort Ella made to cheer her up and I think Val appreciated it as well, even if she couldn’t show it.  


“The famous Valerie Irving. You know, Maev never shuts up about you. I’m so glad I can finally meet you, despite the circumstances. Maybe we can go out on a double date one day, when you’re better.” Ella smiles as she talks. Her smile is genuine, just like the one I saw when I first met her—the one that made me feel special.  


After the first couple weeks, Val began improving. She wasn’t screaming or yelling at me anymore and she could actually hold a conversation for a few minutes before growing tired. She was sleeping less and less during the day, which was good because I could spend more time with her.  


One day, Val started to get out of her bed. She seemed distressed about something, like she had to get something done, but I couldn’t think of anything more important than her physical health.  


“Val, get back in bed, you’re in no shape to be going anywhere,” I try, but she ignored me. She tries to stand up, but stumble from not using her legs for weeks. I quickly grab her to keep her from hitting the floor. It was even easier to carry her now, which wasn’t a good sign.  


“No, I have to go today. He’s waiting for me,” she mumbles.  


“Who’s waiting for you?” I ask to amuse her. She must’ve been talking about a delusion in her head.  


“Noah. I need to sell to him.” It dawned on me that she hadn’t been distributing for weeks now, which meant money was a big problem for her. I froze, not knowing what to do, but came back as I felt her try to pull from my grasp. She manages to drag me to the front door, but I sweep her off her feet and carry her back to her bed.  


“No! Stop! I need to go!” She screams in my ear as I hold her down.  


“Val, stop.” I feel as if she grows stronger every second. “Okay! I’ll go!”  


She pauses and looks at me clearly for the first time. I can’t read her expression. “I’ll go for you. There’s no way you’ll be able to deal, let alone make it out the door. Just tell me what to do and I’ll go.” I didn’t want to get caught up in this and I’m sure Val didn’t want me to either, but she’s in no position to be working and money was definitely an issue for her. I couldn’t let her drown in debt after putting her in the state that she’s in.  


I hate it, but I love her too much to stop myself.  


——  


Val told me everything I needed to know to get the job done, but I still sit in my car, shaking from fear of what’s about to happen. Apparently, Noah is not only one of Val’s biggest buyers, but also a friend of Sage. We’re meeting at the Basement.  


I’ve been to the Basement a hundred times and I’ve never felt as nervous as I do now. My car speeds and slows and swerves back and forth in the road because I can’t keep still. When I arrive, I can’t seem to move out of the car. _What if something goes wrong? What if things get violent?_ I shake my head, trying hard not to think about it, but I can’t help it. I stare at the black Jansport backpack in the seat next to me, scared to even touch it. The drugs that I’m supposed to sell are in that bag.  


With shaky hands, I step out of the car and swing the bag over my shoulder. As I walk toward the house, I feel all eyes on me. It’s not real, but my mind's playing tricks on me. My eyes dart back and forth, making sure I don’t seem suspicious. Nobody notices me when I enter the house; they’re all busy partying as per usual. I’m sure a million drug deals have occurred in this house, but I’m still anxious.  


I walk to Sage’s usual room and stand in the doorway, not sure of who I’m supposed to be looking for. When I feel a hand on my shoulder, I jump and turn around.  


I have to tilt my head up just to meet Noah’s eyes. He’s got tattoos all over his arms and legs and I probably look dumb staring at him the way I am. He doesn’t look anything short of mean and violent. I can’t read his facial expression, but I’m sure he doesn’t think highly of me.  


“Are you Maev?” His voice is deep and rough, it reminds me of Varsity’s voice. I nod, unable to get a word out in his presence.  


“Follow me,” he says and begins thundering down the stairs. I almost have to jog just to keep up with him. I watch him go down the basement and I pause at the threshold, seriously rethinking my promise to Val. I shake off my fear and enter the basement.  


When I get to the basement, I finally find my voice and ask, “Are you sure we can be down here?”  


The music from above is muffled with the Basement door closed. It’s dimly lit inside, but I can see just enough to get by without bumping into anything. There’s a bag stuffed with dollar bills on the floor next to the couch. I tense when I realize we are the only people in the room, not even Sage is in his room.  


Noah ignores my question and asks, “So you’re Val’s girl, huh? You look a little young.”  


I nod, remembering Val telling me not to talk to him. Just make the trade and get out. He’s definitely not the kind of guy I want to be messing with.  


Noah laughs a little when I don’t speak and says, “Where’s my stuff?”  


I shrug off the backpack and take out the ziplock bag of drugs. Noah takes the bag from my hands and takes out a smaller bag of some white powder—what I assume is cocaine. He sits on the couch near the table and pours two lines of the powder onto the glass.  


I stare at him the entire time, it reminds me of when I used to watch Sage. He motions for me to sit down, but I’m frozen in place. So he grabs my arm and forces me down. My heart begins pounding against my chest. This is where things go wrong, just like in the movies. _This is how I die._  


“Have you ever tried coke before?” Noah’s booming voice tears through my thoughts.  


“No.” My voice sounds small now.  


“Of course not. You’re just a kid.” He watches me, waiting for a response, but I’m not sure what to do.  


“I really don’t have time to stay any longer. If you could just give me what I came for, I’ll happily leave you at it,” I say, hoping that things’ll go my way. They don’t.  


Noah rolls up a dollar bill and places it up his nose before sniffing the line. I watch as the powder is lifted off the glass, into the tube. When he’s finished, he takes another deep inhale with his eyes closed and finally looks straight at me. From here, I can see his pupils are dilated and he’s got a small smirk on his face.  


He hands me the tube and says, “Go ahead.”  


“No thanks. These are for you.” I try to keep my voice stern, but it cracks.  


Out of nowhere, Noah’s hand grabs the back of my neck and holds my face inches from his. “I don’t think you understand. You don’t have a choice.” I smell alcohol in his breath and gag.  


“Okay,” I whimper and he lets go of me. I take the rolled up dollar from his hands with shaky fingers and stare at the white line nervously. What do I do? What _can_ I do? If I try to leave, he’s going to kill me. If I inhale this drug, _I’m_ going to kill me.  


I start to feel his patience wearing thin, so I insert the tube into my nose and bend down. I feel like I’m bent down for ages as I squeeze my eyes shut and try not to make a sound. I feel him grab my ass and I immediately stand up and turn around. The dollar drops to the floor and I regret my actions as I watch the look on Noah’s face.  


He’s not mad, which makes me confused; it must be the drug’s effect on him. Instead, he’s smiling as he reaches to grab my arm. I try to step back, but I’m already caught in his grip. The night with Varsity flashes back into my head and I freeze, reliving the moment.  


“Ever been with a guy before?” he asks softly and I try to pull away from his grasp, telling him to let go, but my muscles feel like jelly. I can’t think straight with Varsity in my head.  


I snap into focus when Noah slips his hand under my shirt and grabs my breast. I start screaming for him to stop, but there’s no way anyone can hear me over the blasting music from upstairs.  


“Shut up,” he says violently, but I can’t stop. I’ve fallen to the floor and he’s on top of me now. He’s pinned down my hands over my head. I feel scared and helpless, just like I did when Varsity attacked me.  


Before he can do anything else, I slip my hand free and punch him in the face. He’s taken back and I push him off of me. I grab the glass that was holding the cocaine and smash it into his head. I bring the glass up and down, continuing to bang it against his head until it smashes to pieces. Then, I wrap my hands around his throat and squeeze.  


“Don’t touch or call Val ever again. And don’t you dare tell Val about this. I’ll fucking kill you if you do. Understand?” I don’t recognize my voice—it’s filled with so much rage and violence.  


Although he’s twice my size, I feel like I hold power over him with my fingers squeezing his neck. He nods and gasps for air when I let go. I grab the bag of money and race out the door.  


——  


My heart doesn’t stop racing until I reach Val’s house. I sit in my car, trying to compose myself before seeing her. I don’t want to alarm her. Right now, she needs to focus on getting better. I look at my shaking hands and remember how it felt to suffocate Noah. Was that how Varsity felt over me? It almost felt good to slowly take his life.  


I let out a sigh and try to calm down. No, I’m not like Varsity—I’m nothing like Varsity. What I did was a necessary evil; it couldn’t have been avoided. It was self-defense.  


I check my face in the mirror. I look relatively normal, so I grab the bag of money and enter Val’s house.  


I smile when I see Val sitting on the couch, patiently waiting for me. There’s a plate full of food on her lap and I’m glad she’s trying to eat something, even if she didn’t actually eat anything. When she sees me, she slowly gets up and gives me a hug. It feels amazing to be back in her arms, especially after what just happened at the Basement.  


“How did it go?” Val’s soft voice soothes me and I kiss her cheek.  


“It went as smoothly as it could’ve.” I smile to ease her mind and she smiles back.  


Just the thought of lying to Val makes me hate myself, but I’d rather do that than have her worry about me.  


With my arms still wrapped around her, I bury my head into her shoulder and say, “I love you so much, Val.”  


Without even having to see her face, I can tell she’s smiling wide. “I love you, too.”


	7. I Played Hide-And-Go-Seek

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [TW- Suicide. Self-harm. Drugs. Language.]

It’s the first day of winter break and my classmates celebrate when the bell rings, but I can’t bother with even a small smile. It’s been two months since the incident with Noah and it’s taken so much out of me to lie to Val. The past couple months have been bleak; I don’t feel much anymore. College applications were due in November, which I didn’t care much for. I just applied to some colleges here and there, but I can’t see myself in college, much less graduating high school.  


For some reason, the deal with Noah seems like it never happened. It was never mentioned after that night, meaning Noah listened to me. I must’ve seemed threatening, like Varsity. I haven’t gotten over it. Every time I’m alone, I find new parallels between me and Varsity and it’s killing me.  


Val has improved so much over the weeks and it makes me so proud of her. She still smokes and sells to people like Noah, but she’s definitely a lot stronger than she was before. Her tolerance for everything has gone down and we’re still lowering the amount she uses daily, but she’s more enthusiastic. She has more energy and she’s more lively.  


Despite the success of Val, I’ve reverted back to old ways. When I’m around other people, I put on a fake smile, but I always feel so lonely. Even when I’m with Val, I’m alone.  


I don’t talk much and my discomfort shows. Practically everyone I know seems worried about me, which I hate. I don’t want people to worry if I’m okay, I just want to be okay. I want things to go back to the way they were before Noah and before Varsity. I want to just be happy with Val, but that dream’s gone.  


I never walk to school anymore; there’s no point in watching the trees. So I drive back home, which takes no more than ten minutes. When I get home, I plug in my earbuds and go to bed. I don’t want to see anybody right now.  


Lately, I’ve been crying a lot more. It seems as though I can’t go a couple days without breaking down. One time, I lost it in school and skipped class as I sat in the bathroom stall crying.  


I don’t know what’s been going on with me. I feel as though I have no control over my thoughts, or feelings, or actions. I’m not me anymore.  


It hurts to know that I’m damaging my relationship with Val. I don’t tell her things anymore and I can tell it’s bothering her.  


My phone rings. It’s Ella. I decline the call and turn my phone on silent. I don’t want to be cheered up right now; I want to sulk.  


I stare at the ceiling and listen to the slow, soft music play in the background. This is how it’s been for the past couple months. I’d come home immediately after school and think about everything. I haven’t been able to get out of this funk and I’m beginning to wonder if there’s something I’m doing wrong—if it’s my fault that I’m like this. It must be my fault. I always fuck things up.  


——  


I’m sitting in Dr. Alexander’s room the next morning. My mom’s making me go two times a week now because apparently I’ve gotten worse. So now I have regular appointments every Wednesday and Saturday. I hate seeing Alex. I mean, what’s the point in wasting money for me to go see a therapist when I don’t even want to get better?  


I would never admit that to another person. If someone knew I didn’t want to get better, who knows what would happen? I would be watched more carefully in fear that I might kill myself.  


Do I want to kill myself? I don’t want to live, but I don’t want to die either. I feel like I don’t know anything anymore. I keep having thoughts of killing myself, no doubt about that, but I don’t mean to think about these things. I don’t mean to wonder how many times I have to stab my arm with a pencil until I bleed out. I don’t mean to guess how high a floor I have to jump off of to successfully stop my heart. I don’t mean to think about these things, I just do. Maybe, on some unconscious level, I actually enjoy continuously dying in my mind. Maybe, to some extent, I like it.  


“Are you not speaking to me, Maev?” Alex catches my attention with a wave of his hand.  


“What did you say?” I say, bluntly revealing I wasn’t listening to him.  


“I asked how you’ve been feeling recently. Did anything major happen? Anything exciting?” Alex’s hands clasp together over his crossed legs. He’s wearing a blue suit with a white button up and a red tie today. It makes him seem younger in a way, though the grey hairs and the wrinkles etched in his forehead tell a different story.  


“Nope. The days are the same, just as usual. Nothing special.” I stare at the one painting of the lonely sailboat on Alex’s wall. Nothing in his office has changed, which is boring.  


“How about Val? Did you see her?”  


“Yeah, I saw her on Thursday, but we didn’t do much. We just talked and stuff.”  


“Oh yeah? What did you guys talk about?”  


“Nothing, or nothing that matters anyway.” My voice is lazy and it shows.  


“Well, just tell me about it,” Alex presses.  


“What’s the point? I’m just wasting your time.”  


“I don’t think so. This is a very good use of my time.”  


“Well then I’m wasting my own time.” I start to get irritated. I always do this because Alex always pressures me to talk more and sometimes I don’t want to.  


Alex is silent for a second and I think I’ve won, but then he says, “Maev, have you ever had thoughts of hurting yourself?”  


My heart stops and my breath catches in my throat for a moment, but I don’t think Alex notices. Still, I don’t even have to answer the question. In fact, he didn’t have to ask the question; he already knew.  


“Have you ever actually hurt yourself?” He continues once I grow silent. I think about the scars on Val’s leg. Could I ever do that to myself?  


“No, but I know someone who has.”  


“Do you mind if I ask who?” Alex’s voice is gentle and enticing.  


“Val, actually.” I fix my stare at my shoes. I don’t like looking at Alex when I’m talking about Val. It reminds me of how messed up I am and how that affects Val.  


“Valerie?” Alex leans forward and places his elbows against his knees. I nod, not wanting to say it out loud.  


“Do you know why?”  


“Pain, I guess. Why else?” I try to shrug it off, but Alex continues the conversation.  


“Do you think seeing her do these things or even just seeing the damage has had some sort of effect on how you feel?”  


“Of course. It makes me sad. Who can look at something like that and not feel sad? The girl that I’m supposed to be helping is hurting herself and I can’t do anything to stop it.”  


“Have you tried to help her stop?” I can feel Alex burn holes in me with his eyes, but I keep my eyes on my shoes.  


“Not really, but there’s a lot going on right now.”  


“Like what?”  


I don’t know what to tell him. I can’t tell him my girlfriend’s trying to get over an addiction to drugs. I don’t know why I even let the conversation go this far. I feel like I’ve violated Val’s trust by telling him these things.  


“The things we talk about are confidential, right?” I ask, finally looking up at him.  


“Yes, unless you indicate that you have thoughts of killing yourself or someone else. Then, I must bring attention to it.”  


“Okay, but I’m not going to answer that question. Not because I have something to hide, but because my girlfriend trusts me not to tell anyone certain things about her and I have to respect her trust.”  


Alex smiles and tells me it’s okay, which makes me feel better because I believe him. I may not know if _I’m_ going to be okay, but—for now—I know there are still boundaries and things that I care about, which means that I’m still here. I’m not completely lost.  


——  


After my session, I drive to Val’s house. Talking about Val with Alex made me want to see her and since I’ve been distant with her, I decided to buy her some flowers. I don’t usually do the lovey-dovey stuff, but I know it puts a smile on Val’s face and I just really need to see that beautiful smile now.  


She opens the door for me and immediately lights up. When I hand her the flowers, she smells them with a smile. I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone so happy because of a small plant.  


“For me? What’s the occasion?” Val asks.  


“You. I was just thinking about you and I wanted to get you something. Just ‘cause.”  


Val pulls me into a hug and lets me into the apartment. Before she can even place the flowers down, I kiss her. The kiss is sweet and it makes me forget about how fucked up I am. Right now, it’s just me and Val.  


I kick the door shut and carry Val to her bedroom. When I lay her down, I feel her smile against my lips. She drops the flowers next to her as I climb on top of her. I plant kisses down her neck as I pull off her leggings. When I brush my hands against her leg, I feel each bump from which there is a scar and I’m reminded of my talk with Alex earlier. I can feel her hands move up and down my back, desperately wanting to feel my skin.  


——  


I stare at Val’s bare back as she reads her book. I draw lines against her skin, just wanting to touch her. She moves and startles me.  


“Did I bother you?” I whisper, not wanting to break the still silence.  


“No.” She turns her body to me and smiles.  


“What are you reading?” I ask.  


She shows me the torn, lime green cover of _The Perks of Being a Wallflower_. She sets the book on the mattress behind her and our hands interlock.  


I stare at them for a while. Feeling her skin reminds me of what I told Alex and I think about Val’s scars. I want to ask her about it. I want to know what made her slice her skin for the first time, but I don’t know how to bring it up.  


“Alex asked me if I ever thought about hurting myself today,” I admit.  


“What did you say?” I close my eyes to avoid Val’s gaze.  


“Honestly, I have. I’ve basically lived it a million times in my head, but I don’t have the guts to actually go through with it.”  


“You mean you have the guts to not go through with it?” Val suggests. I know it’s not an easy subject, but she’s trying to keep light of it.  


When I don’t reply she says, “Maev, self-harm is like an addiction. Once you start, it’s hard to stop. And in no way is it good for you.”  


“I know, but if you know these things, why did you still do it anyway? If people know things are no good for them, why do they go for it?” I feel Val’s grip on my hand tighten and wonder if I went too far.  


“I guess it’s a distraction. I mean, I can’t speak for everybody, but sometimes I just want to forget and feel something else for a change.”  


“Don’t worry about me, I’m just curious,” I assure her and she smiles again.  


“I know.” She leans in and kisses my forehead. I’m glad I have Val to ground me here. If I didn’t have her, I probably would’ve been dead long ago.  


——  


My 18th birthday is tomorrow, but I don’t feel excited. I’m not ready to be an adult. I haven’t heard Val or Ella mention it, which disappoints me a little. It seems as if they don’t even remember my birthday. I mean, I know I don’t want a big deal made out of it, but I don’t want it to pass unnoticed either.  


I stay in bed all day, only leaving to eat or use the toilet. It’s one of those days where everything hits me: Varsity, Noah, Val. Everything. I’ve been having those days a lot lately.  


Ella comes over at noon because I’ve been avoiding her since school got out. I couldn’t let her stand outside in the snow, so I let her in. I don’t say anything, but I know she’s pissed at me for ignoring her over the weekend.  


“I’ve been calling you the past few days.”  


“Yep.” I lean on the headboard of my bed with my book in my hand. Ella sits on the edge of the bed, staring at me.  


“So?”  


“So what.”  


“So why didn’t you call me back?” Her voice becomes louder without her meaning it. I must really be working her up.  


“I didn’t have anything to say.”  


I plug my phone into the speaker and play some music to end the conversation, but Ella turns off the music. I glare at her for a second and turn the music back on. I can see her jaw tense as she rips the phone out of the speaker and throws it onto the bed.  


“What do you want?” I grow agitated and clench my fists.  


“Tell me what the fuck has been going on with you. We don’t even talk anymore; you avoid me every chance you get. What’s bothering you?”  


“Nothing. I’m fine.”  


“Maev.” Ella scoots closer to me, gently this time. “Just tell me what’s up. I won’t tell anyone if you don’t want me to; you can trust me.”  


I stare at the book in my hands, but can’t concentrate on reading. When I don’t answer, Ella gently pulls the book from my hands and forces me to look at her. She grabs my hand and I almost break. I don’t want to tell her because I’ll just be a burden, but I feel like I can’t hide it from her, like she knows just by looking at me.  


Without another word, Ella leans forward and kisses me.  


“Woah, Ella,” I manage to get out against her lips. She pulls back and looks at me surprised.  


“Fuck, Maev, I’m sorry. I’ll go.” She rushes out of the house, leaving me on the bed. I touch my lips, unsure of how I feel.  


——  


“Slow down, where are we even going?” I ask, smiling as Val drags me by my hand down the street. It’s dark out and the stars are glistening, but I barely have time to admire them as Val pulls me along.  


“I told you; we’re going to the roller rink. It’s gonna be fun!” Val looks back at me for a second with her bright smile and I can’t help but to laugh. She looks like an excited child.  


We reach the entrance and she prods me forward. I already know what’s past the door, but I’m still shocked when it happens. My smile grows wider than ever before as I stand in front of a large group of people, some of whom I don’t even recognize, scream ‘happy birthday’ at me. I turn back and Val mouths ‘surprise’ over the noise.  


Everyone gets settled down: some begin rolling around the rink, some grab food, and some just sit and chat. I look around the room, but can’t find Ella anywhere. Did she not come because of what happened yesterday? I haven’t been able to stop thinking about the kiss since it occurred. I know I’m with Val, but I didn’t pull back when Ella leaned in. Did I want to kiss Ella? Or did she just catch me by surprise?  


“Hey, you okay?” Val says in my ear so I can hear over the music.  


“Yeah. Thank you for this.”  


“It wasn’t me. Come on.” She takes my hand and we weave through the crowd.  


I finally see Ella smiling and talking to Varsity. My smile falters a little, thinking about the kiss again.  


“Here’s who you should thank for all this,” Val says when we reach Ella and Varsity.  


“Thank you so much, Ella.” I give her a hug. It’s the first time I’ve touched her since we kissed. When I pull away, we lock eyes for a second. Things are different now.  


“Happy birthday, Maev.” Varsity smiles at me and I nod awkwardly and mumble a ‘thank you.’  


“Who are all these people?” I ask Ella, but she shrugs.  


“I invited them. Most of them go to the Basement often. Oh, come on. I want to introduce you to someone.” Val pulls me away again before I can say bye to Ella and Varsity.  


“So you know all these people?” I ask.  


“Some. Practically everyone who goes to the Basement is here.”  


“So a bunch of college drunks and addicts?” Val seems offended.  


“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean that.”  


She shakes her head. “It’s fine.”  


I find myself standing in front of a man with dark, clean-cut hair and bright, green eyes. He looks similar to Val in that his eyes are deep-set into his face and they both have that stunning, dopey smile. The man’s jawline is rough and covered with a small stubble, like he didn’t have time to shave this morning.  


“Maev, this is my brother Ray.” Val introduces happily.  


“Nice to meet you, Ray.” I shake his hand with a smile, which he happily returns.  


“Right back at you. Val has told me all about you; she literally can’t stop talking about you. I’m glad to finally put a face to a name.” His voice is rough and soft at the same time, like Val’s.  


We sit and talk for a while and I get to know Ray more. Although he practically looks identical to Val, they’re very different. He’s some sort of computer engineer for a big corporation, which contrasts to Val and her ‘non-existent job’.  


Some time later into the night, Ella steals me away from Val and Ray and brings me outside. The music from inside is muffled when the door shuts; then it’s just the two of us.  


“Look, I wanted to talk about yesterday because you seem like you’re avoiding me again,” Ella begins.  


I sigh; I really wish she had never kissed me. “Can we not talk about this right now? I just want to forget about it tonight.”  


“That’s the thing. I can’t stop thinking about it; I can’t forget.”  


“So what? What do you want me to say? Ella, I’m with Val and you’re with Sam. You can’t just do something like that.”  


“Tell me you can’t forget either.” She reaches for my hand, but I pull back, unsure of what I should do.  


“Have I ever told you how much I hate cheaters? It’s the one thing I absolutely cannot tolerate.”  


“You haven’t denied it. You’ve thought about it, too.” Ella leans forward and before I know it, I can smell her chocolatey breath.  


“Ella, please,” I whisper, but make no move to push her away. Somehow, despite my feelings for Val, I can’t escape Ella’s grasp.  


I can feel myself leaning forward and I kiss her. My arms are wrapped around Ella’s back, just as they were to Val’s. She feels strong under me, unlike Val who felt fragile and broken.  


Ella’s hot breath contrasts to the freezing wind all around us. Her hands come under my jawline, cupping my face, and I push her back against the wall. When I pull back, I find Ella smiling at me and I smile back. She leans her head on my shoulder and hugs me. I feel warm in her arms, something I’ve never felt with Val.  


“We need to get back,” I say and Ella nods, but I still lean down and kiss her again.  


I can’t describe what I feel with Ella. I never thought I could feel this way about two people at the same time. _You have to stop; this isn’t right_ , I tell myself over and over, but I can’t help but smile when I think of Ella. With Ella, I don’t have to worry about slipping up or keeping her in check in terms of drugs and alcohol. It’s a nice change of pace after being with Val.  


“First, wait here. I have a present for you.” Ella smiles before quickly disappearing through the door. I lean against the wall and wait for her to return. A few people leaving come by to wish me happy birthday and I politely say ‘thank you’, but I can’t recognize a single one of them.  


Then I spot Oz walking towards me with a big smile. I haven’t seen him since that night at the Basement. He’s carrying a small envelope, which he hands to me.  


“Happy birthday, Maev.”  


“Thanks, did you just get here? It’s kind of late,” I say as I check the time on my phone.  


“Yeah, I was caught up with some other stuff.”  


Ella comes back out with a small box in her hands. “Oh hey, Oz. Glad you could make it.” They exchange a quick hug and Oz leaves us to be alone.  


“Here, this is from me and Sam.” Ella hands me the box. I undo the bow on the top and open the it; inside is a necklace with a key attached to it. Engraved into the key is the word ‘happiness’. I just stare at it, unable to form any words.  


“I thought you would need it, like maybe it’ll help you get through this depression. I know things have been rough lately and I wanted you to have this. So there’ll always be something telling you to hold on.”  


“Thank you, Ella. Really. I couldn’t have gotten this far without you.” You’re my first true friend.  


I hug her for what feels like an eternity. I never want to let go, but eventually pulled away. Ella helps me put on the necklace and we head back in to join the party.  


After dropping Val off at her house, I returned home. I felt light and high, like I had forgotten everything and the world disappeared. I wasn’t on anything, I was just happy.  


I laugh at the thought. Maybe Ella’s necklace is working its magic on me. My birthday’s over, but I still feel like I’m on a high. I couldn’t stop smiling to myself. I wish I could feel like this everyday.  


——  


“Let’s go to the Winter Fair on Christmas. I’ve never gone,” Val suggests as we sit in the library. I’m working on an assignment for school and Val’s reading a new book she found on one of the shelves. We sit in the back corner, isolated from everyone else as to not bother anyone.  


“How long have you lived here? It’s like the biggest fair around and you haven’t gone?” I ask in disbelief. I continue typing up an essay for English class, including whatever bullshit comes to mind.  


“I was born here. I lived here for nineteen years and have never gone to the fair.”  


“We should go then. We could invite Ella and Oz—oh, and you’re brother.” I become excited planning for our little get together.  


Val laughs a little and leans into me. “You’re so cute when you get excited.” I smile and give her a peck on the cheek.  


“So what did you do for Christmas if you didn’t go to the fair?”  


“My brother and I would go to the woods with some make-shift sleds and slide around. We would play in the snow—you know, snowball fights and building snowmen. He would make hot chocolate for me and, when we were older, we would walk around town together. Since my parents were never around, he was always the only one there—always taking care of me.”  


“That must’ve been nice.”  


“Yeah, I liked being with him. He took care of me when my parents didn’t.” She fiddles with her hands, like she’s anxious talking about them.  


“There was this one time, my parents were fighting, so Ray and I snuck out of the house and went to the woods. We played tag with a kid who lived near us and we just lost track of time. When we got back home, we were scolded, but it didn’t matter because, for a while, it was just the three of us in the world and nothing else mattered. That was the day I realized my brother would always have my back no matter what.”  


“I wish I had someone like that in my life when I was younger.” I had stopped typing and focused all my attention on Val.  


“What were you like back then?”  


“I don’t know, the same as I am now? I used to live in a rural town in the North. I was a really quiet, shy kid who nobody ever paid attention to. I never had any friends; I was basically an outcast. As I grew up, my shyness became more of a problem; I wouldn’t talk to anyone for days at a time or I would walk circles around school or a shop before entering because I was afraid to go in. After this went on for a couple years, my parents forced me to see a psychiatrist and I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety. My parents thought that my anxiety problems were caused by the lack of social interactions, so we moved here two years ago, but that didn’t change anything.  


“I hated living here because people at my school started bullying me; they would throw rocks and chase me down. Then I met you and Ella earlier this year and none of that bothered me anymore. You guys are like the only good thing that has ever happened in my life.”  


“I really love you, you know?” Val squeezes my arm.  


I lean in a kiss her on the lips. “I know.”  


“Oh, before I forget. I got you something.” I grab Val’s present from my backpack and hand it to her. It’s badly wrapped in wrapping paper that reads ‘Merry Christmas!’ in red and green.  


“Thank you. I got you something too, though I couldn’t wrap it.”  


“Val, you didn’t have to. I know you don’t have much to spare for silly things like this.”  


“No, it’s you. I want to.” I smile and give her a peck on her cheek.  


She takes out a small, square CD holder and I immediately recognize what it is. It’s the disk from the album I once listened to when I was with Val. _Young Rising Sons_. I had told her I wanted to go to their concert, but I had no time or money to.  


“It’s not concert tickets, but—”  


“It’s perfect, thank you.” I’m smiling and she is too.  


“Okay, now open yours,” I say and push the present to her, excited to see her reaction. I got her a new copy of _The Perks of Being a Wallflower_.  


Once she realizes what it is, her smile grows wider than before and she almost yells in happiness, but remembers we’re in a library. She gives me a hug and whispers ‘thank you.'  


“I know how much you love this book and I thought you could use a copy that didn’t look like it’s been through war,” I say and Val laughs. I stare at her, trying to memorize every detail of this moment. I never want to forget this, I never want to forget her.


	8. The Way I'll Forever Be

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [MAJOR TW- Suicide. Language.]

“Merry Christmas, miss! Come on, only one dollar per ball. All you gotta do is knock the blocks off the platform.” A booth worker hollers out to us.  


The sky is murky and it’s chilly, so I’ve got on a sweater and a scarf. Val holds onto my arm as we walk with Ella, Varsity, Ray, and Oz past the booth.  


“Let’s get some food first. I’m starving,” Oz says.  


“Two years ago, when I first moved here, I went with my parents and the food was great. I played a few booth games and won a fish. I was so proud; I think I named it All-Star or something,” I say and Ella bursts out laughing.  


“All-Star?” she repeats and I nod.  


“Yeah, but it like died a few days later so…” Val and Oz join Ella laughing.  


“Remind me to never let you take care of my dog,” Ray jokes with a warm smile.  


“Same with Berdy,” Ella adds.  


“You have a dog? I want to meet ‘em. I promise I won’t kill ‘em,” I laugh out.  


“Oh, yes. You have to meet Moe; she’s the sweetest dog ever,” Val joins.  


We grab some food and sit at a table. I’m sharing a slice of pizza with Val because I know she won’t eat much. She hasn’t been able to kick her eating disorder, but it’s a work in progress.  


After eating, we played booth games and rode on the carnival rides. The night seemed to pass by too quickly. We found ourselves hanging out at a late-night coffee shop, talking and joking with each other.  


I completely forgot about my history with Varsity, like I finally let it go. It didn’t bother me that he was with Ella anymore. Or maybe I just felt guilty for kissing Ella, and letting go of what he did was a way for me to repay him for lying and cheating.  


I can forget about Ella and Varsity, but I can’t get Val off my mind. Everytime I see Ella, I think of how her body felt against mine. Everytime I see her, I see Val as well. The thought of lying and hurting Val is eating away at me, but I keep going back to Ella.  


“Maev?” Val waves her hand in front of my face to catch my attention. Our group split after a while and I had to drive Val back to her apartment.  


“Sorry, what?” I snap into focus and notice the cars behind me honking. I push my foot on the pedal too hard and send the car speeding forward.  


“Is everything okay?” She places her hand on my arm.  


“Yeah, I just spaced out. Nothing to worry about. Do you wanna stop for a snack? You didn’t eat anything all night,” I ask, trying to change the subject.  


“No, I’m not really hungry.”  


“Val, you know you can’t keep avoiding this. Eating is part of your recovery; it’s not just about your addiction.”  


“I know,” Val seems frustrated. “I just can’t eat. I end up throwing everything up. It’s like my body just doesn’t want it.”  


“I’m sorry; I just wanted to help.”  


“You are helping.”  


“I’m feel like I’m just pushing you. You don’t have to do this if you don’t want to.”  


“No, I want to. It’s just not that easy.”  


“Of course not. Nothing’s easy. You think it was easy for me to smile and talk to Varsity just now? It’s taken me months to get to where I am now.”  


“What do you or Varsity have to do with this?”  


“I’m just saying that it seems like you’re not even trying,” I mumble. I park the car in front of Val’s apartment and turn off the engine.  


“What? You don’t get to decide if I’m trying or not, I do.”  


“That’s not what I meant,” I try to ease as Val gets out of the car.  


“Val,” I call out. She slams the car door and enters her apartment. “Valerie!”  


I sit in my car, gripping the steering wheel. _Maybe she’ll come back out. Or should I go inside? Why did I say that? My god, you fucking idiot. You screwed it up. It’s your fault, your fault, your fault._  


I decide to leave. _It’s late, I shouldn’t stay out so late_ , I tell myself.  


When I get home, I lock myself in my bedroom. My parents don’t care; I do this all the time. I put on earbuds and turn up the music to forget about Val—no, forget about me. It’s my fault anyway, right? I always have to do this to myself. I can’t even have one night out without screwing things over.  


Tears fall from my eyes, but I don’t care to wipe them from my face. _My fault, my fault my fault!_ I push my head into a pillow to keep from making noise. I can’t stop replaying the conversation in my head. I shouldn’t have brought it up. What’s wrong with me?  


——  


“Come over,” I say into the phone. I couldn’t sleep last night; I couldn’t even stop crying. My eyes are red and itchy, but I don’t care.  


Ella softly laughs into the phone. “That’s a little blunt.”  


“How would you like me to put it?” My voice is hoarse and scratchy, unlike Ella’s.  


“Um, how about: oh, Ella. I feel so lifeless and lonely without your adoring company. Please, please, please come over yonder and rid me of my pain,” Ella jokes in a distressed voice.  


I force a laugh to amuse her. “Do I need to go find you or are you coming?”  


“I’ll be there.”  


I splash water over my face in an attempt to fix my appearance, but I still look dead. I’m in sweatpants and a t-shirt, nothing fancy. I don’t feel like dressing up today.  


Maybe I should’ve called Val instead of Ella. I shake off the thought, telling myself that she needs time to cool down.  


A couple minutes later, I hear Ella ring the doorbell and I open the door for her. I immediately pull her inside and kiss her lips. She wraps her arms around me and smiles into the kiss.  


“Wow, someone’s eager,” Ella whispers when I pull back. I smile and kiss her again.  


“You just can’t get enough of me.”  


“Please, don’t pride yourself,” I laugh. We head into my bedroom and lay on the bed. Suddenly, I remember Val and can’t get her off my mind. I put on some music, hoping the tunes would make me forget, but it doesn’t work.  


“Are things awkward with you and Sam?” I ask out of nowhere.  


“No, why would it be?”  


“Because you kissed me? I mean, didn’t the last guy you dated cheat on you? Did that have no effect on you?”  


“Does it bother you? Do you feel awkward around Val?” Ella dodges my question.  


“I mean, shouldn’t it bother everyone?”  


Ella shrugs. “Then why did you call me, Maev? Why did you kiss me right when I arrived? And why are we laying in bed together?”  


I don’t know. I don’t know anything anymore. Why did I do those things? Why did I say those things? It’s almost as if I’m not controlling myself anymore, like I’m just a puppet—just a body. And everything’s turning to shit because of me. It’s my fault, my fault, my fault.  


“Maev?” My fault, my fault, my fault.  


“Shut up!” I storm out of the room and into the kitchen with Ella on my heels. I need my meds. I struggle with the lid and pop the pills onto the floor.  


“No! No, no no.” I fall to my knees and try to gather them up, but they’re sprawled out everywhere. Ella kneels by my side and grabs my arm.  


“Maev, calm down. Here take one.” She hands me a pill from the floor.  


“No, I need more.” I grab a handful and try to bring it to my mouth, but Ella stops me.  


“Maev, no!” She tears my hand away from my mouth and pins me on the ground.  


“I can’t do it anymore! Ella, help me,” I breathe out. My arms give in and I lay there with tears in my eyes and pain in my voice.  


“Just let me go,” I whisper, breathless.  


“Maev, listen to me. You can’t go, not now. There’s so much more you have to live for. There’s so much out there that you have yet to see. What about your favorite tv show that plays every Tuesday night at nine? What about that feeling you get when you’re with Val? Hell, what about meeting Ray’s dog, Moe?  


“Live, Maev. Hold on to those little things that you look forward to, even if it’s as stupid as petting a dog. Live for that moment. And when that moment ends, find another dog to pet. And just hold on. Please, Maev, hold on.”  


“I can’t,” I cry out.  


“You can and you will, Maev. This isn’t it; this isn’t the end. I know it feels bad—it’s terrible—but you will smile again and everything will be alright. Trust me, if only for today, just trust me.” She pulls me into a hug, but I still feel like shit. Nothing she says matters—nothing anyone says matters anymore.  


“Here, take one and go to bed. I’ll clean this up.” Ella hands me a pill, which I swallow, and sends me on my way.  


By the time I reach my bed, my tears have dried up. Is it worth it? Are those little things worth holding on to like Ella says? I stare at the ceiling, frozen in place.  


After a few minutes, Ella enters the room, but I don’t move a muscle. I’ve never done that before. I’ve never actually tried to swallow a handful of pills. Everything hurts so much it’s scaring me. I don’t know if I really want to live anymore.  


“I wish you understood what it feels like to live in my head, to hear the thoughts I hear and to feel the urges I feel because I don’t want to be crazy to you. And I wish you will never understand what it feels like to live in my head because it’s the worst burden of all,” I whisper, unable to produce more than a squeak.  


“You’re not crazy to me. I get it,” she replies softly.  


“No, you don’t. You don’t understand why it takes me five minutes of preparation just to order a simple burger at McDonald’s. You don’t understand how many times I repeat my order in my head to make sure I don’t stutter or screw up or how, when I do screw up, I panic and can’t utter a single word. You don’t understand how I can’t even talk to you or Val without my palms sweating or my heart pumping.  


“I mean, Val’s my fucking girlfriend and I get nervous around her. Having to constantly live like this—it’s exhausting. With all the shit that’s wrong with me, there’s no wonder why I hate myself.”  


“Maev—” she begins, but I cut her off.  


“I’m just trying so hard and nothing seems to work. Everything is shit, I know that now. So, I’m sorry if I can’t fucking hold on any longer.”  


When Ella doesn’t respond, I get under the covers and close my eyes. “I’m going to sleep. You can leave if you want and don’t worry, I won’t try anything.” I’m lying. I don’t know that. One moment I can be high with happiness and the next I can be bawling my eyes out. My mood shifts so quick I can’t tell what I’m going to do next.  


The last thing I remember before drifting off to sleep is Ella’s soft voice saying, “You don’t have to apologize. None of this is your fault.”  


——  


When I wake up, I can still feel Ella’s presence in the house. I check the time and it’s just past noon; I slept the whole morning away. I follow the sound of the tv into the living room, where I find Ella. She notices me hovering and turns off the tv.  


“You’re up. How are you feeling?”  


I put my thumb up and Ella nods in response and we grow silent. I feel like shit acting the way I did in front of her. Before today, the only person I ever broke down in front of was Val.  


I can’t get Ella’s words out of my head. _You don’t have to apologize. None of this is your fault._ I wish I believed her.  


“You want to go out for lunch?” Ella breaks the silence.  


I shrug, not wanting to speak.  


“Come on. You must be starving and it’ll be good to get out of the house. Maybe getting active is just what you need to pull yourself together.” Or just what I need to get my anxiety going and have another mental breakdown.  


She pulls me onto my feet and we head out. I don’t even bother changing out of my sweats, but I don’t care. That’s the least of my worries.  


We arrive at the restaurant and take our seats. Ella didn’t speak to me the entire car ride. _She hates you; she thinks you’re crazy now._  


“What do you want? I’ll treat.” She leans her elbows on the table and watches me, but I keep my eyes down. I shrug and Ella slumps her shoulders.  


“Really? Don’t take this out on me.”  


I shrug again, not in the mood to hold a conversation. I don’t speak to Ella the entire meal, but that doesn’t stop her from going on. She mainly talks about Varsity, which I don’t mind.  


She drops me off at Val’s apartment when it’s time for her piano lesson. I’m guessing it’s because she doesn’t trust me home alone after what I attempted. When we get there, I head into Val’s bedroom while she and Ella talk for a while. I know Ella’s telling Val about my breakdown, but I don’t try to stop her. There’s no point in denying it.  


After five minutes, I hear the front door shut and turn my back towards the door so I won’t have to see Val’s disappointed face. I hear her soft footsteps approaching me and the bed squeak when she climbs on top of it. Her arms wrap around me and she plants a dry kiss on the side of my neck. I almost smile at the smell of her lemony hair.  


“Are you alright?” she whispers. I shrug her off and sit up on the bed. I play with her fingers, refusing to look her in the eye.  


“I—I’m trying.” My voice cracks in the silence; it’s deafening.  


Val laughs to shake the uneasiness we’re both feeling, but it sounds forced, like trying to break the ice. “I don’t know what to say. What could I possibly say to convince you not to do these things? Suicide? Is that what you want?” I cringe at the word. Hearing it out loud is much harder than in my head. Val sits up next to me.  


“Is this supposed to make me feel better?” I say, barely audible.  


“I don’t know. Just tell me what I could say or do to make you feel better. Is it about yesterday? Because it’s no big deal.”  


“That’s the thing.” I feel my voice strengthen. “Nothing’s really a big deal anymore. I just tried to down a whole bottle of pills, but that doesn’t matter. It’s no big deal. Every second that I’m still alive makes me hate myself more and more, but it’s no big deal.  


“It’s like nothing really matters. Everything feels the same. There’s no point in life anymore. So you can save your big, motivating speech because I heard it from Ella already.”  


Val leans in and kisses me on the lips. She places her hand on my jaw, just under my ear, and her other hand comes with mine, our fingers intertwining. I try pulling away, but she always brings me back.  


She breaks the kiss and leans her forehead against mine. “Tell me you didn’t feel anything. Tell me you hate me and that there’s absolutely nothing that will help you. Tell me how miserable you are and I’ll hand you those fucking pills myself.” She pulls back and I feel lost without her touch.  


“Val…”  


“No, if this is how you want to treat yourself then there’s nothing I can do to stop you. Ella and I can’t be by your side all the time, Maev.”  


“I don’t know what you want me to do. I can’t help feeling like this. Do you think I want to constantly hate myself? Like I want to do these things to myself because I think it’ll be fun? I feel like shit and I thought you of all people would understand where I’m at.”  


“Yes, I completely understand how you feel and that’s why I’m pushing you. I was exactly where you are now and if I let you think for a second that this fight is going to be a walk in the park, then you’re gone forever and I can’t let that happen. What you’re feeling now is nothing. Wait for the thoughts that creep up late at night telling you that holding on really isn’t worth it. Wait for those thoughts to find its way into the day time. And then wait for them to consume you; it’ll feel like those words are all you are.  


“Wait for the days where you have to force yourself to get out of the house so you won’t try anything. Wait for the thoughts to be so severe, even the music you turn up in your room can’t cover them. Wait until it’s six am on a Monday morning and you’re eyes are dry and scratchy and your legs are so tired you can barely hold yourself up because you haven’t slept in three days for the fear that you’ll have that same nightmare again. You know, the one where you attempt to kill yourself again, except you succeed and you’re gone forever. And you were wrong about wanting to die because it’s much worse than you thought, but when you wake up, you’ll still be reaching for that damn knife.” Val’s breathing heavily and I’m scared at what she might do next.  


She takes a deep breath to compose herself before saying, “So I need to know that you’re willing to put up a real fight because I don’t want to waste my time trying to save a lost cause. This isn’t about anybody else; this is about you.”  


——  


The painting on Alex's wall hasn’t moved, but his entire room has been remodeled. Everything has shifted and I feel lost in the new space. I sit on a recliner chair facing Alex’s desk. The walls are now painted a dark blue, which contrasts to the pastel painting hung behind his desk. The sailboat in the painting seems to have shrunk since the last time I was here; maybe it’s just my eyes playing tricks on me.  


“I know things may seem a little unfamiliar, but you’ll warm up to it in no time.” Alex smiles. “So, let’s start simple. How are you feeling?”  


I lean back on the chair and shrug. “Fine, I guess.” I can’t let Alex know about what I did yesterday; that has to stay between Ella, Val, and me.  


“Anything interesting happen the past couple of days?”  


“No.”  


Alex watches me for a second before saying, “Okay, I want to try this new technique to maybe help you. Hopefully, you’ll improve and we can take you off some meds—or at least cut back a little. Please close your eyes.”  


I stare at him. “Really? I’m not doing that.”  


“Maev, I’ve tried this method on many of my patients and it works surprisingly well. At least give it a try.”  


“I guess you’ll have to find a new method for me then.”  


“Are you sure you’re feeling okay?”  


“I’m fine.”  


“Okay, then how about you just visualize what you did this morning. Tell me about it.”  


“I woke up and came here.”  


“Can you tell me in more detail? How did you feel? What did you have for breakfast?”  


“I felt fine and I had a bagel.”  


Alex closes his notebook and stands up. He begins pacing around the room. “Maev, if you’re not going to cooperate, I can’t help you.”  


“Maybe I don’t need help anymore.”  


“I haven’t seen any improvement in the past couple months and I’m sure your parents won’t allow you to stop treatment in this state. If you want to get better, you have to talk to me.  


“Now, if you don’t like the new technique that’s fine. But we have to try something else because your condition hasn’t changed in months. We need to try new things until we find something effective.”  


“No, I don’t need you anymore.” It takes all the energy I have left in me to get off the recliner I’m sitting on. Alex doesn’t stop me; he knows he can’t. I close the front door behind me and it’s over.  


——  


“When was the last time you went to work?” Ella sits across me at the diner with a milkshake in front of her. She invited me out for dinner. The diner is empty aside from the two of us. Over the table, I lightly brush my fingers along her palm.  


“I quit since November. Things were just too much with everything that happened with Sam. I didn’t feel like I could go back there.”  


Ella holds my hand. “I’m really sorry about Sam.”  


“No, don’t worry about it. It was a long time ago; I’m over it,” I reassure her.  


“Okay. Hey, do you wanna go out for breakfast with me tomorrow morning?”  


I pause at the question. “You mean like a date?”  


“Yeah, why not?”  


“Um, not really.” Going on an official date with Ella would make me feel more guilty about cheating on Val.  


“Why? I thought it would be fun, like a cute couple thing.”  


“We’re not a couple.”  


“Are you still hung up on Val?”  


“Hung up? She’s my girlfriend.”  


“Haven’t we had this conversation before? You go ‘oh no, but what about Val?’ and then I ask you why you’re holding my hand and then you shut up and kiss me.” Ella’s smiling like it’s a joke.  


“I really need to know if this means anything at all.” I don’t smile back. This has really been bothering me.  


“You and me?” Ella asks.  


“Yeah, I mean, your last boyfriend cheated on you, but this doesn’t seem to faze you. Why?”  


“What I’m doing is different—”  


“Let me stop you right there. It is not different.”  


“Wow, you sure know how to speak up for someone who has a social anxiety disorder.”  


I grow silent and Ella says, “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that.”  


“I need to get home. My parents are waiting for me.” I get out of the seat.  


“I thought you said you’re parents were gonna be out all night.” Ella tries to catch my hand, but I pull away.  


“Maev, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that.” Yeah, but you thought it and that’s what matters.  


I leave her without looking back.  


When I get home, I realize I’m alone for the first time since I tried to swallow a handful of pills. I walk to my room, not bothering to turn on any lights, and tear off my jacket, throwing it on the bed. My hands are shaking and I can barely breathe. I don’t trust myself.  


_Do it. Do it now. No one cares if you leave. Did you see the way Ella treated you? She doesn’t care._  


“No, Ella cares; Val cares,” I say to myself.  


_You think Val will still care about you when she finds out what you’ve been doing behind her back? You’re cheating on her. That’s unforgivable. She’ll never want to see you again._  


“No, she loves me and I love her.” _You’ll see how much she loves you after knowing how stained your lips are._  


“You’re wrong, you’re wrong, you’re wrong,” I breathe out. I pace back and forth in the dark. I force myself to hold onto a book so I won’t grab a knife or some pills. _White Oleander_. Tears are falling down my cheeks and I use my shirt to wipe them away.  


This must be the beginning of what Val was talking about, the beginning of the thoughts that take over my life.  


I scream and throw the book across the room. It crashes against my desk and I hear something fall to the floor—I don’t know what. I can barely see through the dark. I hold my hands out in front of me, trying to steady them.  


_Think about it. You don’t have to stay here. It would be so simple to just slit your wrists than to fight this. It’s so easy to just swallow all those pills and go to sleep._  


“Shut up. I have to stay here.” _That’s bullshit and you know it. You don’t believe anything you’re telling yourself. There’s no point in trying to fight this. You can’t win._  


I put in the CD Val gave to me, turn the music up, and jump under the covers. If I go to sleep, I won’t be able to hurt myself. I need to stay here. I need to stay for Val and I need to stay for myself.


	9. There's Blood On The Covers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [MAJOR TW- Drugs. Suicide. Language.]

Early the next morning, I hear a knock at the door; I wasn’t expecting Ella or Val. I’m home alone—my parents already left for work.  


“My god, it’s like six in the morning. Who is at the door?” I mumble to myself, half awake. I brush my hair and splash some water on my face to wake myself up before answering the door.  


“Ray?” I ask, confused. I didn’t know he knew where I lived.  


He pushes past me and into my house. I close the door behind him. When I face him, he’s pacing back and forth in a quiet, disciplined way. His head is down, his shoulders are broad, and his hands are balled up in fists.  


“How do you know where I live?”  


“Val told me. You remember Val, right? Or have you completely forgotten about your girlfriend?” Ray’s voice is low, but deadly.  


“I don’t know what’s going on.”  


“Oh, you’re gold.” Ray turns and faces me. His jaw is clenched and his eyes are red, as if he hardly got any sleep last night. His beard has grown since I last saw him.  


“Tell me that wasn’t you and Ella I saw last night at the diner. Tell me I was dreaming and that you aren’t cheating on my sister.” His voice is almost pleading now, like he doesn’t want to believe it. I’m speechless, I had no idea Ray was there.  


“You were the one good thing that ever happened to Val. Every time you’re with her she’s smiling. What is wrong with you? How could you do that?”  


“Ray, I didn’t mean to—”  


“Of course not. Nobody ever means to, but they do it anyway. Do you know how many nights she’s called me up and told me about you? How you make her feel? How she trusted you and gave you everything she could?”  


“I’ll make it better. I’ll break it off with Ella. Val won’t ever have to know. Everything’ll be okay.” I take a few steps toward him.  


“No, you’re not hiding this from Val. You’re going to tell her everything. She has to know. You gave her the strength to quit her addiction. She’s doing so much better now and you’re taking all that away.”  


“Which is exactly why she shouldn’t know. If I tell her, she might spiral back into her addiction and we both don’t want that to happen.”  


“If you really didn’t want that to happen, you wouldn’t have done this to her.”  


“Ray, please, you have to believe that I didn’t want to hurt her. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. It’s like something takes over me. I was powerless; it wasn’t my fault.”  


“Listen, either you tell Val or I will. You have until tonight.”  


“What about Ella?”  


“I don’t give a damn about Ella. I want just Val to know the truth.” He storms out of the house, slamming the door behind him.  


I fall onto the couch, unable to hold myself up. _What have I done?_ How could I have let this go on for so long? This is my fault.  


In the corner of my eye, I see the small, orange bottle of pills sitting on the kitchen counter. I walk up and grab it. _Think of how much easier things would be._ I pop open the cap and stare down at the solid, white pills. _You could stop everything right now._ I pour a handful onto my palm and continue staring at them. _You won’t have to worry ever again._  


I close my eyes and take a deep breath. I can fix this. I stuff the pills back into the bottle and dial Ella’s number on my phone. Maybe she can tell me what to do. _Remember what she said last night. She made fun of you; she hates you._  


I end the call before she even picks up. She hates me. She doesn’t hate me. My mind's playing tricks on me. No one can help me with this—this is my own fault.  


——  


I sit in my car, parked just outside of Val’s house. I’ve been sitting here for at least a couple hours now and I can’t exit the car. I keep thinking of what could happen when I tell Val and none of the outcomes are even remotely good.  


She'll never forgive me if I tell her and I don't want to lose her yet. I start the car and drive away from Val’s apartment.  


I find myself on the bench at the playground, watching the little kids chase each other around. It takes my mind off of Val, which I never thought would be relieving. I smile as I watch a group of children play tag around the playground. I can’t remember the last time I played tag or how it must’ve felt to run around without a care in the world.  


“Hey, kiddo.” I hear a deep, rough voice say and feel a large hand grasp my shoulder. When I turn around, I find a familiar face that makes me smile.  


“Baker. It’s so great to see you.” I stand up and wrap both my arms around him. We take a seat on the bench.  


“What are you doing here? I never thought I’d find you here,” Baker asks.  


Clearly you don’t know me well. “I go here whenever I need to think and be alone.”  


“Crowded place to want to be alone at.”  


“Well, I usually come at night.”  


“So why are you here now?”  


I sigh and lean back into the bench, wanting to hide from the question. “I fucked up really bad. I actually think I screwed up the only good thing in my life. I, uh, cheated on my girlfriend and her brother found out.”  


“Wow, you really dug yourself a hole. Weren’t you really adamant about cheating before?”  


“I know but I never thought I could feel so much for two different people. I always thought you could only truly love one person at a time.”  


“Why?”  


“I don’t know. I never really knew a lot about love.”  


“Did you tell her?” Baker gazes at me for a second before looking back at playground.  


“What?”  


“Did you tell your girlfriend what happened?”  


“Not yet. I’m scared. I don’t want things to end. With Val, I feel like I’m happy for the first time in my life. I just wish I could feel that way forever.”  


Baker leans in close to me. “Listen, I know how terrible breakups are and I don’t want to pressure you into anything, but you have to tell her. If there’s two things a relationship must have, it’s trust and honesty. Clearly, she’s trusting you to have your own space and be close with other people. You just need to be honest for her.”  


I nod, not wanting to talk about it anymore. “So you have kids?”  


“Yeah, see the little cutie with the blue shirt?” Baker points to a girl running up and down the platform.  


“She seems lovely.” I smile at how unbelievably happy the child is. I’m jealous.  


“Well, time to ruin my relationship with my favorite person in the world,” I say in the most cheerful tone I can manage. I get off the bench, finally ready to attack the conversation with Val.  


“Maev, just remember: everything will be okay.” I really hope so.  


——  


I knock on the door three times and it takes Val exactly twenty-two seconds to open it. My breaths are short and shallow while hers are long and deep. I take five steps into Val’s apartment and stare at the wall. I can’t look at her.  


Val’s talking, but I’m not listening. I can’t concentrate. She notices my hands shaking and grabs them. Her hands her soft and cold while mine are sweaty. I finally muster up the courage to look her in the eye. She looks worried.  


“Are you okay, Maev? What’s going on?”  


“There’s something you should know.” My voice is shaky, but strong enough for Val to hear.  


“What is it?” She doesn’t look worried anymore; I can’t read her expression.  


“You should probably sit down.”  


“Just tell me.” Her voice is demanding now.  


“I did something really bad, Val. Something really, really bad and I don’t think you’ll forgive me. I don’t think you _should_ forgive me.”  


“Maev, it’s alright. I’m sure whatever you did wasn’t that bad.”  


“I lied to you. I’ve been seeing Ella. I lied and I cheated and I’m a terrible person and I really wish you don’t hate me.”  


Val drops my hand and stares blankly at the ground.  


“Val? Please, say something. I swear I didn’t mean for it to go that far. I didn’t know what I was doing. It just happened.” I reach for her hand, but she pulls away.  


“You didn’t mean for it to go that far? How far did you want it to go?” Her voice quiet, like she’s barely holding in her anger.  


“I mean, I didn’t want it to happen. It just did. Val, you know I love you and I would never want to hurt you, ever.”  


“Please, leave.” She turns and begins to walk away from me.  


I jump in front of her and say, “Val, please. Just hear me out. I—”  


“You didn’t mean for it to happen. It just did, I know. Now, leave.”  


I step closer to her, but she takes a step back from me, disgusted. “Is this it for us then?” I plead.  


“I just want to be alone right now! I need to think. I don’t understand why you would do that. I just—you can’t be here. I need time.” Val finally shows some emotion: her breathing becomes heavier, her jaw is clenched, and she won’t look at me. I’m taken back by her booming voice.  


“Okay, I’ll go. But I really am sorry.” I walk out of her apartment and sit in my car.  


I can’t stop myself from crying. My vision becomes blurry from the tears. I punch the steering wheel over and over again, angry at myself. _My fault, my fault, my fault. Everything’s always my fucking fault!_  


I wipe my tears and speed away. I don’t want to think about this, but I can’t stop seeing the look on Val’s face when I told her what I did. _You fucking idiot. Why do you always have to screw up everything good in your life?_  


I drive onto the highway. I don’t know where I’m going, but I don’t want to be anywhere near anyone. I want to scream. I want to jump off a cliff. I want to fucking kill myself.  


My car swerves back and forth in the lane as I wipe the tears from my eyes. Maybe I’ll get lucky and crash this fucking car.  


——  


I end up at a lake. It was an hour drive and by the time I arrived, I had calmed down a little more. The sun is beginning to go down, but I get out of the car and begin hiking along the trail, leaving my phone in the car. I didn’t plan for this trip, so my beer-stained sneakers sink in the snow, but the only thing I can think about is Val.  


There’s barely anyone walking the trails because it’s getting late. Those who are still walking are on their way out, which means I finally get to be alone.  


I should’ve said something else to Val. I kept on repeating myself over and over again like a broken record. I should’ve proved to her that I deserve a second chance. _Do I deserve a second chance?_ I know that if Val cheated on me, I would’ve never given her a second glance. How am I not any different than everyone else?  


Before I know it, I reach the end of the trail. The frozen lake spreads out beyond the trail, giving a beautiful scenery. I clear some snow off the ground and sit against a tree trunk, just a couple feet away from the ice.  


The sun is hiding behind the trees in the distance, but the sky is still pink. There’s no more than a few minutes of daylight left. I think about leaving quickly to avoid walking back in the dark, but I can’t begin to get up with the view in front of me.  


I don’t say anything or think about anything; I just stare at the water, at peace with myself for once. Here, I am the little kids running around the playground, chasing each other. There’s no need to put up a front for others; I can just let go.  


The sun goes down and stars illuminate the night sky. It gets chilly, so I get up and pace back and forth, not ready to go back, yet.  


I walk to the lake and put my shoe on the cold, hard ice. It makes a muffled tapping sound and I put my entire sneaker on the ice, pushing down to see if it’ll hold my weight. The ice doesn’t budge, so I slowly step onto it. I tiptoe out farther into the lake and smile as my feet slide along the surface.  


I bend down and stare at the bottom of the lake; it’s frozen all the way through. I slide my finger along the cold surface and my smile fades. _This is it._ I fall to my knees on the rock hard ice. _It’s just me again; it will always just be me._ Tears well up in my eyes. _I’m alone again, like I was always meant to be._ I break down in tears, unable to hold back anymore.  


I grab my head, trying to rid myself of the thoughts. Every part of my body is aching. I can’t hold myself up; I don’t want to.  


“Please, just let it be over.”  


——  


By the time I get off the ice, it’s pitch black out. My eyes are red and puffy and my legs can barely drag me back to the ground. I walk around with my hands out, unable to see more than a few feet in front of me. My hands touch a cold, snow-covered tree trunk and I sit against it. Maybe if I stay out here overnight I won’t wake up in the morning; maybe that’s better for everyone.  


——  


When I wake up, everything’s white. _Is it over?_ I can’t feel my body—I can’t feel anything but the cold. When I get up, my muscles ache. My eyes focus and I realize I’m in a bedroom. The walls are white and the bed sheets are white. There’s little furniture in the room, but it gives off a sophisticated ambience, like this room alone costs hundreds of thousands of dollars.  


The clock on the nightstand reads eight o’clock in the morning, but where am I? I throw off the covers and shiver as if I’m thawing from the night before. I place my feet on the ground; there are feet warmers in the floor. I walk to the window and look outside. Everything is covered in snow and the sun is hidden behind a sky full of clouds.  


I don’t notice my change of clothes until I see myself in the full-body mirror standing next to the window. I’m wearing a cozy, grey, plaid pajama pant and a white t-shirt without a bra. My hair smells like coconut; somebody must’ve bathed me.  


There are paintings hung on the wall. One is of blue waves in the ocean. Chunks of thick paint stick out of the canvas, creating a 3D-like feel. I reach out and feel the small, hard bumps of the waves, imagining what it would feel like to have the water run through my cold hands.  


Another painting steals my attention from the waves; it’s of a black splatter, as if the artist dumped the can of paint on the canvas. There are hints of white peeking along the edge of the canvas—spots where the paint couldn’t quite reach. On top of the black, there’s a mess of all three primary colors mixed together. Red, yellow, blue; all the colors mixed like one big blob. It didn’t match; it was out of tune from the rest of the room. Why would you put a loud, black mess in a quiet, beautiful room?  


I slowly open the door and peek out of the room. There’s a hallway with a few doors on the side. I walk to the end of the hallway, which opens up into a den. I can hear soft music playing elsewhere in the house. Other than that, the house is dead quiet.  


I follow the music around the gigantic house until I reach the kitchen. There’s a man standing in front of the stove with his back turned to me, beautifully singing along with the music. His black hair is turning grey near the sides of his head.  


“Hello?” I croak and cough. I rub my throat; the cold must’ve really affected my throat. It feels as it did after Varsity choked me.  


The man turns around and stares blankly at me for a second before realizing who I was. His dark skin is filled with wrinkles running through his forehead. He looks as old as my dad.  


“Oh, good morning. How are you feeling?” He goes back to cooking and I shuffle next to him.  


“I’m fine.”  


“You don’t sound that fine. Here, have some water.” The man grabs a clear glass from the cabinet and pours some water into the cup before handing it to me.  


I drain the glass and my throat feels warmer. “Thank you.”  


“No problem. I’m Axel. Would you like some food? I’m making scrambled eggs and pancakes.”  


“Sure. I’m Maev,” I say, uneasily.  


“You’re lucky I was out for a walk this morning. If I hadn’t brought you back here, you might’ve died in the snow.” That was the point.  


I rub my hands together, trying to produce warmth. “You cleaned me up?”  


“Oh, no. Don’t worry, that was my daughter. She wouldn’t let me so much as take off your jacket. Which, by the way, is currently in the washer, if you don’t mind.”  


“No, uh, thank you.”  


“No need to thank me. What were you doing out there anyway?” Axel swiftly slides the eggs onto a clean, white plate.  


Trying to die. “It was dark and I just got lost.”  


He pours pancake batter onto the pan. “You should be more careful; you’re playing with fire.” Ironic. “Well, breakfast is just about ready. Can you get my daughter out for me? 

She’s just down the hall—second door to the right.”  


I walk down the hall, feeling warmer than I did before. When I open the door, Axel’s daughter is sitting on her bed scribbling something down on a paper. She looks to be about my age. Her long, brown hair is propped up in a messy bun, reminding me of Val. She’s got flawless, dark skin, which compliments her dark brown eyes.  


“Oh, hey, you’re up. How are you?” Her voice is quirky, but not in a bad way.  


“I’m alright. Uh, breakfast is ready.”  


She closes her book and jumps off the bed. “Oh, I’m so sorry, I didn’t introduce myself. I’m Ash.” She holds her hand out.  


“Maev Clary.” I shake her hand and she scrunches her nose.  


“Wow, your hands are cold.”  


“Sorry.” I pull my hand back.  


“No, don’t be. We can just put on the fireplace.” We walk down the hall, toward the dining room.  


“Thanks for washing me up.” I guess.  


“Well, your clothes were freezing cold and you were practically covered in dirt. It was really no problem. And I love your name, Maev Clary.” Val said that to me too; it feels like a lifetime ago. She smiles and of course the girl who nurtured me back to health is gorgeous.  


Ash starts a fire in the fireplace even though the house was already pumping heat through the vents in an effort to warm me up. Now, the house instantly feels warmer. We sit at the dining table, where Axel has set up three plates and a pile of pancakes and eggs.  


“So what were you doing out in the snow like that?” Ash asks once we’ve begun eating.  


“I got lost at night. It’s no big deal.” I brush off, but Ash watches me, skeptically.  


“You didn’t have anything on you aside from your clothes and keys,” she announces.  


“Yeah, I was going on a hike and I didn’t want to take anything with me. All my stuff is in my car.”  


“And you wore sneakers to go hiking?” The conversation is starting to seem more like an interrogation.  


“I wasn’t planning to hike. It just happened.” My tone of voice must’ve made her back off because she stopped asking questions.  


We finish eating and Ash invites me into her room as my clothes finish drying.  


“So you don’t come to the lake very often.”  


“No, I’ve probably been here once before. I live in Atlanta.”  


“Wow, that’s a far drive to go hiking.” She sits on her bed.  


“Yeah, I just wanted to get away from home for a while.” I look at the paintings hung up on her wall. I recognize one; it instantly catches my attention. It’s the pastel painting of the lonely sailboat, the same one as Alex’s.  


“I like this painting. It was hung in my therapist’s room.”  


“Therapist?” Ash walks up next to me.  


Damn. “Oh, yeah. I’m kinda fucked up.”  


“There’s nothing wrong with having a therapist. I have one.”  


I turn toward her. “What for? I mean, if you don’t mind me asking.”  


“I was diagnosed with schizophrenia a couple years ago. It got so bad that I couldn’t stay in public school and I basically lost all my friends.”  


“It was that bad?”  


“Yeah, but it’s better now. How about you?”  


“Uh, you know, personal reasons.” I don’t feel comfortable talking about personal things with strangers. It’s hard enough to tell my closest friends.  


Ash stares at me for a while, then grabs my hand. “You’re warmer now.”  


“Yes, thank you for that.” I try to smile, but it quickly fades.  


Axel knocks on the open door and says, “Maev, you’re clothes are finished.”  


I pull my hand from Ash and grab my clothes. “Thank you.”  


“You can change in the bathroom across the hall.” Axel points to the door directly across from Ash’s room and leaves us alone. I head into the bathroom and quickly change from the cozy pajamas to my stiff street clothes.  


When I come out, Ash is back on her bed, scribbling in her book.  


“I’m going to head out now. Thank you for everything. I probably would’ve died if not for you and your dad,” I say, standing in the threshold.  


Ash gets out of bed and walks to me with a smile. “No problem. And I wanted to give you this.” She grabs the pastel painting, which I just notice was sitting on her desk, and hands it to me.  


“Oh, you don’t have to, really.”  


“Don’t say anything. Just take it.” She pulls me into a hug and I stiffen.  


When she lets go, she says, “Whatever you’ve got going on, you can get through it.” I don’t know why everyone repeats that to me.  


Ash walks me to my car. We don’t talk the entire way there, but I feel comfortable around her. I never feel that way around a stranger. When we reach the car, I thank her once again.  


“Drive safely.” She smiles and watches me get into the car and drive away. Although she never explicitly said it, I feel like she knew why I was passed out overnight in the snow. She knew exactly what I was trying to do to myself.  


I completely forget about my phone until it begins ringing as I drive. It must’ve been going off all night long. I never told my parents I would be out all night, but it’s not my parents calling—it’s Ella.  


“Hey.”  


“Oh my god, Maev. Where have you been? I’ve been trying to reach you for hours.” Ella’s exasperated voice comes through the line.  


“Why? What’s wrong?”  


“I should be asking you that. Your parents called me, said you didn’t come home last night. I visited Val, hoping you would be with her, but she wouldn’t even say your name. We’ve all been searching for you. After hearing you weren’t with Val, I got scared that you might’ve hurt yourself.”  


I laugh dryly. “I didn’t. You don’t have to worry. I just got in a fight with Val and went for a hike to clear my mind. I left my phone in the car and couldn’t reach it until the morning. By the way, how were my parents? Did they sound really mad?”  


“They were really scared, but I think they’ll be more relieved you’re okay than mad at you for ditching one night with them. Where are you now?”  


“I’m heading back home for a change of clothes. Can we meet in person tonight? We need to talk.”  


——  


We decide to meet at the playground and I arrive first. With extra time to spare, I finally have time to clearly think over me and Val without having anger or sadness cloud my thoughts. I really wish she would just talk to me.  


I lie down on the platform and look up at the stars; I can barely make out the constellations. After what feels like hours of waiting, I start to drift off to sleep. Ella shakes me awake and I sit up.  


“Where were you? We agreed to meet about an hour ago. I can’t stay out late; my parents gave me a curfew now after the stunt I pulled last night,” I mumble sleepily.  


“Sorry, I got caught up with Sam. So, how were your parents?”  


“I told them what happened. Honestly, I think they just don’t care what I do anymore. They practically let me off the hook for everything now. I stopped seeing my therapist a couple days ago and they don’t even care.”  


“That’s something. Anyway, what did you want to talk about?”  


“You and me. I don’t want to do this anymore. I can’t lie to Val anymore.”  


Ella doesn’t look at me. “You’re bringing this up again?”  


“I’m not kidding this time. I told Val about us.”  


“What? Why?” Ella glances at me for a second before looking away again.  


“Ray saw us together the other night at the diner. He threatened me, forced me to tell her.”  


“That’s why she was so mad when I stopped by,” Ella whispers to herself.  


“Don’t worry, she’s more mad at me. I think you should tell Sam as well.”  


“I was actually thinking of breaking up with him.”  


“Why?” I lean against the railing at the edge of the platform.  


“Ever since I kissed you, I just didn’t feel anything in our relationship anymore.”  


“No, don’t do this to me, Ella. I just told you I’m done.”  


“I know, but just because I can’t be with you doesn’t mean I have to cling onto my relationship with Sam. I just don’t feel anything for him anymore.” Ella rubs her hands together, like she’s nervous about something.  


“I think it’s great that you’re letting go of something that doesn’t benefit you anymore.”  


“So what about you and Val?”  


“I don’t know. She won’t even talk to me. I’m really scared she won’t forgive me; I don’t want to lose her.”  


Ella watches me with a sad smile that fades quickly. “I’m sorry.”  


“What for?” I lay back down and look at the stars.  


“I did this; I screwed up your relationship with Val.”  


“No, you didn’t, I did. I let all this happen—it’s my fault.”  


Ella doesn’t reply. She smiles and stands up. I watch her as she jumps off the platform and onto the ground.  


“Hey, so are we good?” I call out before she leaves.  


She smiles genuinely and puts a thumb up. I realize it’s been awhile since she smiled like that. Maybe our relationship did more harm than good.  


After she leaves, I stare at the stars for a little while longer. It felt nice to get all that weight off my back.  


I think of Val once more, but nothing changes. I’m beginning to think I can’t fix things between me and Val. Maybe this really is the end.


	10. I Just Can't Forgive You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [MAJOR TW- Death Mention. Suicide. Drugs. Alcohol. Language.]

It’s been a week since I told Val about Ella and I haven’t seen her since. I stopped by her house once, but she wasn’t home. Either that or she wouldn’t open the door. I could’ve used her spare key to get in the house, but if she really was home and didn’t open up, then she didn’t want to talk and I didn’t want to push her. I hoped that if I respected her time and boundaries, then she would forgive me more easily, but no such luck.  


I spent New Year’s with Ella, Varsity, and Oz. We would’ve invited Ray as well, but I didn’t think he wanted to be anywhere near me. Ella still hadn’t broken up with Varsity, but I didn’t say anything. The last thing I want is to ruin yet another relationship.  


School is starting again on Monday, which means I have to finish all my homework. So I stay home, trying to put together a decent essay.  


I sit in my room with my laptop by my side, unable to focus on writing. I stare at the pastel painting Ash gave me that’s sitting on the floor. I haven’t had any time or motivation to hang it on my wall and I’m not sure I want to. The painting seems so lost and lonely. It’s just a matter of time until the boat sinks.  


“What the hell,” I whisper to myself and grab the painting. I might as well put it up; it could represent my future. You know, the part where I slice my wrists open and lie covered in blood, similarly to the water inside the boat.  


_Don’t say that. That’s not true._  


I grab a hammer and a couple nails and begin smashing the nails into my bedroom wall. Once I finish, the painting over my desk hangs a bit crooked, but I don’t care to fix it. Instead, I smile at my work.  


I hear a knock at the door. When I open it, I freeze in my place.  


“Val,” I say, my voice barely a whisper.  


“Hi, can I come in?” Her voice doesn’t sound much better than mine. She’s clearly been smoking. She’s wearing jeans and the grey sweater I met her in. Oh, how I love that sweater.  


“Oh, uh, yeah.” I say, dumbfounded. Though she sounds scratchy, my voice is small compared to hers. She steps in and I close the door behind her.  


“I’ve never actually been in your house.”  


I force a laugh and say, “Would you like a tour?”  


“No, thanks.”  


I’m sure my expression drops because Val hurriedly says, “I came here to tell you something.”  


I stare blankly at her as she continues. “Oh god, you have no idea how long I’ve been practicing this… Okay, I think we should stop this.” She gestures between the two of us and I stare at the ground.  


“Maev, I really wanted to forgive you, but I can’t stop thinking about you and Ella and I don’t think I can do this right now. I needed you to know that.”  


I sigh and say, “So did you want something to drink?” I walk to the kitchen. “I think there’s a water bottle in the fridge.”  


“Maev, I love you a lot and I forgive you for what you did, but I just need some time away from you.”  


I stare into the refrigerator and say, “Well, there’s no water bottle, but I can pour you a glass if you want.”  


“No, I don’t. I need to leave now anyway. Are you okay alone?”  


I pour a glass of water anyway and leave it on the kitchen counter. “Yeah, I’ll be fine. Don’t know why I wouldn’t,” I brush off with a convincing smile.  


“Maev, you don’t have to act like this. Just say whatever’s on your mind.”  


“Did you keep our promise?” I blurt out before I can stop myself. I don’t know why I asked that. It’s not like it matters anymore, right? Does Val matter anymore? The one thing that matters doesn’t matter at all. How ironic.  


Before Val can reply, I say, “Nevermind, don’t answer that. I already know. I could smell it on you the moment you walked in. I’m going to have to spray the apartment so my parents won’t think I smoked in here.” I smile to myself.  


“I’m sorry. I’m not strong enough.” It’s Val’s voice that’s small now.  


“Val, just because we’re not seeing each other anymore, doesn’t mean you don’t have the strength to beat this.” I walk up to her until we’re just inches apart; it’s the closest I’ve been to her in days.  


“You say that as if I don’t know it already. I can take care of myself. I want to know what you think of this, how you feel.”  


I shrug and stuff my hands in my pocket. “I love you, what’s more to say?”  


She shakes her head. “Nothing, I guess.” Val says a quick ‘goodbye’ and leaves the house.  


_I’m fine._ I walk back to my bedroom. _I’m fine._ I sit on my bed and stare at the pastel painting. _I’m fine._ I watch the boat sink right before my eyes. I can hear the passengers screaming for their life and I can see them try to stay afloat in the sub-zero water. If they don’t drown, they’ll freeze.  


I can’t watch them die. I snatch the painting off the wall and throw it across the room. It slams into my dresser and falls on the floor. I plug in my earbuds and play the songs Val got me for Christmas. I want to forget about everything right now.  


——  


Since her mom is out on a business trip for the weekend, I sleep over at Ella’s house. After Val visited this morning, I’ve been numb to everything. I never finished my essay, but that doesn’t matter anymore. Nothing matters anymore.  


I push the food around my plate, unable to eat anything. I haven’t eaten anything all day.  


“We should watch a movie or play games or something. It’ll get your mind off of her,” Ella offers, seeing my discomfort.  


“Okay.”  


Ella finishes eating and takes my plate from me, knowing I won’t take a single bite. We head upstairs and hang around in the den. I lay on the floor with a pillow under my head and Ella lies with me.  


“Did you want to talk about it? What did Val say?” she asks.  


“She said she forgives me, but we shouldn’t see each other anymore.”  


Ella doesn’t respond and we stay silent for a while. My negative energy must be taking a toll on her.  


“By the way, I broke up with Sam today. So I guess today’s really just a bad day.”  


“Are you okay?” My voice feels hollow, as if I don’t really care.  


“Yeah, it was a long overdue break up.”  


We’re silent again. I don’t feel like talking, so I turn on the t.v. and stare at it, unable to concentrate on what’s going on. The night seems to drag on forever and right when it turns ten, I get into bed. Ella follows me to sleep even though she’s clearly not tired. I think she’s just trying not to push me over the edge.  


We sleep on the same bed, but Ella knows better than to touch me when I’m like this. She turns off the lights and gets into bed. I can feel her staring at me even though my back is turned to her.  


I turn around to face her and tears well up in my eyes when I see her expression. I know she feels for me and she’s trying her hardest to keep me safe, but I won’t let her anywhere near me. I wipe my eyes to keep from breaking down, but it makes me cry more.  


“Hey, everything’s going to be okay. This pain is only temporary.” Ella whispers.  


I try to laugh, but I probably just sound crazy. “I was just thinking about this girl I met a week ago. When I went hiking that day, I stayed out in the snow all night long. I woke up freezing cold in some stranger’s house. She and her father gave me nice, warm clothes and cleaned me up and made sure I was fine.  


“She told me she had schizophrenia and gave me a painting when I left. It’s the same painting as the one hung in Dr. Alex’s room—you know, the sailboat one. She was so nice to me and she made me feel good, but I left and I came back here and everything is terrible here. And I just want to feel good again, but I’m a bad person and I ruin everything and the one person who I love hates me now.”  


“Did you know that I love how strong you are? I mean mentally. You have been through so much shit and more and you’re still here. You’re still standing. You’re so damn sick and tired of all this, but you’re still here. Do you ever think about that? Because I do all the time and it amazes me how hard you try to be a better person no matter what. In my opinion, that’s the best thing a person could have—a strong spirit. And don’t even fight me on this because it’s there, even if you don’t see it. That’s what I love most about you.”  


——  


I don’t sleep the entire night. I couldn’t. Everytime I close my eyes, I see the sailboat sinking, bringing me down with it. I see my bloody wrists and the red, tainted water in my bathtub. I don’t tell Ella about it the next morning. I don’t want her to worry about me anymore.  


“How’d you sleep?” Ella asks while spreading butter on a bagel.  


“Great.”  


She hands me the bagel, but I refuse. “Come on, Maev. You have to eat something.”  


“I don’t think my stomach can hold anything down right now. I’ll just have some milk.”  


“Hey, do you want to go to the trail? We could invite Oz and hike up. It’ll be fun.”  


“I kind of just wanted to stay home. I don’t think I have the energy to go out, let alone take a hike,” I say as I pet Berdy.  


“There’s no way I’m taking no for an answer. We can pack some snacks and have a mini picnic at the top.”  


I nod, slowly. Looks like there’s no getting out of this one.  


“Do you think we should call Sam as well?” Ella asks.  


“Probably not. Even if you’re not phased by the break up, he might be.”  


Ella laughs. “I love how you’re caring for his mental well-being. A couple months ago, you couldn’t even stand the sound of his name.”  


I smile. “What can I say? He’s not all that bad, I guess. He was good to you.”  


——  


I drive Ella to mountains and meet Oz there. We gather our things to hike up. It’s not snowing for the first time in days, but the trail still has snow melting on the sides. We brought one backpack carrying all our food and water and I have the first shift to hold it. Since it’s still early, the air is cold, but it feels nice.  


Oz begins complaining ten minutes into the hike, which, I admit, is a bit tiring; however, it took my mind off of Val. I give the backpack to Oz and sigh when the weight is taken off.  


“Damn, how have you been carrying this? It’s like fifty pounds,” Oz groans and Ella laughs.  


“Yeah, laugh now. Wait until it’s you carrying this freaking bag.”  


“Stop being such a little shit and carry the bag, Oz,” Ella teases. Oz runs at her, but is slowed by the bag, letting Ella run away shrieking. I smirk as I watch them and continue to walk.  


We reach the top just after noon and set up a small picnic overlooking the valley. I lay on the rock as Ella and Oz dig in, still unable to put anything in my mouth.  


What if I hadn’t cheated on Val? She would probably be by my side right now. I wouldn’t have to go through this alone, like always. Maybe it really is my fault. Everything I do never does any good. _Shut up._  


I drift to sleep. It’s the first time I’ve been able to even close my eyes since talking to Val.  


“Hey.” Ella shakes me and I jump.  


“Sorry,” I mumble.  


“It’s alright. You seem a little on edge.”  


“I’m sorry. What time is it?” I get up and look around. There’s no one but Ella and me and the sky’s getting dark.  


“It’s almost five. Oz left a couple hours ago.”  


“Shit, Ella, why didn’t you wake me?” I grab the backpack and we began hiking down the mountain.  


“That was probably the first time you slept in days. I didn’t want to wake you.”  


“Of course you knew I didn’t sleep last night.” I walk faster.  


“I don’t blame you.” Ella matches my speed.  


“What the fuck is wrong with you? Why are you still here?”  


Ella looks confused and hesitates before saying, “Because I couldn’t just leave you there.”  


“No, I mean why are you sticking around with me? I barely ever talk to you and when I do, I screw something up. I ruined your relationship with Sam and sometimes I completely ignore you, but you still talk to me. I’m a giant fuck up and you’re the only person who doesn’t see it. Why?”  


“You aren’t a giant fuck up and you aren’t a bad person for the things you say. Some people just think it’s hard to deal wi—talk to someone going through the things you go through. They think it’s just easier to leave and I know exactly how much it hurts. I don’t want you to feel like you’re not good enough.”  


“So I’m a pity friend. Thanks for telling the truth.”  


“Maev, you know that’s not what I mean. You are a genuine friend. You are all these things that you can’t think to see right now. I just want to be there for you when you do see it.”  


We continue to walk in silence. I can tell Ella wants to say something to ease the tension.  


After a couple minutes, she asks, “When I woke you up, you were fidgeting. Was it Val?”  


I don’t answer mainly because I don’t want to think about her right now, but Ella leaves me no choice as she continues. “Remember when you took me to her house to help take care of her while she was quitting drugs? I was a little freaked out. I mean, I knew nothing about her besides the fact that you guys were dating. I have to admit I wondered why you even liked her. I know you’re not big on words, but you showed her how much you cared.  


“It made me kind of jealous because I never had that, not with Sam or my last boyfriend. And then I came to your house a couple weeks ago and you were so damn stubborn. You wouldn’t tell me what was wrong, but you didn’t really have to say anything out loud because I know you get in these moods sometimes and there’s nothing that anybody can do about it but be there. You sat there hating yourself and I didn’t know what to do. And then I just had to kiss you and ruin everything. I’m really sorry.”  


“It’s not your fault that I broke up with Val. That’s not what this is about.” I’m taking my anger out on Ella without meaning to.  


“Then what is it?”  


“It’s me! It’s always me. It’s not that you made a move on me; it’s that I reciprocated the feeling. It’s not that I can’t be around you sometimes; it’s that I hate people. It’s not that I’m diagnosed with depression; it’s that somewhere deep down I actually wanted to fucking kill myself.”  


It takes another half hour before we reach my car. With my last comment, I made sure Ella wouldn’t try to start another conversation.  


But once we get in the car, she starts up again. “You want to sleep over again? My mom’s not going to be home until Tuesday.”  


“There’s school tomorrow.”  


“Then I’ll come to your house?”  


I look at her suspiciously. “What do you want?”  


“I just don’t want you to be alone.”  


“You’re afraid I’ll fucking kill myself? If I do, you can’t stop me.”  


“Shut up, Maev! Why are you doing this to me? To yourself?”  


I scoff and drive. We arrive at Ella house and she begins to get out without a word. My hands are tightened around the steering wheel.  


I grab Ella’s arm before she steps out and mumble, “Sorry. I’m fucked up.”  


Ella doesn’t look at me and says, “You’re not fucked up. I’ll see you at school, okay?”  


I nod and let her go. When I get home, my parents are waiting for me.  


“Did something happen?”  


My dad laughs and says, “No, Maev. We should go out for dinner. We haven’t done that in a while.”  


We go out to a steakhouse and I sit wondering what they have to tell me. The last time we went out for dinner as a family, my dad had a promotion. The time before that, they told me we were moving to Atlanta.  


Maybe they got me a new car. That would be nice, but we don’t have the money to spare. Oh god, what if my dad was fired from his job? Then we’re fucked.  


“So how’s school, Maev? It’s starting again tomorrow. Did you finish all your homework?” Mom says. She never asks me about anything but school.  


“It’s fine. I’m up to date on everything,” I say just to make her happy. In reality, I don’t know a single thing about what I’m currently learning in class. My mind has been clouded this entire year. It’s like senioritis, but worse considering I haven’t done a single thing all year.  


“So what did you do today?” My dad asks.  


“I went hiking with Ella and Oz. It was pretty cool.”  


“That sounds nice. How was it?”  


“It was fine.” I guess.  


We don’t talk much when we eat. We don’t exactly know what to say to each other. It feels as if we barely know each other anymore. It’s not until dessert when they break the news to me.  


“Maev, there’s something your mom and I have to tell you,” Dad eases.  


“Wait, first tell me if it’s a good or a bad thing,” I say, afraid of the answer.  


“Um, both depending on where you stand.”  


“As you know, your mom and I haven’t exactly been on good terms. This whole family has been a bit distant with each other and I know that’s been a bit hard on you, but your mom and I have been talking and we’ve come to a decision that we believe will help us move forward. And hopefully you understand why we’ve decided to do this.”  


“What is it?” I ask, now eager to know what they’re talking about,  


“We’ve decided to get a divorce,” my mom spits out.  


I don’t hear anything after that. All of a sudden the chatter from the restaurant becomes overwhelming. I can hear the glass plates smack against the table as waiters and waitresses put meals in front of customers. I can hear a hundred voices all speaking to each other at once. I stare straight at my parents and watch their mouths move up and down, but I can’t understand what they’re saying. The sweet chocolate that was in my mouth turns sour. I put my fork down; I’ve lost my appetite.  


I don’t understand. Yeah, they’ve had some fights here and there, but it was never that bad. Maybe I was just trying to convince myself that it wasn’t that bad. Or maybe I was preoccupied with my own thoughts to pay any attention to them.  


I get up out of the chair and walk outside. My parents follow me out and they lead me to the car. They try to consult me, but I can’t listen right now.  


We arrive home and I immediately leave. They let me go; there’s nothing they can do for me now. I drive to the park and had to stop the car to throw up on the way there.  


Shit. My mouth tastes like shit. I lie on the platform and stare blankly at the sky.  


“It’s okay; it’s not that bad,” I whisper to myself.  


The thing is I don’t feel anything. Yeah, I was shocked for a while and I threw up just thinking about it, but I’ll probably forget about it. In a couple hours, it won’t even bother me and the thought of that terrifies me.  


I can’t stand to be alone, but there’s nowhere to go. I keep pushing Ella away and I don’t feel comfortable enough around Oz to crash at his place. I find myself parked in front of Val’s apartment, but I don’t go in. Her lights are on, so I know she’s home, but I’m not sure I want to see her. If anything, she’ll probably make me hate myself even more.  


“Fuck it,” I whisper and get out of the car. I need to see her right now.  


I take a deep breath before knocking on her door. My palms are sweaty and I can’t stop fiddling with the hem of my jacket. I’m staring down at my sneakers and almost bail when the door opens. We’re both silent for a few seconds and I regret coming here.  


“Maev,” Val says in a relaxed tone. I look up at her and realize she’s high.  


“Fucking hell, Val.” I push my way into her house and close the door behind me. She’s smiling at me, but I know it’s just the drugs. I drag her into the bedroom and find her room littered with pill bottles and glass pipes. I cough at the smoke still lingering in the air.  


“Jesus, Val, how much did you take?” I ask holding up a pill bottle from the floor. It’s empty.  


She takes the bottle from my hand and throws it across the room. She laughs and falls onto her bed, reaching for the glass pipe on the nightstand. I grab her arm and pull her back onto the bed.  


“No, you should go to sleep. It’ll give you time to get off whatever you’re on.” Val tries to fight against me, but gives up and lies on the bed. She shimmies out of her clothes from under the covers and throws them onto the floor.  


I turn off the lights and begin to leave until she says, “Where are you going?”  


I can barely see her face in the dark. “Home, I guess.”  


“Can you stay? Just until I fall asleep?” Her words slur together.  


“Okay, go to sleep. I’ll be outside,” I say softly and she nods.  


I grab a water bottle from her fridge and notice take-out Chinese food on the shelf. I open the box and find it half-eaten; it’s good that she’s trying to eat. There’s a final eviction notice taped to the refrigerator door, giving her an ultimatum—either pay rent within a week or be kicked out.  


I sigh when I look around her house; it’s messier now than when I last saw it. There’s a stain of something dark on a rug and there are clothes thrown all over the floor. Empty water bottles litter the floor along with piles of papers.  


I grab all the clothes on the floor and throw them into her laundry basket. When I go back into Val’s room, her back is turned to me. I can’t tell if she’s sleeping or not, so I stay quiet. I walk around her room, picking up all her clothes and throwing them into the laundry bin. I don’t bother to touch her drugs; she’ll yell at me if I do.  


“Why did you come here?” Val’s voice makes me jump.  


“I didn’t know you were awake,” I say, breathless.  


“Why are you here?” she repeats herself.  


“I wanted to see you.”  


She sniffs and I look closer, my eyes are starting to adjust to the dark. I finally notice that she’s been crying.  


“Hey, are you okay?” I kneel next to the bed and reach for her, but she pulls back onto the other side of the bed.  


“God, you are so fucking stupid, Maev.” She wipes her eyes with her palms and sits up.  


“I’m sorry.”  


“Can you leave now?” She won’t look at me and I almost break.  


“I can’t. You’re still high and I don’t want you to overdose.”  


“I fucking hate you, Maev.”  


“I know.” I lean against her nightstand and stare across the room, into the darkness.  


“No, you have no idea how much I want to hate you for doing what you did,” Val pushes.  


“Just go to sleep,” I say as I drift to sleep myself. The day has dragged on for far too long. I just want it to end.  


——  


My phone goes off at six in the morning. I wake up with my face pressed against an empty pill bottle on the floor. I sit up, my face sore from lying on the bottle all last night.  


“Turn that thing off,” Val groans next to me. She’s lying on the bed and her hair is disheveled. I turn off the alarm and get up.  


“Shit.” I didn’t come home last night. My parents must be pissed, but I can pull the ‘you-just-told-me-you-were-getting-divorced’ card on them. They deserve it.  


I go to the bathroom and try to turn on the faucet, but there’s no water. Of course. I grab Val’s hair brush and brush my hair. I look like shit, but who cares.  


“I have some time before school. You want to grab some coffee?” I call from the bathroom.  


“Don’t do this,” Val says. I walk back to her bedroom and find her rummaging through the overflowing laundry basket without a shirt on. She throws the bin down and all her clothes sprawl across the floor.  


“What?” I shrug and sit on her bed.  


“This.” Val holds up a shirt and looks at me. “I don’t need you to clean up after me. I can take care of myself.” She puts on the shirt and walks out of the room.  


I follow her out, trying to reason with her. “You relapsed last night. I just wanted to help.”  


“Remember what I told you when we first met?”  


“You told me a lot of things when we first met.” I smile.  


“I told you to do things for yourself. Fuck everyone else.” Val turns on the light in the kitchen, but it remains dark. She clicks it on and off and kicks the wall in anger.  


“Fuck,” she whispers under her breath.  


“Your electricity must be out,” I say, dumbly.  


“No fucking shit,” she replies in a sarcastic tone.  


“And by the way, you didn’t tell me to fuck everyone else. You told me to do things that’ll make me happy. Seeing you safe makes me happy.”  


“God, you’re making this so difficult.” She slips on sneakers and grabs two brown paper bags off the floor. There must be drugs or booze in the bags, considering she doesn’t own much else.  


“What do you want? Do you want me to leave?” I follow her out of the house and we get into my car.  


“Drive to the Basement.”  


“Tell me first,” I demand.  


She sighs unsteadily before saying, “I want to forgive you, but I can’t. Every time I’m not on something, I can’t stand. You were the only person who could hold me up when I was weak and now I can’t trust you. I hate that I depend on you so much—that I’m holding onto threads without you. I fucking hate myself and being around you makes it worse.”  


I nod slowly and start the car. The silence on the way to the Basement is unbearable. I really fucked things up this time. Although she tries to stop me, I walk with her. I know she’s making a deal like she always does, but, like I said, I just want her to be safe.  


“Where’s Noah?” she asks Sage. I freeze when I hear his name. The last time I saw Noah I was squeezing his throat.  


“I don’t know, Val. He hasn’t been here in months. Not that I know of anyway,” Sage replies sleepily.  


“Shit.”  


We walk back to the car and I ask, “Wait, you don’t deal with Noah anymore?”  


“No, I haven’t since… since you went. What the fuck did you do?” Val realizes and her eyes widen.  


I hesitate before saying, “I might’ve suggested he find another dealer.”  


“Fuck, Maev! He was my biggest buyer!” Val kicks the tire of my car in anger.  


“Woah, watch the car! Look, I’m sorry. He was giving me a bad feeling; I didn’t trust him with you.”  


“Of course he seemed threatening! He’s a fucking psychopath! That doesn’t give you the right to dictate who I deal with, Maev! Fuck!” She sits on the hood of the car and calms down a little.  


“I just keep fucking shit up,” I whisper under my breath.  


“I might be kicked out of my apartment and nobody wants to buy from me and I can’t find an actual job. I use all my money on drugs and booze. I’m so fucked.” She pulls one of the paper bags out, uncaps the glass bottle inside, and takes a swig of alcohol.  


“Tell me the truth: have you ever wished for me to die? Like after I told you what I did with Ella?” I sit next to her on my car.  


“There are worse things than death. Wanting to die and not being able to—that’s much worse. Have I ever wished that upon you? No. I don’t think you understand what I’ve been trying to tell you.” She takes another large gulp. “I want to hate you, but I love you so fucking much. It’s the worst punishment of all.”  


“How about we forget about it? We start over with clean slates. That way you don’t have to forgive me and I won’t have to live with this guilt.”  


Val chuckles and I can smell her breath. The alcohol makes me gag. “We’re not fucking machines. We can’t forget what’s happened.”  


I lean back on the windshield and sigh. _This pain is only temporary_ , I think to myself over and over again.  


“So what now? With Noah?”  


“Well, there’s no way to find him. I guess we’re going home.” She caps the bottle and gets in the car. I sit still and watch her. This is all my fault. I could’ve stayed away from Ella. I could’ve given Noah what he wanted, but I didn’t and it’s causing Val so much pain. Maybe it’s best if I get out of Val’s life forever.  


I drive her back home and she invites me inside, which surprises me. I thought she would’ve told me to go away. I stand at her bedroom doorway and watch her throw her jeans and shirt onto the floor. She slides under the cover with her back turned toward me.  


“Please stop lingering in the doorway. Either come in or get out.” Val’s voice is muffled by her pillow.  


I laugh dryly. “I’m late for school, but it’s worth it. I’ll leave soon. I just wanted to tell you that I’ll stop. I won’t stop by or look for you at the Basement. You won’t have to see me again. I, of all people, know how unforgivable my actions are. Don’t forget to eat everyday and try to fight your addiction, if not for our promise, then for yourself. I just want you to be happy and safe. I love you.”  


I wait a second longer to get one last look at Val, even if it’s just her back. _It’ll be better this way_ , I tell myself, but I feel like I’m lying.  


“Maev.” Val gets off the bed and walks up to me with nothing but skivvies on. My palms are sweaty and I wipe them against my jeans. _She’s torturing me._  


She takes my hand and runs her fingers up my arm, stopping at my shoulder. My breaths shorten and I want to step away from her, but I don’t. She presses her body against mine and kisses me.  


“What are you doing?” I whisper against her lips. She doesn’t say anything. Instead, she pulls me toward the bed and slips her hand under my shirt.  


“You’re drunk,” I moan as she pushes me onto the bed and climbs on top of me. She pulls my shirt over my head and throws it somewhere in the room along with the rest of her clothes. She slops wet kisses down to my stomach and undoes the buttons of my jeans. My chest heaves up and down as she pulls my jeans off. She unclasps my bra and throws it on the floor. Without waiting, she slides my underwear off as well.  


“Val,” I breathe out, shakily. She kisses and teases the skin above my hips. I grip hers tightly and pull her up to meet me. I lean forward to kiss her and she pushes me back against the bed with her lips. Her breath tastes like alcohol, but I don’t mind. Maybe she’ll get me drunk enough to forget what I’m doing. No, I don’t want to forget. I want to remember the feeling of Val’s skin against mine forever. I want to remember how soft her lips felt against mine. I want to remember the way one touch from her can make my heart stop.  


“Fuck, Val.”


	11. Does It Bury Your Burden Baby?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [TW- Suicide. Alcohol. Language.]

Val lies beside me, both our chests heaving up and down as we try to catch our breath. She doesn’t touch me and I don’t touch her. We just lie beside each other.  


Val grabs the bottle from earlier and takes a large gulp before offering it to me. I shake my head and she shrugs. She grabs a cigarette from its box and lights it. I watch the puff of smoke rise to the ceiling. It reminds me of the first time I slept with Val at the Basement. We’ve come full circle.  


“I’m not drunk,” Val defends. I know, I just said it to justify what Val was doing.  


I open my mouth without knowing what to say.  


“Don’t speak,” Val says and I obey. My phone rings and I get out of bed to find my jeans.  


“Right here.” Val hands me my jeans from her side of the room. She’s talking to me, but we’re not having an actual conversation; it’s killing me.  


I grab my phone from my pants and get back under the covers, shivering from the cold. “Hello?”  


“Maev, where are you?”  


“I’m busy right now.” I look at Val, but she refuses to look back at me.  


“You can leave now. We’re done,” Val says and I give her a stern look.  


“Who was that? Are you with someone?” Ella asks from the other end and Val shrugs as she takes another drag. I put on one of Val’s shirts off the floor since I can’t find my own in the piles.  


“Uh,” I search the floor until I find my underwear and quickly slide it on before walking out of the bedroom.  


“No, I’m just outside; it’s really busy. What did you want?” I whisper so Val won’t hear.  


“Nothing. You didn’t show up at school and I got worried. And why are you whispering?”  


“I’m not whispering. Ella, you don’t have to worry. I’m not home alone so I can’t really do anything. I’ll meet you after school?”  


“Okay.” She sounds unsure, but I’ll take it. I hang up and go back to Val’s room. She watches me as I rummage through her piles of clothes. I pull my pants back on, but I can’t seem to find my shirt. I come across a large, grey hoodie, the same one that Val was wearing when we first met, the Georgia Tech one. I freeze when I spot the sweater. _I’m fine._  


I snap out of it when Val gets out of bed. She slips on some clothes and leaves me on the floor, holding her sweater. I give up looking for my shirt and follow her out.  


“Are we going to talk?” I ask angrily. I hate that she’s treating me like shit and I’m letting her.  


“All we’ve been doing since last night is talk. There’s nothing else to say, Maev.” Val takes another drag and puts out the smoke in the sink.  


“You can’t just…” I trail off, at a loss for words. _Yes, she can and she just did. She’s got total control over you and you’re helpless._  


“I need to go home.” Val using me like that hurts more than anything in the world. I feel like I don’t know her anymore.  


“Can I take a shower at your house? I’m kind of out of water.” Val seems embarrassed, but I don’t say anything about it. I nod, still angry at how I can’t stop caring for her even when she’s using me.  


As she showers, I sit on my bed. I stare at the mess I made from the last time I was in here. The pastel painting is still on the floor along with some books and pencils that fell from the impact.  


I don’t bother to clean up the mess; there’s no point anyway. I sit there until Val comes out with her wet hair dripping down her back. She throws the damp towel into my laundry bin and walks to the pastel painting.  


“This is beautiful.” She picks up the painting and stares at the it in awe.  


“The boat’s gonna sink,” I say.  


“It hasn’t yet,” Val replies, getting the comparison. I can tell she feels guilty from earlier. An eye for an eye, I guess.  


“It’s inevitable. You can leave now.” I mean it as a demand more than a suggestion.  


Val ignores me and continues to walk around my room, looking at everything all at once. She runs her finger along my bookshelf and stops when she spots my meds sitting on the desk.  


“How have you been?” she asks casually.  


I scoff at the question. “What are you doing?”  


“You said you wanted to talk.”  


“I wanted to know why you broke up with me and slept with me and treated me like nothing. Do I mean nothing to you now?”  


“I’m sorry. That was stupid. I just want you to hurt for what you did.”  


“I am hurting. I feel terrible every second that you don’t look at me—that you can’t because I lied. I just want this to be over. I want things to go back to the way they were,” I plead and Val finally looks at me.  


“We’ll get there. It just takes time.” She smiles and I give a sigh of relief. Things’ll be okay between us.  


“I’ve got a job interview soon, so I should probably go.” Val begins to leave the room.  


“Do you need me to drive you?” I offer, but she shakes her head.  


“You should get some gum; you smell like alcohol.”  


We say goodbye. I pick up the pastel painting and hang it back over my desk, as crooked as it was last time.  


Everything’ll be okay.  


——  


I meet Ella at the Uptown Cafe after school. Baker wasn’t on shift, but I knew a few of the old employees, including Kane; it was refreshing to see familiar faces again.  


“Why didn’t you come to school today?” Ella asks immediately.  


“Wow, not even a ‘hello’? It’s nice to see you too. I got some news last night. I couldn’t go to school.”  


“Good or bad news?” I chuckle at how similar she is to me.  


“Bad. My parents are getting a divorce.”  


“Shit, Maev, I’m sorry.”  


“It’s alright. It’s not like it really affects me; I haven’t been around much lately anyway. We’re not even a family anymore.” I twirl the straw of my drink around.  


“What’s going to happen?”  


“I don’t know. I didn’t stick around to ask,” I mumble.  


“You mean you ditched your parents?”  


“Well, I wouldn’t say ‘ditched’, more like ‘took a breather’,” I assure her.  


“Have you seen them since last night?”  


“No.”  


Ella looks as me disbelievingly. “Where did you go? Where did you sleep?”  


I hesitate before saying, “I went to Val’s house. But it’s okay because we talked and I feel good about it. I think I did something right with her for once. She kind of forgave me.”  


“What do you mean ‘kind of’?”  


“I mean she wasn’t mad at me. Well, she was for a while, but that’s besides the point. This morning we had an actual conversation and she told me that things’ll go back to normal with time. I feel like I’ve got an actual shot now.”  


“I think you’re grasping at straws here.”  


“What do you want me to do then? I know it sounds silly, but Val kept me going. It’s a miracle that I’m still alive right now with the way she’s been treating me. She’s one of the only people I don’t completely hate.”  


“You should go home and talk to your parents. Divorce is a big thing, even if you don’t feel it right now.” Ella decides to avoid the conversation of Val.  


“Whatever.” I get up to leave and pull a couple bucks out for the drinks.  


“Maev, come to school tomorrow. The last thing you need is to be failing senior year,” Ella presses and I wave her off.  


When I get home, I immediately get started on homework. Ella’s right, I can’t be failing this far into the school year. Sure, a lot of shit is happening, but I can’t just give up. I have to at least try to make an effort.  


My parents come home at around 6pm and find me in my room, trying to complete my homework.  


“Maev,” my dad says silently as if he thought I wouldn’t come back home after last night.  


“Hi.” I set down my pencil and turn toward them.  


“Where did you go last night?”  


“Sorry, I stayed at Ella’s house again.”  


“It’s alright.”  


Before they leave, I ask, “What’s going to happen next?” My voice shakes; saying the words out loud is harder than in my head.  


They’re taken back at the question like they didn’t know either. My mother steps forward and says, “Well, there’s a lot of stuff to go over with the divorce attorney. Hopefully, it’ll be over within a couple months. I’ve decided to move out by February and your dad will live here. You can live with him for the remainder of the school year and you’ll be off to college by fall.”  


I nod, not wanting to talk about it anymore.  


“I know it seems like the worst thing in the world right now, but this is actually good. Your father and I can finally move forward in our lives.” They leave my room and the whole house is quiet, as if nobody knows what to say to each other.  


——  


The next day I’m called into the vice principal’s office at school. I sit in the chair across from Mrs. Stone’s desk as she stares at my file in front of her.  


“Maev Clary,” she says as if it’s poison in her mouth.  


“Where’s the principle?” I ask bluntly.  


“He’s on medical leave. I’m temporarily in charge. Yesterday you were absent from school, am I correct?” I can hear the whirring from the air conditioning in the background.  


I nod.  


“Do you realize how many unexcused absences you’ve had this year? Unlucky number thirteen, to be exact. On top of your absences, you’ve been failing almost all of your classes. If you keep going down this road, you won’t be able to graduate in a couple months.  


“Is there something going on at home that I should know about? Is someone hurting you? You used to get such good grades.”  


“No, it’s nothing like that. I’m just not focused. I’ll get back on the right track, don’t worry.” My leg bounces up and down; I’m eager to leave.  


“Ms. Clary, I don’t think you understand how dire your situation is: if you miss another day of school unexcused, I’m going to have to give you in-school suspension. It’ll go on your permanent record.”  


“I understand and I’m working hard to bring my grades back up. I’ve just been busy recently, but I’ll pull through, I promise.” I give a smile to top it off.  


After missing a day of school, I’m piled with a mountain of homework to finish on top of the work I was already missing. I get a call from Ray to meet him at his apartment. I’m nervous; the last time I talked to Ray, he threatened to ruin my relationship with Val. But I guess that was my own fault.  


Ray lives in an upscale neighborhood, which contrasts to Val’s neighborhood. I buzz Ray’s apartment number on the gate at the bottom floor of the building.  


“Who is it?” Ray’s voice shrieks from the speaker.  


I press the microphone button and reply, “Maev.”  


Ray buzzes the gate open and I walk up to his place. He lets me in and offers me a drink.  


“Water is fine,” I say and look around his house. It’s much cleaner than Val’s. I wonder why she doesn’t just live with him.  


I walk around the living room as he pours me a glass of water. His dog, Moe, runs up to me and sniffs my feet. I smile and pet her, remembering what Ella told me before. _Hold on to those little things that you look forward to, even it’s as stupid as petting a dog._ What am I supposed to look forward to now?  


Moe scrambles away from me and into the kitchen to find Ray. I look around at the photos of him and Val hung all over the place—ones from when they were young until just recently. I smile at mini-Val and her brother playing in the snow.  


Ray hands me the glass and I thank him.  


“That’s Val when she was six years old. It was the first year when we started to go out in the winter and go sledding. I would take her to this small hill near our house and drag her cardboard sled up for her because she was too small to carry it herself. At the top, she would always beg me to let her slide by herself, but I told her she was not old enough. So I would get on the sled and she would sit between my legs and we would slide down together.  


“When she was ten years old, I finally let her slide by herself. And of course, being Valerie, she hurt herself.” He chuckles softly to himself.  


“You really love her,” I whisper, as if I didn’t know before. I did know, I just had no idea how much. I’ve never felt that way toward anyone and nobody has ever felt that way toward me.  


He takes a deep breath to shake off the heavy feeling and takes a seat on the couch. I sit next to him and stare in front of me silently.  


“I don’t think you’re a bad person, but you can understand why I made you tell Val, right? If she wants to be with you, I want to make sure you’re the best thing she’s ever had. Clearly, she’s not in the best place right now and I need to be protective of her now more than ever.”  


I nod. I get it. “I know this isn’t any of my business, but why won’t you support her financially? I mean, did you know she’s gotten multiple eviction notices?” I set the water glass on the coffee table.  


“It’s not that I won’t support her; she doesn’t want me to. Her success is her own doing and her failure is her own doing. I guess having her own apartment is Val’s way of letting me know that.”  


“So why did you call me over here?”  


“I wanted you to know that it’s okay. Val’s been telling me about you. She really likes you, you know? I think you’ve been beating yourself up over this and you need to let it go.”  


“Have you met me? One bad thing happens and it’s burned into my brain forever.”  


Ray laughs to be polite. “Have I told you about when you guys first met?”  


“I think I know what happened when Val and I first met,” I say to lighten the mood. He laughs and I turn towards him, wanting to know what Val thought of me back then.  


“We had lunch the day after and Val would not stop smiling. I think she loved you the day she met you. It had been a while since she was that happy. I still can’t believe she wouldn’t introduce me to you until months later.”  


“I’m glad she felt that way because I was like that as well and I thought I was crazy.” I smile.  


“Yeah, she changed in a good way.”  


“She’s hurting herself,” I blurt out.  


“I think I already know that,” Ray says with a confused expression, as if he’s unsure why I said that. I’m not really sure why myself.  


“No, I mean she has no job. She can’t pay her bills. She’s wasting all her money on drugs and I don’t know how to help her. I don’t want to see her go down like that.”  


“What do you propose we do?” Ray asks.  


“There’s nothing we can do. She won’t let us help. Plus, I already fucked everything up between us.”  


“I told you, you didn’t screw everything up. Val knows what she needs. She’ll pull through—she always does. You haven’t known her as long as me; she’s been through worse and she always manages to turn out on top,” Ray says in a relaxed tone as if he’s not worried at all for Val. I relax as well. Ray knows her more and I trust him to keep Val safe.  


“Been through worse?” I ask. What could be worse than now?  


“Val never told you? About a year ago, she overdosed and nearly died. It was bad, but not bad enough to make her quit. I wish it were, though.”  


I never thought about how Ray felt towards Val’s drug addiction. Now I know it pains him just as much as it pains me. It’s worse because we can’t do anything about it, only Val can do something about it.  


I didn’t know what to say. What could you say to something like that? I can’t imagine Val going through that. I’d always thought her brother was there to protect her, but I guess some things he can’t save her from.  


After talking with Ray, I head to Ella’s house. I told her all about my ‘dire situation’, as Mrs. Stone put it, and she promised she would help me study for all my classes.  


We settle down in the living room with our books sprawled all over the floor. I watch her stare at the paper trying to figure out a math problem. I wonder how different she saw the world than I do. She’s never stayed up at night thinking about everything she’s ever done wrong. She’s never paced back and forth in her room for hours, afraid to step out of the house.  


I wonder what it must feel like to not have to worry about these things. What a life that would be.  


We don’t get anything done. I can’t even begin to concentrate on school. It’s not that I don’t care, I just can’t focus on anything for more than a couple minutes without becoming exhausted.  


Instead, I talk to Ella. I want to know everything about her. I want to know what she thought about me and Val and Varsity. I wanted to know how she felt when her father died—how my pain would pale in comparison to that. I wanted to know just how much she loved her mother. Ella is a gift to this world and I am the burden that she got in return.  


“What’s wrong?” Ella’s brows furrow the way they always do when she’s worried.  


“Nothing.” I didn’t want to get into it now; I didn’t want to get into it ever.  


“No, really. Are you not getting it?” I stare the math problem on the paper forgetting all about it.  


“It’s not that.” It’s that you’re here wasting your time trying to teach me this. It’s that you don’t even have to try to go through each day. It’s that I will never amount to even half of what you’re worth.  


“Is it your parents?” I just want it to be over. I mean, I look at you and think about how you don’t even have to try to be happy. And then there’s me and everyday is a struggle to even get out of bed. I think about everything that’s going on and I don’t want to deal with it. And the worst part is that I know I’m nothing special. People go through things much worse than me and they come out on top and I’m here, drowning in my own pool of water. Nobody asks for the shit they get, but it’s come to the point where I just don’t see the point in waking up in the morning.  


“No, I’m just tired. I think I’ll go home. I’ll see you tomorrow.”  


Ella presses me to stay, but I gather my books and leave. I consider going to Val’s apartment, but I know it won’t make me feel better. I go to the park, which is usually empty on school nights.  


I lay on the platform and watch the clouds pass by in the sky. I try smiling as I look up at the sky. Maybe, if I smile long enough, I’ll become happy. After a while my mouth begins to hurt and I stop.  


I don’t know how long I lie there, but the clouds soon turned into stars in the sky. I continue to stare up. This time, if I stay out in the cold, no one will be there to save me. I could be out of everyone’s lives forever.


	12. With This Love Like A Hole

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [TW- Gun/Shooting. Drugs. Alcohol. Language.]  
> Enjoy this semi-satirical chapter of the bury your gays trope. Thought I'd make it ridiculous.

Spring began and I watch the flowers bloom. I’d rather watch that than the movers carrying my mother’s belongings out of the house. I guess it’s a relief that she’s moving out now. The tension over the past couple months between my parents was heavy. I could feel it every time they were in the same room together, though it wasn’t often.  


Break was just beginning and this is how I was spending it.  


I try to keep my breath steady as to not scare the ladybug crawling along the flower stem. I don’t know what kind of flower it is, I was never really into them.  


“Maev, I’m leaving now,” my mother calls from the front door. I run to meet her before she leaves. I hug her tight as if she’d slip through my arms.  


Last night, the two of us had dinner together for the last time. She’s moving to Arizona, which is practically across the country, so I might not see her for a long time.  


I don’t say anything. I said all I needed to last night, so she leaves silently. My father wasn’t home; he made up an excuse about having to be at work so he wouldn’t have to be here.  


I watch her get into her car and drive away with the moving truck trailing behind her. I watch the cars until they disappear around a corner and then I continue to stare at the corner until I get tired. The divorce didn’t feel real until now.  


I fall to the grass with glossy eyes. It feels like I’ve lost my family.  


My dad returns when the sky is pitch black and he pulls me onto my feet. He leads me to my room and leaves me alone. I don’t move the entire night.  


——  


The next day is better. I received my college letter in the mail and opened it immediately. I applied to a couple colleges out of state, but I doubted that I would get in. I hold the letter from a local college in Atlanta. There were still a couple colleges I hadn’t heard from yet, but I was hoping to get into any of them  


I tear through the Atlanta letter and almost jump in happiness when I read through it. _No fucking way!_ A couple months ago I never even thought about college or my future, but here I am now, imagining myself visiting the campus for the first time.  


I jump in my car with the letters in hand and speed to Val’s apartment as fast as I can.  


I knock on Val’s door and wait for her to open it. I’ve been seeing Val everyday, trying to mend our relationship. She talks to me as if we’ve known each other for years. She doesn’t bring up me and Ella anymore. Even though we’re not officially dating, I feel as if we are.  


“Look!” I scream right when she opens the door. I hold out the letter for her to read and watch her light up as she scans it.  


“No way,” she whispers under her breath. “You got in!”  


“Yeah!” She hugs me and my muscles tense under her grip. It’s the first time we’ve touched in months. I squirm out of her arms and take back the letter, focusing on re-reading it.  


“That’s amazing. What about the other college?”  


“I don’t know and I don’t really care because I got in!” My smile beams brighter than ever before; I can’t contain my happiness. It’s been ages since I’ve felt this way. We settle down and the feeling of euphoria slowly disappears.  


“Oh, guess what,” Val says, as if she just remembered something.  


“Uhh, your water’s back on?” I ask, trying to be funny.  


She slaps my arm playfully. “No, I’ve found Noah’s house.”  


“What?” I ask dumbfounded. I didn’t know she was looking for him.  


“Noah, the guy whose business I practically live off of who you drew away.”  


“Okay, first of all, why are you blaming me? And second, you shouldn’t go there. I tried to get him away from you for a reason, Val. I don’t think you should sell to him.”  


Val grabs her coat from the couch. “I don’t think you should be telling me what to do. Can you drive me over there?”  


I grab her arm to stop her from walking out the front door. “No, Val. Why can’t you just sell to anyone else? There are plenty of kids who want to buy. Why is he so special?”  


“Mainly because he’s my biggest buyer. Maev, I don’t think you understand how much I need this deal. If I don’t find him or a new client, I might not be able to keep my apartment.” She looked at me with wide eyes, silently begging me to drive her. She grabs my hand with both of hers. I don’t want her to lose her apartment. Just a while ago, I wished I could help her in any way possible, so why am I so reluctant to do so now?  


“Fine.” I give in, but I still have a bad feeling about it.  


It’s a two hour drive away, so I tell my dad I’m sleeping over at Ella’s place in case it takes longer than expected. We talk as I drive until Val gets tired and takes a nap. My eyes flicker between the road and Val. I watch her chest lightly rise and fall underneath the grey Georgia Tech sweater as she breaths, and I watch her rosy cheeks glow in the cold air.  


Halfway there, I stop at a gas station to refill the tank and take a break from driving. I get gas and head inside the convenience store for some snacks. I return with a bag of M&M’s and find Val sleepily rubbing her eyes. I pop the chocolates into my mouth and begin driving again.  


Once we’re back on the road, I turn on the radio, but there’s only static, so I turn it off. Val rests her hand in between our seats and I think about putting my hand over hers, but think better of it. I want to ask her about what Ray told me the other day—about her overdose—but I don’t know how to.  


“I’m going to get better again,” she says as if she’s trying to convince herself more than she’s trying to convince me.  


“I hope you do. Then you won’t have to sell. You could get a job or go back to school. I mean, you’re only nineteen, you could do anything.” Val smiles. Maybe she’s thinking about what life would be like if she went to college and got a real job.  


I imagine her in her dorm with her roommate. She’s sitting on her bed with a textbook and a spiral notebook on her lap. Her messy handwriting is sprawled across the page. She’s majoring in psychology because she’s always been interested in the human mind. Or maybe biology because she’s always been fascinated by every living thing.  


I laugh and tell her about it. Then she tells me she would like that. Her voice repeats in my mind over and over again. I want this fantasy to be a reality, maybe in that universe everything’ll be okay. But no matter how many times I repeat it, I’m still sitting here with Val, driving her to deal drugs to a man I once beat up.  


“My mom left yesterday,” I start, afraid of the silence.  


Val glances my way for a second. “I’m sorry.”  


“The worst part is that I’m not even sad. We barely spoke, we barely knew each other, and now she’s gone.”  


“It’s alright. You don’t have to feel for her.”  


“I know, but I want to.” I laugh. “She’s probably driving right now—on her way to Arizona.”  


——  


We arrive at noon and I persuade her to get lunch before meeting him. If anything, I just wanted to buy more time to convince her that this is a bad idea.  


We eat at Burger King because neither of us has any money to spare. The place is empty aside from the employees. She orders a kid’s burger, but I’m happy that she’s ordering anything at all. I finish my burger quickly and watch Val as she slowly takes small bites.  


“So how is this gonna go down?” I ask.  


“I don’t know. We’ll see.” She sets her burger down, only halfway eaten.  


“What are you willing to do?”  


“Whatever it takes.”  


“Whatever?” I ask and she gives me a quick glance before looking back down at the burger.  


“So,” I begin, “Ray told me you—uh—overdosed a while back.”  


Val’s expression never changes. “Ray told you that?” I nod.  


“So what?” She takes a french fry and swirls it around in the ketchup, still not looking at me.  


“Why didn’t you tell me?”  


“It just never came up. It’s not like it’s something that I want to remember. I mean, imagine nearly dying because you weren’t strong enough to save yourself. I was afraid of what you’d think.”  


“But you’re still here; you _are_ strong enough,” I reason and she shrugs, throwing the fry in the ketchup and leaving it there.  


I lean over the table to kiss her and she lets me. The kiss was short, not much more than a mere peck on the lips. Val doesn’t kiss me back. She doesn’t say anything about it, so I take her hand.  


“We should go before it gets late.” Val gets up, letting go of my hand.  


——  


Within the next twenty minutes we’re parked in front of his house. It’s luxurious, something I can only dream of living in. There’s a garage for at least ten cars and a front yard that’s larger than my house. His closest neighbor is at least a mile away, so his house looks barren. I wonder if he’s even home right now.  


Val gets out of the car immediately and I follow her out hurriedly.  


“Wait, don’t you want to think this through completely?” I race after her fast pace.  


“I just spent two hours in a car. I think I’ve thought through it enough.”  


I step in front of her. “Have you thought of all the possible outcomes? What if he refuses to buy from you? What if he attacks you? What’ll you do then?”  


“I’ve thought of all of that, Maev.” She pushes past me and knocks hard on the front door. There’s nothing I can do now, but watch this play out.  


Noah opens the door and catches my eye immediately. “Get the fuck away from me!” He slams the door shut and locks it.  


Val turns to me. “What the fuck?”  


I’m still bewildered by Noah’s reaction. Had I really scared him that much? It makes me think of Varsity and how I still tremble a little when I see him.  


“There’s something I haven’t told you,” I say hesitantly, “I might’ve smashed his face with glass when I told him to stay away.”  


“Are you fucking kidding me? Why didn’t you tell me?” I can feel Val’s anger permeate through the air.  


“I’m sorry I just really didn’t want him to hurt you—” I try to defend but she cuts me off.  


“Go wait in the car. I can handle this myself.” I pause, not wanting to leave her alone, but decide it’s best if I leave.  


I walk out to the car while listening to her pound on the door for Noah to open up again. I sit on the hood of my car and watch her try to debate with him. _Whatever it takes._ I hear her voice in my head over and over again.  


I know what she’s going to do—I’ve known since she told me she was going to convince him to buy from her again. I watch her lean up and kiss him on the lips.  


I turn away, not wanting to watch any longer. I don’t want to think of her soft lips matching his rough ones. I climb into my car and call Ella to busy myself, to keep myself from watching Val.  


“Maev.” Ella’s voice calms me down enough to glance back at Val. She’s gone now, disappeared into his house. I can’t stop myself from thinking about what she’s doing in there. What he’s doing to her.  


“Hey, what are you doing?” I fiddle with the keys in my hand. I imagine Val’s naked body pressed up against Noah’s and my fist clenches. They key cuts into my skin and I press harder.  


“I’m with Oz. We were just going to get some coffee, you want to come?” She offers.  


“No, I’m on a trip with Val. She’s busy and I just thought I’d call.”  


“A trip with Val? Does that mean you guys are back together?”  


“No, I’m just driving her to meet a—uh—friend.” I look at the door again, hoping she would be there, but there’s no luck.  


“Oh,” Ella says and the line is silent.  


“Anyway, I’ll let you go. I’ve got to go now. I’ll see you later.” Ella says a quick goodbye and ends the call.  


I wait in the car for an hour, glancing at the front door every couple minutes in case Val comes out. Maybe I should bang on the door. It’ll stop whatever they’re doing in there. No, Val can do whatever she wants. It’s not like we’re together anyway.  


I turn on the engine and drive away, reasoning with myself that Val can call when she’s ready. I go to a Starbucks to pass the time. There’s really not much else to do here. I sip my coffee and watch the barista prepare drinks for people. She races around the small space, not even noticing me.  


I sit there until the sky turns dark and the store quiets down. Only then the barista notices me. She asks me how I’m doing and I tell her I’m fine because she doesn’t actually want to hear anything else.  


“Don’t you have somewhere to be? You’ve been sitting there for hours now,” she asks, catching me off guard. I didn’t think she noticed.  


“I’m waiting for a friend. I drove her up here from Atlanta. I didn’t anticipate for her to take this long.”  


“You’re from Atlanta? I used to live there,” she says as she finishes making a customer’s drink. She hands it to him with a smile.  


“So what’s your friend doing?” she asks as another lone customer walks into the store. I wait for her to take their order.  


When she finishes, I tell her: “She’s meeting with another friend. They’ve got things they have to work out.”  


“Sounds tough.”  


“You have no idea.” I twirl my phone around on the counter, hoping Val will call soon.  


“How ‘bout a drink? I’ve got time for one more,” she offers, sending off another customer. I notice the place is completely empty aside from the two of us. I check the time and it’s nearly nine o’clock. Val’s been there for hours. My jaw clenches at the thought.  


“I’ve got no money left to spare,” I say. She wipes down the coffee she spilt over time.  


“It’s okay. I’ll buy.” She leans toward me and smiles. I pause, just realizing what’s going on. I nod yes.  


“Alright, what’ll you have?” Her voice is cheerful.  


“Surprise me.” I watch her work diligently. Her brown, curly hair is tied back in a ponytail and her dark skin looks smooth under the lights. I find myself wondering what it would feel like under my lips.  


She slides me a small cup of coffee and I taste it. I don’t know what it is, but it’s more sweet than bitter. I smile at her. “It’s great. Thanks.”  


She closes up the store and I wait for her outside. What am I doing? I should be waiting for Val, not this girl I just met.  


“My apartment is just a couple blocks down. I could pour you a stronger drink,” she says. I feel my cheeks get hotter than the coffee in my hand.  


“I’d like that. I’m Maev, by the way.” I smile.  


“I’m Gracie.”  


We walk down the street and talk. She never stops smiling and neither do I. She lets me into her apartment and grabs two glasses from the cupboard as well as a bottle of bourbon. I watch her pour, not telling her I’m underage.  


I’ve had drinks before. I’m sure it’s not a big deal, I tell myself. I’ve been afraid to drink alcohol since the night Varsity attacked me, but I take it anyway. The whiskey slides down my throat, leaving a burning sensation. I talk to her as easily as I talk to Ella and we drink the bottle dry.  


When there’s no more bourbon, she leads me to her bedroom. I can’t walk straight, so she holds me against her. I lean in and kiss her lips. She tastes like alcohol. Varsity flashes into my head, his hot breath surrounds me as he clutches my throat, but I don’t feel anything except Gracie’s soft arms, carrying me onto the bed.  


——  


I wake up with a pounding headache. I feel like I’m going to throw up. My eyes adjust to the dark room, shaded from the sun by the blinds. Next to me, a ray of light shines onto Gracie, whose back is turned to me. I get dressed quietly and loiter in her room.  


The room is small, but clean. There are pictures of her and her family hung on the walls. There’s a stack of textbooks neatly placed at the edge of her desk. The textbooks read: Principles of Biology, Human Biology: Concepts and Current Issues, and something about Health Science. It reminds me of Val and I jump as I remember I had to pick her up.  


I find my phone on Gracie’s table in the dining room along with the cold cup of coffee that I never finished last night. I grab my phone and turn it on. There are no calls from Val. My hands shake; I’m starting to get worried. Maybe I should stop by and check in.  


I jump when I feel warm hands snake around my waist. I turn around and find Gracie in a t-shirt and shorts with a lazy smile.  


“Sorry,” she says, oblivious to my anxiousness.  


“I’m worried about my friend. She hasn’t called all night long,” I say as Gracie walks to the kitchen. I watch her move and scold myself. I shouldn’t be here, I should be with Val.  


“Did you call her?” Gracie pours water into a coffee maker.  


“She doesn't have a phone.”  


“Do you know where she is? Maybe check on her?” She walks up to me and takes my hand in hers with a smile.  


Should I? I don’t want her to stay with Noah any longer, but I also don’t want to ruin her deal.  


Fuck it. “Okay.” I grab my coat and begin to head out the door. I stop in my tracks when I remember Gracie standing there. I don’t know what to do.  


“Thanks for the coffee last night. And also for last night in general.” I manage to stumble out.  


“Sure. And if your friend is still busy, I’ll be here.”  


——  


On the car drive, I can’t stand the silence, so I turn on the radio. I don’t care if it’s just static as long as I’m listening to something.  


Miles before I arrive, I hear an ambulance alarm blaring and watch it storm past, going in the opposite direction. My hands shake on the steering wheel and I tell myself that it’ll be okay—that it has nothing to do with Val, but I can’t believe myself. They’re just words. They’re just thoughts.  


My heart begins beating fast when I spot the signature red and blue lights of police cars parked in Noah’s driveway. I immediately think of the worst: he killed her.  


My palms are sweaty and I park the car quickly along the curb. It’s crooked. “Everything is fine,” I tell myself over and over.  


I get out of the car. I don’t want to be here. I want to be anywhere but here.  


I walk up to the yellow tape line covering the open front door. _POLICE LINE DO NOT CROSS._ I peer inside, not knowing what I was hoping to find.  


“Miss, I’m going to have to ask you to please leave the premises. This is a crime scene,” a tall, dark officer with a shiny badge posted on his uniform tells me. I jump at his voice, thinking I was alone.  


“What happened here?” My voice is shaky. I’m not sure I want to know.  


“I’m not allowed to say at the moment. Check the news, they’ll keep you posted.” His voice is careless, as if he’s said those lines a million times before.  


Just then, a white news station van parks along the curb. A man in a black and blue suit hurriedly jumps out of the car along with a cameraman wearing all black. They immediately begin filming the house, covering the story.  


“I know a girl who came to this house yesterday. She was meeting with the owner of this house, did you see her? She’s a little shorter than me with dark hair and eyes. She’s really skinny, but also very pretty. She’s wearing a Georgia Tech sweater. Is she in there?”  


I watch as the officer’s eyes widen and wonder what he’s thinking. “Miss, can you come to the back with me? I’ve got to ask you a few questions.”  


I hesitate. What did he want to ask? Did he see Val or not? I follow the officer, whose name tag reads ‘Jacobs’, to the backyard.  


Officer Jacobs seats me at a table and tells me to wait for another officer. There’s a pool stretched overlooking the city. There’s green grass and a garden and police scattered all over the place. I watch them talk, all serious-like. It scares me.  


Shortly after the officer leaves, I’m approached by shorter, plump man in a suit. He flashes me his badge and introduces himself as ‘Detective Johnston.’  


“Hi, I’m Maev Clary.”  


“Officer Jacobs tells me you know the victim?” His voice is loud and overbearing, as if he’s yelling at me.  


“Victim?” I ask, still unsure of what’s going on. “What happened here?”  


“Yes, a girl by the name of Valerie Irving was attacked and shot by a man. We suspect it to be the owner of the house, Mr. Noah Carter. Have you heard of him?”  


“Where is Val?” I stand, unable to keep still. I pace back and forth, watching Detective Johnston watch me.  


“She’s been escorted to the hospital about ten-twenty miles from here. Do you mind if I ask your relationship to Valerie?”  


“My relationship? I’m her girlfr—I’m her friend. Do you think I can see her?”  


Johnston scribbles something down on his notepad and says, “Of course. If you don’t mind, I’d like to ask a few follow up questions afterward. I can get a policeman to escort you.”  


“I’m fine, thank you.” I slip out of the backyard before the detective can say anything else and lightly jog back to my car. There are more news vans, but I speed right past them. I fumble with the keys. Everything seems double and I’m not sure which is the right way.  


I still can’t process what happened to Val; it feels unreal, untrue. It can’t be true. One second I was with Gracie and everything was alright, and then nothing was alright. Everything is alright; nothing is alright.


	13. Your Grandfather Clock Is Still Ticking

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [TW- Drugs. Gun/Shooting. Death Mention. Language.]

I sit in my car, waiting for Val to come out of surgery. I had tried waiting in the hospital waiting room, but it was too loud.  


I had called Ella and Ray about an hour ago. They should be here soon. I hope they will be, I don’t want to be alone.  


I lie back on the seat of my car with the windows cracked open for air. I close my eyes, wishing that was enough to reverse time and keep Val from entering Noah’s house.  


I think back to a few months earlier, before I drove Noah away and before I kissed Ella. We went to the Basement one night and I watched Val dance in the crowd on the front lawn. The sun was setting and Val looked so beautiful in the fading light, the way the sun’s rays danced around her frame, creating a halo around her.  


She held out her hand for me to dance with her, but I refused. “I can’t dance,” I told her. Now I wish I would’ve danced with her.  


So we walked, hand in hand, to the kitchen and she took out a freezing cold beer from the cooler, offered me one, but I refused. I couldn’t drink at the time, it reminded me too much of Varsity.  


She popped it open and we sat outside in the plastic chairs. We talked for hours, though I don’t remember what about. I just knew I felt comfortable around her, like I could tell her anything.  


I dropped her off at her apartment later that night and she invited me in. She was a little tipsy, so I led her to her bed.  


“Let’s dance,” she said as she sat on her bed. I was taking her shoes off for her.  


“There’s no music,” I defended.  


“So play some.”  


I took out my phone and played Young Rising Sons, not knowing that she would remember the song and buy the album for me a couple months later. She stood up, half leaning on me, and pulled me to the center of the room. She grabs my hand and wraps the other around my waist, pulling us close together.  


I rest my head on her shoulder and close my eyes, trying to loosen up. We move back and forth, my body a plank and hers the waves.  


The room was dark, only the light from the living room shines through. I could barely see Val’s face in the faint light. I wish I could see her face now.  


It scares me to think I may never see her smile ever again, the smile that was carved from abandonment and hunger and loss. I may never hear her ragged voice ever again, the only voice that could soothe me in the midst of a breakdown. I may never hold her hand ever again, the very hand that carried me across the sea of darkness in my head. I may never have any of that ever again.  


A knock on the window makes me jump out of the fantasy. Ella’s and Ray’s glum faces stare at me through the window. I unlock the car door and they climb inside—Ella in the front seat and Ray behind me.  


“God, what happened?” Ella asks in a soft tone, careful not to push too hard.  


“I don’t know. I dropped her off at Noah’s house and when I came back the police were there. Then, I came straight here and I called you guys and I don’t know if she’s going to be okay; she’s still in surgery or something. I don’t know, I don’t know.”  


Ella grabs my hand. “It’s alright, Maev,” Ella tries to soothe me. I don’t deserve her.  


“I shouldn’t have kissed you. I ruined everything with Val and now I’ll never make it better. I’ll never make it up to her.”  


“Hey, don’t say that. Don’t beat yourself up over it; it’s not your fault.”  


“It is. It’s my fault she went looking for him in the first place. It’s my fault he left town and moved here. It’s my fault she even went inside his house. It’s all on me.”  


“I can’t believe you drove her here. What the fuck is wrong with you?” Ray says in a reserved manner. I refuse to look at him, but I can feel his eyes burn holes in me. I don’t know what I could say to make this any better. It is my fault.  


“Ray, can you stop? She already feels guilty.”  


“I know, I was hoping to make her feel worse. I mean, you knew what kind of guy Noah was and you just let her go.” Ray’s voice rises. It feels like he’s yelling at me. I deserve it.  


“I just thought that she would forgive me if I did what she wanted.” I’m on the brink of tears.  


“I thought you loved her.”  


“I do, I swear.”  


“Then, why did you let her go!” Ray screams at me.  


“Ray! Outside, now!” Ella screams back and they both exit the car, leaving me alone again.  


My eyes are dry. I can’t cry; I can’t feel. Only Val matters now. I don’t care about what Ray thinks and I don’t care if he screams at me and hates me for the rest of my life. None of that matters, only Val.  


I look out to where Ella and Ray stand arguing silently. Without a warning, I lock the doors and turn on the engine. The two of them turn to me and call out my name, but I don’t listen. I can’t. I turn on the radio and turn up the volume so I won’t have to hear them. I speed out of the parking lot, not knowing where I’m going. Anywhere but here.  


——  


I’m in front of Gracie’s apartment, debating whether or not I should go in. I shouldn’t even know where her apartment is. I shouldn’t have talked to her, slept with her, last night. It was wrong; I feel like I cheated on Val again.  


“Fuck!” I hit the steering wheel and exit the car. I couldn’t stop myself from seeing Gracie last night and I can’t stop myself now either.  


I knock on the the front door and tap my foot as I wait for her. I hear the lock click and watch the door open in slow motion. I don’t know why I’m here.  


“Maev.” Gracie smiles. I melt when I hear her voice; it’s sweeter than anything I’ve ever heard. I close my eyes to take it all in. I don’t want to ever forget it.  


I imagine it’s Val. We’re in Atlanta, at her doorstep, and she doesn’t hate me. She loves me. And she’s got that dorky smile spread across her face. And I can hear her laugh for the first time in months; it’s music to my ears.  


I stand still for a long time and Val asks me what’s wrong. I feel her soft hands touch my arms and her thumb rubs against my skin, making me fall deeper into my fantasy.  


When I open my eyes, I’m facing Gracie again and reality sets in. Val’s not here. Gracie pulls me into the apartment and I sit on the couch. I stare at the floor, feeling guilty for just being here.  


“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t be here,” I say, but make no move to leave.  


“Why not? I’m not mad.”  


“Yeah, but I am.”  


“What happened?” Gracie’s voice is filled with concern. I glance at her before looking back down again.  


“My friend got shot. She was fucking shot while I was here with you, oblivious to everything. I feel so stupid; I shouldn’t have left her.”  


“You’re not stupid, you didn’t know. Look, if you had known what was going to happen would you have left her yesterday?” Gracie asks. I feel myself gravitating toward her, unable to control myself.  


“No.” I finally look at her clearly. She’s beautiful. Maybe, with her, I can forget all about Val. I won’t have the weight of what’s happened hung over my shoulder. Maybe that’s better.  


“Good, that means you care and that it’s not your fault. Now go to her.”  


“What?” I ask, dumbfounded.  


“Why are you here when you should be by her side? If you want to show her you care, you would be there with her, not here with me.”  


Do I care? Do I want to continue chasing Val when I know she’s never going to forgive me, especially after last night? Gracie is here and we don’t know each other. I can start all over again and make it right this time. I don’t have to see Val ever again.  


Even considering how much better things would be with Gracie, I know I’m going to see Val again. I’ll never give up on her. Despite our history—my feelings toward her and her feelings toward me—I have to try to make things right.  


“Thank you. I really needed that.” I finally feel strong enough to stand in front of Val. It doesn’t matter if Val hates me or not, I still love her.  


——  


“Where did you go?” Ella asks when I return to the hospital. I take a seat next to her in the waiting room and my leg bounces up and down. I’m still anxious of how things are going with the surgery.  


I can feel a pain in my chest, a pressure that won’t let up. I wonder if this pain is what Val felt when the bullet pierced her skin. Or did she feel it before then, when Noah pulled the gun on her? The feeling of a gun pressed against her stomach, daring to fire. Is the possibility of the gun firing more painful than the actual wound?  


“I just needed some time to clear my head, but I feel better now. I’m okay.” _It’s not my fault._ I have to begin believing that some things are out of my control. _Not everything is my fault._  


“Where’s Ray?” I ask, noticing his absence.  


“He’s with Val.”  


“She’s up? Why didn’t you call me?” I stand up.  


“No, she’s not up, but she’s out of surgery. Everything’s okay. They’re only letting family in.”  


She’s okay. I take a breath of fresh air. It feels like the first breath I’ve taken since I heard about her getting shot. I slump back down into the chair and Ella puts her arm around me. I smile, feeling happier than I’ve ever felt before.  


“She’s going to be alright?” I ask. I sound as hopeful as a little child, as if I’m still young and innocent, without a care in the world.  


“Uh huh,” Ella soothes and smiles as well.  


We wait in the room for hours. I watch as people come and go. Every so often, a doctor comes around to a family and delivers news. I like to watch the family’s reaction to the doctors. It makes me feel even better when I see relief wash over the mother’s or father’s or wife’s or husband’s face. That moment when you hear that everything will work out fine.  


It’s almost five in the afternoon when Ray walks up to us and we both stand up. I wonder what he’s doing back here.  


“She’s up. The doctor said you guys can see her now.” He rubs his red eyes as if he hadn’t blinked until Val woke up.  


“That’s great. How is she?” Ella asks.  


“She’s getting better, still numb from the pain meds though so she’s kind of out of it. Maev,” he turns to me, “I’m really sorry about yelling at you before. I guess I was just stressed about Val. I was worried.”  


“It’s really no problem. I’m sorry as well. I shouldn’t have driven her up here or I should’ve at least consulted with you beforehand.”  


“No, I don’t have to be constantly looking over Val’s shoulder; she can take care of herself. No hard feelings.” He smiles and pulls me into a hug.  


“Alright, you two go on in. I’m gonna grab some food for us.” Ray lets go of me and pushes us along. Ella heads into Val’s room, but I hang back with Ray.  


“Wait, do you think I should go in? I mean, do you think she’s still mad at me?” I call out to Ray.  


His eyebrows furrow together as he says, “I don’t know how she feels, but go in. Even if she’s mad at you, she’ll appreciate you showing up.”  


I nod and thank him before heading into the room. When I walk in, I notice every detail. I take a deep breath and scan the room. There’s not much in it aside from the bed, a couple loft chairs and another door, what I assume leads to the bathroom.  


Ella’s standing next to the bed and she’s got a bright smile on her face. Val must look amazing to have her smile like that—her genuine smile. I stare at the foot of her bed, scared to look directly at Val.  


I jump at the sound of the door shutting behind me. Suddenly, everything sounds much louder. Even Ella’s delicate voice sounds like screams. I stand there for what seems like an eternity. Maybe I shouldn’t have come in.  


The room is silent. Ella notices the tension in the room and quickly leaves to let us be alone. “It’s great to see you up and recovering again, Val. Anyway, I’ll let you guys talk. Is there anything you need?” Ella says in a rush.  


“No, thank you.” Val’s rough-soft voice makes me shake. I never want to hear any other sound. I only want to hear her voice for the rest of my life.  


When Ella leaves, I jump at the sound of the door again. Then, it’s just the two of us. Tears well up in my eyes and I turn to leave the room. “I’m sorry, Val.”  


“Wait, Maev,” she calls out. I love the way she says my name. I want to tell her that, but I don’t have the courage to.  


I freeze at the door, waiting for her to say something else.  


“Please, sit next to me.” Her light voice is barely a whisper, as if she doesn’t have the energy for anything more.  


I can do that, I can sit down. I walk to the chair next to her bed and take a seat, still avoiding her gaze.  


“What are you sorry for?” She laughs softly.  


“I messed everything up. I’m so stupid, I can’t function properly around you. I do everything I’m not supposed to do.” I wipe my sweaty palms against my jeans.  


Val reaches her hand out to me and I stare at it. ‘My hands are sweaty’ is all I manage to get out.  


She laughs for real this time and I notice her clutch her stomach as if it’ll fall out if she moves any more. I stand up and grab the hand that’s stretched out to me. “Hey, are you alright?”  


I finally look at her face. She’s smiling like an idiot, like she did that night I watched her dance in the crowd at the Basement. She’s not mad at all, though it might be just the drugs she’s on.  


I smile looking at her. Nothing is alright; everything is alright.  


“That was worth it,” she says and relaxes, still holding onto my hand.  


“What was?”  


“The pain to see you smile.” I sit on the bed, lightly running my fingers in circles on her arm. I’m afraid to touch her abdomen, scared I’ll hurt her.  


“Why are you so happy to see me? I thought you were mad at me,” I ask softly, as to not upset her.  


“I was mad, but you were right. I shouldn’t have went after Noah, clearly.” She motions to her stomach and smiles jokingly.  


“Does it hurt?” I ask. Again, the question: does not knowing whether or not the gun will fire hurt more than the actual act?  


“A little, but you’re making it better.”  


“Shut the fuck up, Val.” I laugh at how cheesy she sounds. “Do you want me to get the doctor? Maybe he can give you more pain meds?” I ask and start to stand up, but she pulls me back down.  


“No. They’re not giving me anymore.” Her smile fades, something’s wrong.  


“Why not? You can just ask, there’s no harm in doing so.”  


“No, Maev. They won’t give me anymore. I already know they found traces of drugs in my blood when I arrived. They’re trying to wean me off of it now.”  


“Did the doctor tell you that?” I ask, looking at her directly in the eyes. Her eyes look pleading, like she’s begging me not to continue this conversation.  


“No, but I’m sure he’s telling Ray right now.” She turns away from me and picks at the stray thread on the white sheets.  


I lean down, trying to get her to look at me again. “God, you’re beautiful.”  


“Shut up.” She laughs and covers her face with her free hand. No matter what she does, she looks amazing.  


I pull her hand away from her face to get a better view of her smile and she lets me. My eyes trail down her eyes to her small nose, then her pink lips. Her smile slowly fades as she realizes how close I am to her.  


I think about kissing her, but remember the last time I kissed her. She brushed me off; she hated me. I don’t want to risk the feeling of rejection again. The last time I did, I nearly drove her straight to her death. I’m not making that mistake again. As long as she’s here, I’m okay with just being her friend.  


“Kiss me,” she whispers so low I almost didn’t hear her, but I wanted her to say that, so I do hear her.  


I don’t let another second waste. I lean in and feel her hot breath blow against me. I feel like I can’t breathe being this close to Val and not touching her. But when my lips finally reach hers, I can breathe again, like I’m supposed to be here with her and not with anyone else in the world. I finally feel right.  


Her hand tightens around mine as I deepen the kiss. I take deep breaths in between kisses, wanting to smell her lemony scent forever. For the first time, she doesn’t taste like smoke and I smile at the thought.  


My free hand pushes against the bed, keeping me from falling on top of Val. I let go of Val’s hand and cup her face, lightly brushing her cheek with my thumb.  


“Look,” I mumble in between kisses, “I’m really—sorry about everything—I did to hurt you—I know—what I did and—I’m not going to—” I pull away from her, “—try to convince you it wasn’t my fault because it was, and I would take it back if I could.”  


Val’s eyes are still closed and I smile looking at her. I would stare at her forever if I could. She opens her eyes and I look at her as if I’ve been waiting for this moment my entire life. “Stop apologizing when I’ve already forgiven you.” Her words scold me, but her tone makes me feel at home.  


“I’m sorry I can’t help it. Aw shit, I did it again. I’m sor—fuck.”  


She bursts out laughing and cringes and grabs her stomach, but continues to laugh and smile. I watch her laugh and smile myself.  


“Alright, calm down. You don’t want to pop any stitches, Val.” I try to steady her. She settles down and smiles at me. She looks at me as if she looks up to me, as if I make everything better in her world. A year ago, I never would’ve thought anyone would look at me the way she’s looking at me right now. I smile knowing that I matter to someone.  


There’s a knock on the door and Ray and Ella enter, with a bag of McDonalds and some shakes in hand.  


“Hey, how are you feeling?” Ray asks in a gentle tone. Around Val, he acts vulnerable and sensitive, a part of him I’ve never seen before.  


Val glances at me and says, “Much better.”  


“Maev, we got you some food, thought you might be starving. Sorry, Val, nothing for you. Doctor’s orders.” Ella hands me the bag and I take a seat and dig in. I hadn’t realized how hungry I was until I took a bite out of the burger.  


“Val, there’s something else.” Ray takes my place on the bed and grabs Val’s hand in both of his. My stomach drops; I already know where the conversation is going. We were just talking about it. I set the burger back down, feeling sick just looking at it now.  


Ella takes a seat next to me, knowing what’s about to happen as well.  


“Dr. Greig told us about your condition. He found heroin in your blood.” As Ray continues, I watch Val’s expression drop. It kills me to see her this way.  


“Considering the severity of your condition, he’s recommending you to go to an inpatient rehabilitation center. And listen,” he says before Val can protest. “I know you don’t have the money to, but it’s okay. I’ll take care of it for you; you don’t have to worry about it. He said you have to get clean. The surgery was a success, but if you continue using, the drugs might cause an infection or something. It’ll affect your recovery permanently.”  


“What do you mean?”  


“If you use even once more, you could die.”  


“Ray.” Val’s voice is heartbroken, having to decide her will to live. She hadn’t realized how bad her situation was and neither had I. I thought everything would be okay after Val’s successful surgery—that I can start being happy with her again—but it feels like I’ve been thrown back six months. Like everything is just repeating, starting over in a never-ending circle. Maybe there is no way of being happy. Maybe everything turns to shit no matter what.  


“This is bullshit.” I blurt out in anger. I stand, not caring about the burger that’s dropped to the floor. Ketchup squishes against the polished tile, creating a red splatter like blood.  


“Maev.” Ella grabs my arm to calm me down, but I fling her hand away.  


“No, this is fucked up! You can’t just come in here and declare her death. Why the fuck doesn’t Dr. Greig just do more surgery and fix this? If she gets an infection, he can just fix it. Ella.” I turn to her, unable to look at Val and Ray any longer. “Tell him he can just make it better. Tell him we’ll pay for the surgery, no matter what. That he can undo all this shit.”  


“Maev.” Ella says again, softer than before—sadder than before. She stands up to comfort me, but I turn away from her, back to the hospital bed.  


“Ray, c’mon. Tell him that’s fine,” I plead. He refuses to look at me and I’m grateful because I wouldn’t be able to handle the pain in his eyes. It’s too much.  


“Maev,” Val calls out and I focus on her, both our eyes welling up with tears. “I can do it.”  


I think back to six months ago, when we promised each other we would get better. That didn’t work out the way we wanted it to, what makes now any different? And it’s worse now: this is Val’s last chance. I can’t stand the thought of not having her here with me.  


Everything is alright; nothing is alright.  


I smile and repeat her words. “You can do it.” I repeat it over and over in my head until it’s burned into the back of my brain. I have to believe this for her; I have to believe in her.


	14. I'll Prove That I'm Right

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [TW- Drugs. Alcohol. Gun/Shooting. Death Mention. Language.]

“Okay, let’s divide and conquer. Oz, you take the bathroom; Maev, you can have the bedroom; Ella and I will clean the living room; and we’ll all meet up to clear out the kitchen,” Ray takes charge once we enter the apartment.  


We scrounge our nose when the smell of weeks old food hits our senses. We’ve put off cleaning Val’s apartment for almost a month, but we can’t anymore, mainly because the landlord has been calling Ray every single day now. Val decided to move in with Ray, despite wanting to make her own living. Ever since being admitted into rehab, she’s been more accepting of help from others. Maybe because she’s more focused on staying alive now.  


“How am I supposed to know what to keep and what to toss? I didn’t really know Val much,” Oz pipes up before we break into our respective locations.  


“Toss? You keep everything,” I blurt before Ray can say anything.  


“No, I don’t have enough space to keep all her belongings. Just throw out the toiletries and keep whatever momentos she might’ve kept in there, things like photos,” Ray corrects and gives me a stern look.  


“Fine,” I reply, though he wasn’t talking to me.  


We break the group and I head into the bedroom, surprised that he let me rummage around in here. I would’ve thought that he wanted to instead; he knows her better than I do.  


I carry the two boxes I’m given into the room, one says ‘trash’ and the other ‘Val’s.’ Once the door’s shut behind me, I open the blinds so I have light because electricity isn’t available in the apartment; it wasn’t even when she still lived here.  


I start with her desk. Most of the things on her desk go in the keep box: her photos, jewelry, and personal journals. I always notice them sitting on her desk, begging for me to read them, but I never do. I wonder if I should now.  


I work my way around the room, throwing out all of the leftover drugs lying around the room. It brings me back to months ago, when I had first spoke to her about her addiction. She tried to quit for me, and then I broke her trust and sent her spiraling back into her addiction. It was my fault she never was able to fight it.  


I shake my head. _I didn’t force her to do anything; what happened was out of my control._ I have to start thinking like that now; I can’t keep blaming myself.  


While looking around her closet, I find my shirt, the one I couldn’t find the morning after I went to her for comfort. It smells like it’s never been washed after that day.  


I pick up a photo that’s been crumpled into a ball. It’s a photo of Val’s family all smiling toward the camera. Her parents look neat and happy as they hold hands. Then there’s Ray with his arm around Val. They don’t look more than ten years old. They’re standing around a bright Christmas tree in a house.  


There’s another photo of her on her makeshift sleigh. Ray’s probably behind the camera snapping Val’s wide smile. All around Val is white snow and trees, as if they’re in the woods. I smile at how happy she looks in the pictures. She will be there again, no doubt.  


It takes hours for me to clean the room, but when I’m done, it looks as if Val never lived there apart from the stains in the carpet and holes in the walls. Everyone gave me a hand in removing the mattress and bed frame, which we just tossed. Ray already has a guest bed for Val. When I finish, I bring the boxes to the living room, which is empty now.  


We convene and throw out all the moldy food left in the refrigerator.  


“I’m going to meet Val now, do any of you want to join?” I offer once we finish with the entire apartment. It’s the cleanest I’ve seen it since meeting Val.  


“No, I want to finish all this today.” Ray motions to all the boxes filled with Val’s belongings.  


“And I promised Ray I would help him move all her stuff into his place. Sorry,” Ella adds.  


“No problem. Oz?”  


“I’ve got work, sorry.”  


“Don’t apologize. That means I get some alone time with Val.” I smile and head out of the empty apartment, already missing the memories it brought.  


I don’t actually get alone time with Val. The clinic doesn’t allow us to meet privately in case I sneak her drugs, which I would never, but it’s better to be safe than sorry.  


She’s been staying at a nice, big house with other inpatients. Over the past couple weeks I’ve noticed she’s taken a liking to one guy—Owen—who doesn’t look too much older than her. He acts similar to Ray and I guess that’s why she likes him: because it reminds her of home.  


I sit on the couch in the living room with her. I play with her hand, turning it over and over in my own hands. The clinic is strict, so that’s the most contact I can have with her. I miss touching her skin. I want to feel more than just her hands, but this isn’t about what I want. This is what Val needs.  


I think back to the first day she was checked into the clinic. After a couple hours, she started showing withdrawal symptoms and had to be locked in a room to keep her from attempting anything. I couldn’t see her and that made me more anxious than I already was. I could physically feel her pain, though I was nowhere near her.  


I wasn’t allowed to see her until a week after she was admitted. By then she had gotten past the worst of the withdrawal. There are still times when she feels her skin crawling or when she can’t breathe from the overwhelming need to get a hit, but she’s been doing better than I could’ve ever imagined.  


“I got you something.” I say with a smile, pulling out a stuffed shopping bag. “Sorry I couldn’t wrap it nicely.”  


“You didn’t have to do that. I’m just happy you’re here,” Val says, though I know she enjoys receiving gifts. She pulls out a grey, Georgia Tech sweater, the same one as the one she wore when we met.  


“I got you a new sweater because I know the old one got a little messed up,” I say shyly.  


“A little messed up,” she repeats and laughs, clutching her stomach. She’s still healing, but she’s better now. In fact, I think she’s better now than she was before the incident. Ever since she’s been staying at the clinic, she’s been eating more. She’s got physical therapy to help her reform the muscles in the abdomen and she’s smiling more. She should be; she deserves to be happy.  


I look around the room and notice everyone’s gone. We’re alone for the first time in weeks. I smile and lean in to kiss her, the first kiss in weeks. It’s soft and sweet and the feeling lingers on my lips long after it ends. I smile and lean my forehead against hers with my eyes still closed. I wish I could live in this moment forever, never let it go.  


Taking advantage of our short time alone, I push Val down on the couch and lie next to her, resting my head on her shoulder. She hugs one arm around me and clutches her new sweatshirt with her other hand. She plants a gentle, dry kiss on my temple that makes me smile.  


“How are you feeling?” I ask, lightly trailing the skin peeking in between Val’s shirt and waistband.  


“Amazing. I really love this place, Maev. Despite the constant puking and nausea, of course.” Her chest rattles when she speaks. My head bobs up and down as her chest rises and falls.  


I laugh. “You say that everytime I visit.”  


“That’s because it’s true. Everyone is so accepting and open to me, maybe because we’re all going through the same thing.” Her response makes me wonder if she didn’t beat her addiction six months ago because I didn’t understand how she felt—that if I had been an addict myself, we would’ve been able to get better together.  


My hand travels up her stomach and I fiddle with the bandage that’s wrapped around her stomach. “When did you feel it?” I ask, still thinking of the question from before. _Is the possibility of the gun firing more painful than the actual wound?_  


She rubs her thumb against the gold letters on the sweater, thinking about my question. “I didn’t really feel anything until after the surgery. Maybe it was the adrenaline or maybe I was just shocked, but I passed out from blood loss before I could come to my senses.” That’s good. At least she wasn’t in any pain.  


“What happened?”  


“I’d rather not talk about it.” Her voice cracks and I lift my head to look at her. A teardrop escapes her overfilled eyes and she quickly wipes it with the palm of her hand. My own hand retreats from under her shirt, back to the hem of her shirt. I feel like I pushed her too far.  


“We can talk about anything you want to,” I say in a rush, trying to make her feel better. “Oh, we just finished cleaning out your apartment. Ray and Ella are moving your stuff in right now,” I try at an attempt to change the subject.  


She smiles, letting me know everything’s okay. “Really? I can’t wait to move in.”  


“Yeah.” I rest my head back on her shoulder, hearing her heart beat against my ear. “I thought you loved it here?”  


“I do, but nothing’s as good as home.”  


“I can’t wait until you get out. I’ll take you anywhere you want to go. You name it,” I declare.  


“As long as I’m with you, I don’t care where I am.”  


“Aw, cut the bullshit, Val. What do you really want?” I call her out and she laughs at how sappy she sounds.  


“I love you so much, Maev Clary.”  


I sigh when she says my name. “Did you know I love the way you say my name? I’ve been meaning to tell you that.”  


Val lets go of the Georgia Tech sweater and lifts my chin up so I’m looking directly at her. She kisses me and smiles halfway into it. I close my eyes and let myself fall into Val. I remember the first time we kissed and think of how far we’ve come since then. Too much has happened this past year, but I’d go through it all over again for this.  


“Maev, you’re devouring my friend!” Owen calls from the end of the couch. I smile bitterly, wishing I could be alone with Val for just another second.  


“Owen, shut up and go away,” Val hisses and playfully throws a pillow at him, which he easily dodges.  


“Alright, but you have to cover for me when my girlfriend comes.” He winks and walks away.  


“What girlfriend?” Val calls out after him, laughing and clutching her stomach. With his back facing us, he flips her off and disappears into another room.  


Once he’s gone, we lie there in silence. I close my eyes and focus on Val’s heart thump and her chest move up and down. I slowly drift to sleep comfortably in her arms. In anyone else’s grasp, I would toss and turn and feel insecure of the way I act, but I don’t have to worry about that with Val. This is just fine.  


——  


When I wake up, Val is still beside me. Her arm is draped around me and she’s got the tv remote in her hand. The room is dark, only illuminated by the light from the television. It’s not even light outside anymore. I can hear plates clanking together and voices talking over each other from the dining hall. Everyone must be having dinner now. I wonder why Val didn’t wake me up.  


“How long have I been sleeping?” My tired voice drags the words into each other.  


“Just a couple hours.” Val kisses my forehead, her eyes glued to the screen.  


“Did you sleep?”  


“A little.”  


I get up, thinking about how sore Val’s arm must be from being slept on. She rolls her shoulder and stretches. I watch the way her small frame arches as she loosens up.  


“Are we in trouble?” I ask, remembering the no touching rule.  


She shrugs. “I don’t think they care. They know you won’t do anything to jeopardize my recovery.” She turns off the tv and pulls me back onto her lap.  


“Are you hungry? They’re having dinner now,” Val offers and I nod.  


“Why didn't you eat?” I ask, worrying about her eating disorder again.  


“I wanted to wait for you.”  


“Do you think they’ll let me take you out?” Normally, Val’s not allowed to leave the house without a clinic staff member following her to make sure she doesn't shoot up. I want so desperately to take her out, though. It would make everything feel normal again, like nothing’s wrong.  


“I don't think that’s a good idea,” Val defends, “I don't want to risk it.” I nod, understanding where she’s coming from. This is her last chance at recovery, I don't want to be the one who kills her.  


“Alright, I’ve got to go anyway. Lots of homework to do, the end of the semester’s always the worst.”  


“Oh yeah, you only have a couple weeks left before graduation. How do you feel?” Val perks up excitedly.  


“I’m actually a little terrified. I’m not ready to leave school.” I smile nervously.  


“Don’t worry, you’ve still got four years waiting for you,” Val jokes. I think about college; everything’ll be changing in a few short weeks. I don’t want to think about it, so I give her a peck on the cheek and leave her to eat.  


——  


The next day there’s no school, so I decide to drive back up to the lake. I want to give Ash her painting back; I don't need it anymore.  


I wake up after my dad leaves for work, so I won’t run into him. I didn’t tell him about the trip because he has no idea who Ash is and I’m not about to tell him all about the time I tried to freeze myself to death.  


I don’t call Ella or Ray either, even though I’d enjoy the company for the ride, they don’t know about the incident either. I only told them that a girl gave the painting to me, not of how I found her or, more accurately, how she found me.  


During the car ride, I pass the time by listening to the radio, though it turned to static halfway through the ride. I didn’t turn off the static; it gave me something to listen to.  


When I arrive, I park where I had the time before and follow the trail to her house with the pastel painting by my side. I barely remember the way back, but manage to bring myself to the doorstep of the familiar house.  


I ring the doorbell and knock on the door three times in case they hadn’t heard the ring. Axel opens the door with a smile. The wrinkles on his forehead and around his eyes seem to have grown as if he aged dramatically in the past couple of months.  


“Maev, it’s good to see you again. And well-circulated, if I must add.” He laughs, making the creases around his eye deepen. I manage a smile of my own and he invites me out of the cold.  


“Is Ash here?” I ask after he makes me a steaming cup of tea.  


“She’s at school, but she should be back fairly soon. Why did you come?” He asks over the soft sound of the football game playing on the tv in the background.  


“I just wanted to drop off this painting she gave me and say hi.” I lean the pastel painting against the couch and Axel takes a look at it.  


“It’s beautiful isn’t it? The sailboat seems so peaceful. What do you see in it?”  


“What?”  


“What does it mean to you? You know, art is nothing without meaning. Ash sees the calm ocean as well; we’ve always been like-minded,” he chuckles and shrugs.  


I used to see the boat lost at sea. It would eventually face a storm and be turned over, killing everyone on board. “I think it’s heading to the mountains. The passengers are finding their freedom on land, away from the boat that acted as a prison. They’re striving for a better future, even if it may be far away,” I blurt out, not knowing what I was saying until I said it.  


“That’s beautiful. Come and sit; make yourself at home. Ash will be home soon.” Axel relaxes on the couch and I follow suit, but I keep my attention fixed on the pastel painting, replaying the different point of views I’ve had on the boat—what it meant and what was going to happen to it.  


Nearly an hour passed when Ash came back home. I had shifted my focus from the painting to the tv, watching the game with Axel—though I was never one to care much about sports. I hear the door open and slam shut and watch Ash appear through the threshold.  


“Maev!” she exclaims as if she was excited to see me.  


“Ash, it's so nice to see you again. How have you been?” I stand up from the couch and hug her.  


“I've been doing fine. Nothing’s really been going on lately; how are you?” I take the painting with me as we walk to her room.  


“You brought it back?” Ash asks, noticing the canvas in my hands.  


“Yeah, that's actually why I came. I wanted to give this back to you; I don't need it anymore.”  


“What do you mean?” She sits on the bed and gestures for me to sit as well.  


“I don’t know, I was in a really bad place when you found me and the painting made me feel like I belong, like it was made for me,” I start out, not sure I wanted to tell her but doing so anyway.  


“And then things happened and I’m at a different place now—I have a better mindset. I think that these past few days have been more calm and relaxed, like I'm coming to peace with what’s happened. I guess these occurrences pushed me to be in a place I didn’t want to go before—forced me to realize things I hadn’t before—and I just don’t need the visual support anymore. I mean, I don’t know. That’s really stupid.”  


“No, it’s not. I’m glad you’ve come to terms with this.” She grabs my hand and squeezes it, as if letting me know she understands what I’m saying.  


“But, yeah, the painting has kind of been guiding me in a way and I don’t think I need its guidance anymore. I’ll be fine.” I hand her the pastel painting with a smile. _I’ll miss that damn boat._  


“Thank you. Hey, do you want to stay for dinner? I’ll cook something special for you,” Ash offers, but I shake my head.  


“No, thanks. I kind of want to meet my girlfriend tonight. She’s at rehab and I can only visit before eight, so I have to leave now.” I laugh nervously.  


“Alright, but you’re welcome to drop by anytime. I’ll cook for you then.”  


I smile and hug her, taking one last look at the cotton candy pink mountain and the deep, blue ocean and the small, white sailboat with all the tiny refugees. I say bye to Axel and leave. This time Ash doesn’t walk me back to my car, so I walk along the trail by the lake, the same path I took the last time I was here.  


When I reach the end of the path, I look out to the lake that’s now thawed since the last time I saw it. Everything’s different now. I’m alone here again, but it feels different. Then, I was desperate to find someone to touch, someone to be with. Now, I know I can always fall back to myself and there’s nothing wrong with that.  


I leave the lake and drive back to the clinic before it gets dark. When I knock on the door, Owen answers it with a big smile.  


“Irving, you have a secret admirer!” he calls into the house and walks out of sight, leaving the door open for me.  


Val comes down the stairs, wearing the Georgia Tech sweater I gave her the day before.  


“Is that a new sweater?” I ask, pointing to the bold letters sewn onto the cotton.  


She laughs sarcastically and pulls me into a hug. “It’s late. Where have you been? I almost thought you weren’t going to visit today.”  


“You wish.” I joke and plant a dry kiss on her jaw. We walk into the living room to meet everyone else. There are ten patients living in this house, including Val. Most of them are older than her, but there are some young adults, like Owen and this other girl whose name I can't remember.  


A group of middle-aged men and women sit in a circle playing Scrabble while others just sit with drinks and talk.  


“Guess what,” Val leads me to the couch and we take a seat.  


“You’re not going after Noah again, are you?” I laugh, half joking half not.  


“No.” Val doesn’t laugh—too soon, maybe. “I have a proper job interview tomorrow.” Now, she lights up, expecting me to congratulate her.  


“That’s amazing. What are you applying for?” I hug her quickly.  


“Just a store associate. I’m not really qualified for anything else, and the clinic supervisor recommended I just work part time and focus on my recovery.” She doesn’t look me in the eye, embarrassed that she can’t do much else.  


“Hey, that’s great.” I grab her hand and squeeze it. “You’ll work your way up the ladder. Everyone’s gotta start somewhere.”  


Something exciting must’ve happened in the old game of Scrabble because all the adults yelp in surprise and talk over each other. I wonder what makes middle-aged people get excited over Scrabble.  


“Let’s go upstairs,” Val offers, noting the noise. I nod and we walk, hand in hand, up to her room. Out of the corner of my eye I see the clinic staff on duty watch us ascend up the stairs.  


Val shares a room with two other people because there aren’t enough rooms in the house for everyone to have their own, but she doesn’t mind. In fact, she enjoys constantly being around other people. They help keep her from thinking about drugs and alcohol.  


We leave the door open because we aren’t allowed to close it without a staff member inside. I watch a member walk by the room, peeking inside to inspect what we’re doing.  


“Did you see the news this morning?” Val asks, stealing my attention from the staff. I lie on her bed and Val sits on a small desk next to the bed, looking down on me. She fiddles with her copy of _The Perks of Being a Wallflower_ , twirling around in circles on the desk.  


“No, what happened?” My hands are folded over my stomach and I close my eyes, feeling a little sleepy.  


Val climbs onto the bed, wrapping her arm around me. The clinic staff member must’ve left the room. “Noah’s been sentenced to ten years in prison for possession of drugs in his house.”  


I smile, keeping my eyes closed. “Do you feel any better?”  


“Just a little.”  


“C’mon, you can’t say that doesn’t make you feel better. I mean, if I were you I’d be jumping in joy, not caring about reopening that gunshot wound.”  


Val laughs next to me, loud in my ear. “Okay, Maev, go get shot, reopen your wound once it’s healed, and then tell me if you’d actually want to do that.”  


I laugh, unable to contain my happiness, and hug her tightly, never wanting to let her go. I wouldn’t want anything else—just me, her, a quiet room, and some kind words. Maybe Ella was right when she said the small things in life really were worth living for. I only want the little things: lying here with Val, having a night out with friends, a compliment from a random stranger, whatever it may be. I don’t have to have anything big happen in my life to make it meaningful, I can just have this.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed this fic!  
> Check out my Litost playlist: [8tracks.com](http://8tracks.com/walkingparadise/litost-original-work)


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